Familiar Stranger

Ok People!!!! I haven't posted anything in a while so maybe some of my stalkers have sumthin to smile about now

~*~ Familiar Stranger ~*~
At nightfall when tucked away
In silent chambers for the day
Underneath the blanket of consciousness I lay
And let my thoughts drift like a leaf in the bay
I barely recall how long it's been
Since such a force has grazed my skin
And made me spill what's deep within
So fluid from soul, to tongue, to chin
Every love song I've ever sang in this life
I sang to you in hopes that I might
Secure such a feeling that lives past tonight
And never lose grip of what feels so right
Build a castle from grains of time we spent together
Never washed away by seaside stormy weather
Reflect on the magic encased in our love letters
Thankful you were here yesterday, present tense: forever
I brace myself daily when hit by the truth
No matter the effort he'll never be you
See, we've never met so the things I go through
Will never be over until I meet you
Greet you, under the sun and know that you're real
Tailor made for me, to show me how it feels
To love boundlessly, simple and pure with no fear
To open up, to trust with ease since he's so sincere
I've survived being picked apart by vultures
And still remained whole through each ride on roller coasters
Can't wait for the day we lock eyes and realize the search is over
I sigh, and remember that I'm that much closer....


keep in mind I speak my poetry so if it doesn't rhyme perfectly I didn't mean it to but I may tweak it to fit perfectly......Feel free to attack it

I really liked this, its mature and has meaning to it.

You say that you speak your poetry, Since you said that I can understand how some lines are said better, but these:

Underneath the blanket of consciousness I lay
And let my thoughts drift like a leaf in the bay

just didn't seem to fit.

Other than that, well done, keep it up!

Meevs
x

I think that you are too dependent on the rhyme scheme at times. You have some odd line breaks which only serve to keep the rhyme and not preserve the rhythm/flow. You don't have a set rhythm (correct me if I'm wrong - I only sounded out the first four lines).

I sang to you in hopes that I might
Secure such a feeling that lives past tonight
And never lose grip of what feels so right

Here for example you have a very strange break on the might line, I know that it runs on to the next - and that works just fine, but it makes the might, tonight, right rhymes seem very contrived.

I like the meaning of the poem and the image that it conjures. I really like the seaside theme that you use and the grains of time description that you fit in there, it works well.

You really need to structure the poem though, add some punctuation to the end of the lines - it just helps when you're reading. A comma here or full stop there can really direct the reader. Also, I think that stanzas in this poem maybe appropriate, to divide the changes you put forth.

No matter the effort he'll never be you
See, we've never met so the things I go through
Will never be over until I meet you

I don't think that the double you rhyme works.

So I really like your meaning Glad to see you've started to post things again, I'm sorry I didn't see any of your earlier poems.

I really liked this, the meaning, the words you used.

I loved this:

Build a castle from grains of time we spent together

To improve:
You said it yourself, it's the rhyming. Without a constant structure it doesn't flow right. It either needs to rhyme, or not rhyme at all.

Great work,
Alainna
xxxxxxxxx

one major comment before I read it....

you really need commas and periods/puncuationin here. Unless this is for slam poetry and you plan on not taking a breath....

poetry is read puncuation mark to puncuation mark,and while you can have slight pauses without them, a reader really needs time to understand major points. Some poetry is good with little to no puncuation...other poetry needs it. You probably already know this, sorry if you do....just making sure.

I did see some commas *claps like mad* but you might need one or two full stops, and I don't suggest you put them aftera rhyming couplet.....unless there's no other way to bring flow into the piece.

A good write, though I do somewhat agree with the other comment about rhyming....unless there is a set pattern to lines that rhyme and lines that don't....


best of luck!

PS....if there are typos in any of my comments, I apologize....bad habit. I'm so usedto typing on my computer that I always mess up certain words on my mom's (my set up doesn't have internet...).