Dreamless

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She jumped into her bed at night with fears
For creatures scratched and clawed their way to her
the monsters kept her up and caused her tears
they scared her sensless till she would deter.

The ghastly ghosts would shake and rattle doors
The fiends contiuned ripping at her seams.
The goblins wouldn't drop her unused drawers.
until she told them "Stop! You're just my dreams."

"Let me be!" she called into the madness.
No one listened, nothing even halted.
She went back to sleep in utter sadness
Her eyes were tired; she was not exhalted

A pitter patter on the roof; it rained.
And when she woke no wicked haunts remained.
Last edited by Royboy on Tue Apr 24, 2007 8:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.
[url="www.royacrystaldoesnanowrimo.tumblr.com"]Follow my 2011 NaNoWriMo progress on tumblr[/url] or [url="http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/734471"]friend me on the official NaNoWriMo forums[/url]!




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A pitter patter on the roof; it rained,
And when she woke no horrid fiends remained.

Hows that?
Sing we for joy and idleness,
Naught else is worth the having. -- Ezra Pound

PM if you're in need of a review.




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ohohoh me gusta! but I can't use it, as it's your own lines.
[url="www.royacrystaldoesnanowrimo.tumblr.com"]Follow my 2011 NaNoWriMo progress on tumblr[/url] or [url="http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/734471"]friend me on the official NaNoWriMo forums[/url]!




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:lol:

Your welcome to use them if you want :)
Sing we for joy and idleness,
Naught else is worth the having. -- Ezra Pound

PM if you're in need of a review.




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Thank you, but I can't take other people's work. I have a thing with that. =/ I was looking for other people's suggestions and thoughts as to how they would finish it.
[url="www.royacrystaldoesnanowrimo.tumblr.com"]Follow my 2011 NaNoWriMo progress on tumblr[/url] or [url="http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/734471"]friend me on the official NaNoWriMo forums[/url]!




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Um, okay, could I just give you a few suggestions on this poem? On the rhyming? To be completely honest I didn't think the rhyming was all that good. I might reccomend somehow changing tears to tear in the first stanza? And if you were trying to rhyme any of these pairs, they need some work; her and unnerved, halted and daunted, madness and notheless. The second stanza was certainly the best one.
I'm just trying to give you an honest opinion, and some advice.

Good luck with your project!




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*swallows pride and uses mad's suggestions.*

Thanks, though. I got full points on it! I'm glad I put it through here first, you guys really helped me get my act together.
[url="www.royacrystaldoesnanowrimo.tumblr.com"]Follow my 2011 NaNoWriMo progress on tumblr[/url] or [url="http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/734471"]friend me on the official NaNoWriMo forums[/url]!




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No, problem! I think it turned out nicely.




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Nice poem. I really didn't think there was any problem. You did a good job. :)
Ohhhhhhh YEAH!!!!!!




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Thanks =] but It's much better than it was before, due to everyone helping me out. It was a DISASTER! You should have seen it!
[url="www.royacrystaldoesnanowrimo.tumblr.com"]Follow my 2011 NaNoWriMo progress on tumblr[/url] or [url="http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/734471"]friend me on the official NaNoWriMo forums[/url]!



I would rather die of passion than of boredom.
— Émile Zola