Worth It?

Was it Worth It?



with every beat
i wince from the pain
tears cant describe
the unimaginable sorrow

to sit and stare
at the girl of your dreams
but thats just it,
dreams.
Thump Thump.

your beating heart
snaps you back
into focus
the pain jolts
right to your eyes

it seems as if
all your emotions
are pushing,
pushing the tears
right down your cheeks
THUMP THUMP.

another jolt of pain
will your heart ever heal?
how do you heal
that which still
loves her?

she is merely
an arms length away
but she is unreachable
and will be for infinity
there is only one option

as you step to the edge
you wonder,
if your heart stops beating
will the pain go away?
THUMP THUMP

pain courses through you,
so you jump...

THUMP THU....
It ends
not just the pain
but your life all together


so tell me,
was it worth it?

I find the concept somewhat cliché and overdone. The ending came suddenly and unexpectedly, and disappointed me a little because this kind of poem has been done so many times.
Now of course, whatever we write has been done already -love, death, birth, anger, hatred, peace. The difference between them is that everyone has their own different style of writing, or angle to write from.
For example, with this poem I would suggest working on the character you are writing about - at the moment, I don't know who he is. I'm not even sure if you are the person talking because at the beginning of the poem you write in first person, and then switch to third. Because of this, I do not care about the person you are talking about, and can't sympathise with him in the way you want me to.

However, I do like the continual "thump thump" throughout, the linking of the heartbeat with pain, and then them both stopping at the end. So keep writing, experiment with different styles, and have fun with it

PUNCTUATION, PEOPLE!


And that said, I liked the thump thump. =]

To expand a little on what iQuippie said, lol:

Punctuation is, believe it or not, a poet's best friend. A lot of people think it's passe; I mean, gawd, people have been using punctuation in poetry for so long, isn't it awesome and avant garde to just ignore those conventions?

Um... no. There's a reason we use punctuation. I'm sure you've noticed it, at least subconsciously, in what I've written so far in this post. Words are important; punctuation doubly so. Why? As much emotion as words carry, it's punctuation that really drives it home. My favorite example is a word everyone knows: hello.

Seriously! Think about all the ways you can say hello, and then think about all the different ways to punctuate it. If you were reading a story aloud, and you came across the first hello below, you definitely wouldn't read it the same way as the third:

"Hello?"

"Hello!"

"...Hello."

"Hel-lo."

See what I mean? Yeah, so, your poem lacks punctuation. That's bad. Not just because it makes you look uneducated and amateur when you leave the apostrophes out of words like "can't" (incidentally, cant is a word in its own right, so you really do want to apostrophize that to prevent confusion). It's also bad because it lacks any emotionally emphasis.

So--er--punctuate, please?

hahahahah. Yes. PUNCTUATION IS LOVE!

Anyhow.

The idea is cliché, or the ending is. In some places I liked it:

she is merely
an arms length away
but she is unreachable
and will be for infinity

As for this:

tears cant describe
the unimaginable sorrow

I almost found this part ironic. Not only can tears not describe the "unimaginable sorrow"--your poetry can't either. Not to be incredebly harsh (oh, but I was ^^,) but I don't feel anything from this. You have a love for someone else that cannot be fulfilled and so you kill yourself--kind of weak, don't you think? It's like killing off your MC in a novel--it gets you no where. (hah, I actually did that. Twice. In first person!) This poem has potential, but it would take a second draft and lots of thinking. Consider what you want your reader to feel (and please, don't go for, "I want them to feel that death at the end" or something. Go for the emotions: loneliness, rejection, unattainability.) Pay attention to word choice, use metaphors and imagery to create the poem, rather than spoken words and events. Pull us into your soul and make us a feel with you. Though, honestly, I think you could do without the death altogether--the longing is good enough on it's own.

I hope this helped!

My favorite stanza from this was
"to sit and stare
at the girl of your dreams
but thats just it,
dreams.
Thump Thump. "
It's ironic and funny.

Otherwise, the ending REALLY let me down.

Ugh. Killing oneself is very hard to write. To do too, but writing it is just so much more dangerous, so much more difficult. And it sucks most of the time. This one had no specialty: in such a topic as suicide, uniqeness is the only thing that make a poem better. This was average. This was a nut. Cliche.

SUGGESTIONS:
Drop the suicide. It doesn't help the poem one bit. The ending should be when he either a) realizes that love isn't everything in life, and he sees everything in a happy light or b) wonders about killing himself but seeing something else that makes him forget it.
I'd personally take advantage of b in order to add imagery to this poem, which is lacking here.

Otherwise, it was nice.

(PS: Find other ways to describe sadness--not only that tears push from his eyes, pain throbs...make us feel it too.)