Ode to A Stale Pastry

O' Stale Pastry,
gaunt and gray,
I ate you on
a better day.

Your flaky shell's
like a crab gone dry,
so sour it could
make me cry.

I sadly lick
your moldy pulp
and you are gone
in one pained gulp.

I miss when you
were buttery--
you made my heart
all fluttery.

But fungus sprouts
along your ridges
which are alive
with ticks and midges.

Once upon
a time ago,
your frosting gleamed
like tie-dye snow,

steaming hot
from the oven's womb.
Now you rest
in a cardboard tomb.

Yet still I eat you
and I pray
to eat a fresh
croissant one day.

hahaha! I loved it!

It rhymed and flowed well, it sounded natural, like you write stuff like this everyday [i don't doubt you do]

Punctuation was great, spacing was good maybe a lil overboard, but still...!








Keep writing!

It was cute, it was light, cheerful. But, something is missing. I've been thinking about this for a few minutes and I have no idea what is missing. It just doesn't have a lot of umph. Poems that don't have a lot of umph, don't typically go very far.

Other than that, I have no idea how to tell you to fix this problem...I can't even truly identify it--it's a generalization. Sorry I can't be more specific.

Umph!
WM

I love it. I love it. I read the first line and my mouth dropped open and I started shrieking with laughter. *yes, I am easily amused. Sue me*
I love the first two stanzas, especially the part about the crab XD

The rhythm and rhyming scheme is excellent, and I see nothing wrong except for I agree with WM on her observation that it needs more "OOMPHA!".


Not sure how you could add that....except for garlic, of course

I love it! :goes back to laughing about the crab line:

XD

~Sumi

Haha! Very funny! I was first attracted by the title, then it was LOL! The way you say about this pastry gone bad in such a sad, sorrowful way, when it's just a pastry . . .

The rhyming flowed well, with perhaps only one bit standing out:

Fangala... wrote:I miss when you
were buttery--
you made my heart
all fluttery.

I don't know what it was about that, but it just didn't seem quite right. I don't think it lacked oomph - I enjoyed it! Mae carnen!

-Shadow

Wow, this was really good and funny.

The only complaint is that sometimes the structure was like wading in super glue. Other than that, super work here.

I really didn't know what to expect when I read this but now I am super dooper glad that I did. This was so funny. This was my favorite line:

steaming hot
from the oven's womb.
Now you rest
in a cardboard tomb.

Cardboard tomb? that was my favorite ever.

I'm sorry I can't give any advice...I am reading it again and again and I can't find anything...let me look once more...

*goes to read*

Aha!

O' Stale Pastry,

Does Stale need to be capitalize? O.o

Well, great job! Funny, and witty as always!

BBB

Ahahahaha!
Simply remarkable. That's all I have to say about that. :]

Wow. I must say I'm pleasantly surprised at the reviews I've received. I mean, it's a poem about A CROISSANT, you guys! Thanks for all the lovely reviews!

*laughs*

Excellent!

Reminds me of:

Oh my dear, you take my breath away -
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

lolz - good job!

- jai -

Hahaha. This was brilliant! I'd omit "like" before "a crab gone dry", for the sake of the rhythm. Actually, now that I'd change that to:

"Your flaky shell,
A crab gone dry" ( or "your flaky shell's" ,whatever makes you tick).

I'd put "could" on the same like as "make me cry."

The third stanza was great! I really loved it, and the same for the fifth. I don't think you really need the fourth stanza. It's weaker than the rest, and doesn't really add anything.

I loved "Oven's womb" and "cardboard tomb". They were really fresh (No pun intended!)

Your conclusion was perfect. A pleasure to read. Really different. It made me smile.

Jas

I've never heard of an ode to a stale strudel. I found it quite amuing, though a little strange.

Definitely unique. It made me laugh while reading. And who doesnt need a good laugh.
Very well written, and excellent structure.

Carl

tee hee... i'm tickled pick! Very funny.... sounds like my room.. (few old lunches in there... you know??) Kidding, but it flowed nicely, and the topic, through completely random, says a lot about a person's writing ability. You have shown great things to me. You have shown that no matter what the topic, you could convey a positive effect on the reader. You sure made me smile anyway...

YOU, my dear friend, are one of the fewest people in the world I know who can make me LAUGH and insipire me to never take my pastries for granted AGAIN WHILE RHYMING!

Congradulations on this, and recieving my 3000th post.
Ooh my my

Write about an orange next. I know you can do it *Tee hee*