POD 3- Coming Home

Chapter 3-Coming home


It'd been two weeks since Jamie had written anything. Mostly because she had nothing to write about. Though she had a million things to write about.

Her father.

Her friends.

Her Darkness.

Nothing seemed right. Nothing seemed worthy to follow up the portion about her father.

Hmm...Speak of the devil...

Jamie was sitting on the couch, staring at-but not seeing- the television. Her mother was in the kitchen. A noise came from the door, a metal key into the lock. Turning. The door slowly opened.

And the devil shall appear.

He was carrying two huge rolling suitcases. One was pink, the other blue. Jamie gagged at the thought of matching luggage.

After her father came the new step-mother, all primped up in her new fake tan, short white shorts and an orange tank top. This one was blond, Jamie hadn't met her yet.

“Hey Jamie, I'd like you to meet Tammy,” her father said.

“Hello Jamie, your dad's told me so much about you, I'm sure we'll get along perfectly,” the silicone filled woman said.

Jamie stared at them both without saying anything.

“Jamie,” her father began, “Aren't you going to say anything to Tammy?”

“Two months,” Jamie said. “If she doesn't get pregnant first.”

Her fathers jaw dropped to the ground, Tammy's eyes held fire. Jamie smiled a little.

“Young Lady, I am your father and you will-”

“Father? Right, well, what kind-of father does this to his child? Tell me. What kind of respect does this amount of pain deserve? Because as far as I know, I'm giving you more respect than you deserve.” Jamie's voice remained silent and calm despite the tornado of emotions that wreaked havoc in her mind.

“You call that respect? I'll show you what respect is. You're grounded, for a month.” The man yelled.

“Bastard, you couldn't ground me if you used all of your past wives to create a barricade out of my room. Do me and Mom a favor. Go to hell.”

“Richard?” Jamie's mom emerged from the kitchen, holding a plate and towel in her hands.

“Mary, get your daughter in control!” Richard said.

“What's going on?” Jamie's mom asked.

“Mom, get this sorry excuse for a man out of here!”

“Jamie, wha-” her mom was baffled, Tammy had backed into a corner. Maybe it would be less than two months.

“Jamie, explain to us both what is going on with you,” her father demanded.

“You know better than I do,why don't you tell her,” Jamie lost her carefully acquired control as Richard recounted the recent events. She left the room, and went to her sanctuary.

It was dark, as it always was, the walls were dark gray, the curtains thick and black, not allowing any light in.

A red spiral notebook was sprawled out on her desk, other than the bed and dresser it was the only furniture in the large room. Jamie sat at the desk, it was placed away from everything else in the room, roughly twenty feet away from the door.

It was a spacious room, you walked in the door, across from it was a window, above which was a black loft bed. Below the bed was a dresser that matched it and a full length mirror. On the other side of the room, was a basic desk, holding only a notebook and a never ending supply of black fountain pens.

Jamie picked up one of the pens as she stared down the paper, willing it to send her the right words. She tapped it on the wood a few times, until finally the perfect sentence came together.

***

It's not life that's bitchy, it's the people in it.

I just had to comment on this. It's really good, even alongside the other stories up for offer on here.

It seems to flow easily, which is good. I know I find it easy to give up if something gets boring. But this was just the right pace.

And also, I like how you don't censor anything, how you tell it like it really would happen. I know lots of writers who trim everything so it can't offend, and the end product is totally flat.

So, i'll just go read the next installment. Keep up your good work, JC.

I just had to comment on this. It's really good, even alongside the other stories up for offer on here.

It seems to flow easily, which is good. I know I find it easy to give up if something gets boring. But this was just the right pace.

And also, I like how you don't censor anything, how you tell it like it really would happen. I know lots of writers who trim everything so it can't offend, and the end product is totally flat.

So, i'll just go read the next installment. Keep up your good work, JC.

I think that the dialogue is fantastic and the way you choose to narrate it, works really well. I get a real feeling of empathy for Jamie - and I forgot to mention this in the previous chapter, the situation that you build with Jamie's mum planning the weddings is tragic.

“Hello Jamie, your dad's told me so much about you, I'm sure we'll get along perfectly,” the silicone filled woman said.

A minor thing, I don't think that silicon filled woman is the right way of descibing it. It reads oddly. The choice of description is good, I think it just needs to be re worded.

Nice story, I'll keep reading.

yay I'm onto part three

Hmm...Speak of the devil...

Jamie was sitting on the couch, staring at-but not seeing- the television. Her mother was in the kitchen. A noise came from the door, a metal key into the lock. Turning. The door slowly opened.

And the devil shall appear.

Ooh i really liked that part, how you start the saying, speak of the devil then go on to something else then finish it, like i have said before your writing is amazingly different to other styles and i like that

father said.

“Hello Jamie, your dad's told me so much about you, I'm sure we'll get along perfectly,” the silicone filled woman said.

here could you maybe use a different word to 'said' like how they said something or like an emotion of how they spoke the words?

Jamie said.

Again here, Like you could say if she said it with a smirk or something like that? I think said on its own works if its like once in a while otehrwise it sounds a little repeated.

Another great part here, I'm really enjoying reading these Keep it up!

Meevs
x

Yeah, I changed the "silicone filled" to "silicone enhanced."

It'd been two weeks since Jamie had written anything. Mostly because she had nothing to write about. Though she had a million things to write about.

this is another spot where the sentences should be together. I think I'm just going to stop mentioning it, because I figure now that I've pointed it out you can find them for yourself? If you'd like me to continue picking at them, though, just say so. And these sentence they just feel real...blunt to me. Straight forward narration. Perhaps this is what bothers me about your writing? There is no emotion to it, no grace, it's robotic. "This. Then this. And That." It isn't bad but...it seems odd.

Hmm...Speak of the devil...

And the devil shall appear.

These both seem like something that would be said in the girls voice, and not in the narrators, so it doesn't really "fit". Also your use of old English contrasts the modernity of the story, and though old English is fun, you probably shouldn't use it.

short white shorts

You'd be best off saying, "White short-shorts," which is less confusing.

Now I'm really getting into it, because it is as if you are chronicling the read why she writes. The only thing I don't like, is while all that emotion is running through her, all these fighting is going on, it's just....still. Let us see body movement, tears, thoughts, emotions. Pull us in, and make us feel. Make Your Reader Feel. I'm not so sure that article will help but...you never know.

If I could feel her emotions, or see her reacting (even if she bottles in her emotions, there are inward emotions. I've been through my own hells, I would know.) Also, you should eventually explain to us why on earth the mother and the father are still living together, even if the father is remarrying. It seems rather unreasonable, but perhaps my divorced family is more broken than usual? In any case, it seems odd.

I love all the conflict you're hitting us with ^_^ Really saves you from the drab beginning.