Morning Birds At First Light

Formerly Known As "Early Easter Morning"

-EDITED-

The morning birds sing their songs
As the inky darkness gives way
and the earth's vision
is restored once again.

Clouds moving westwards,
following the confused geese.
Sunbeams peek through shyly,
asking to bring out their radiance.

Shimmering light reflects
on the dreary ocean waves.
Casting a warm glow across
the bleak sea, bringing it to life.

A gull lands carefully on the rock,
another one casually swoops down.
Together they stand like two veterans
side by side, one legged.

They begin to screech and cry
as the crows continue to caw.
The bright orb rises,
the day has just begun.

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-> (So is it still flat or just too much now?)
I THINK I'M TRYING TOO HARD NOW.
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-ORIGINAL-

The morning birds sing their songs.
The inky darkness
gives way and the earth's vision
is restored once again.

Clouds moving westwards,
bullied by the wild wind.
Sunbeams peek through shyly
as if asking to come out.

Golden light reflects
on the gray ocean waves.
Casting color upon
the dull surface of the sea.

A gull lands on the rock,
another swoops down.
Together they stand
side by side, one legged.

They begin to cry
as the crows begin to caw.
The bright orb rises,
the day has just begun.

*Please note that seagulls stand on one leg when it is cold, they tuck the other one in to keep it warm. I guess that's common sense for a Canadian on the west coast, but others from elsewhere don't seem to know that. So now you know.*

Overall, very pretty. You move nicely from subject to subject.

Fabien wrote:The inky darkness
gives way and the earth's vision
is restored once again.

Personally. I think it would sound better if you had:

The inky darkness gives way,
and the earth's vision
is restored once again.

Fabien wrote:Sunbeams peek through shyly
as if asking to come out.

I would make this into a metaphor instead of an analogy. In my humble opinion, it would flow better:

Sunbeans peek through shyly,
asking to come out.

Fabien wrote:Together they stand
side by side, one legged.

I'm slightly confused on the last 'one legged' part. Maybe if you took that out and made it:

Together they stand,
side by side.
_______
But that's just me. I haven't written poetry in a really long time. I've shifted mostly to novels/short stories. So take this for what it's worth, and keep going with your writing!

i think there were some things which you could have done a lot with. however, a lot of what you wrote was slightly cliche. one of those swept under the rug cliches.

Sunbeams peek through shyly,
asking to come out.

an example of this. since the concept of the beginnings of morning have done before, it's crucial that you have originality in yours. also, taken from the title, i assume that it's about easter. you could, perhaps, try to differentiate this particular day from the rest.

something else... you have description, but they are flat.

Golden light reflects
on the gray ocean waves.
Casting color upon
the dull surface of the sea.

like this. this is a good idea! taking the contrasts of light and dullness, you could do so much more than say "golden light" and "gray", "color" and "dull". what does it make you feel? what do you want it to make the reader feel? go beyond just adjectives. it's the age old "show, don't tell."

i think you can go somewhere with this if you worked on some parts a little more. hope this helps!

I wrote something very similar to this junior year of high school, for an english assignment. We were to describe an outdoor scene, and so I did. I remember what my teacher wrote on the paper: "Nice." And while your poem is, indeed nice, that is basically all it is. It's a strictly surface poem, no deeper meaning. Like, you didn't take any risks with it. It's just nice, and that's it.

Granted, you've got some great wording in here. "Orb," mmm. I love the image of two birds standing side by side, on one leg. It's very ... it's kind of a funny image, but at the same time, very powerful.

I think this poem is nice, but you need to realize that great poetry -- truly GREAT poetry -- always has an underlying message. It says so much with so little. I think you have potential, but there needs to be much more thought put into your poetry.

Lyndsey