summer heat (needs better title)

There’s nothing like
a slow smile spreading
across full pink lips when
you’re too close for this summer heat,
but every breath means the rise of her chest
will brush your skin just barely,
and something tells you that’d be
worth so much more discomfort
than the sticky drying sweat
across your slightly sunburned skin.



i still need a title for this but i've waited a few days and nothing is coming to me. anyway...
comments/suggestions?

I think you need some punctuation somewhere in there. All thats one sentence? Stick in a colon or semicolon. It will look and read a lot better.

Otherwise, this is a nice little poem. Sometimes, less is more.

I like this very much. It wouldn't have been very good if every line hadn't contributed something to the poem. I agree with haina though. When reading it, you don't know when the thought ends. Good job overall!

ok went back and added commas where i would intend for a pause. i do understand the need for them but i'm horrible at ever remembering to use punctuation. so yeah, does that help?

Much better. The commas make you pause to let the line sink in. It looks much more organized now too.

Yeah, very good. A good short read. Although I do think it needs a much better title. The regular title just makes it seem a little racy, dont you think? But it does go with the whole poem so, it works. Nice job, keep writing.

I though this was really good. You got your point across, and quite well for a poem of what, 10 lines? Hmm...let's see...

'across full pink lips when/you're too close for this summer heat'- I loved these two lines. I don't know why, they just kind of made the whole poem, you know what i mean?

Good job!

sweet and sexy as hell. I like it. Maybe you could lengthen it and tie a story to it...I donno. It's great as it is, though.

Damnit my Avator won't change even though I've brought stuff.

Anyway this was very very pretty. I loved the feeling I got from this poem, somehow it felt warm and comforting and,...Well I hope that's what you wanted to get across.