Young Writers Society

As I lay my soul to die.
Some may cheer and others cry.
As my blood is washed away
A prayer is said, remember today!
Shed no tears for me love,
I will watch you from above.
If the earth should crumble and fall.
My love will spare you and save you all.
I am your savior, pray for me.
I am your savior, I’ll set your heart free.
Your sins are my secret, I shall never tell.
Never forget there is heaven and hell.
But no matter what crime no matter what sin.
I love you all, you are forgiven.

A poem I wrote when I was young. It's a simple poem.

I liked this a lot.
It was really soulful and spiritual, I thought, and it seemed like it had a lot of meaning.

L&L

My grandmother published this for me when I was twelve. She was the only one who seriously believed in me and my writing.
Thanks for commenting Kassy. XD

It was certainly neat, and some aspects of it were really unique, like the way it started out like the prayer, "As I lay me down to sleep..." (Isn't that it?)

One thing though, that I didn't like, was the way the poem was kind of wandered around. It went from one thing to the next, which a poem is supposed to do, but it didn't really have any flow to it, and when you went from one topic, to the next, it felt almost jumpy, and just not...right. I'm not exactly sure how you could fix it though, since I have never had this problem...

Some of your punctuation could be done a little differently, to make it more grammatically correct. Like, in line one you could end with a comma and not a period.

For a poem you wrote when you were younger, this isn't so bad. Makes me wonder how you are now

One bit of advice I can think of is maybe to split it up into stanzas, so it's much easier to read. It's nice and full of compassion. Would prefer it though if you split it up though.

I like the rhyme scheme. Sometimes people have a difficult time coming up with words that fit a situation and follow the rhyming couplets, but you really pulled it off well.
-muse

The Rhythm is very nice. I disagree though, I think it works well as one long stanza, I think it better helps the flow.

This is a very good poem! I thought it flowed well myself, yet I'm no expert in poetry. I loved how you ended it by rhyming "sin" with "forgiven" and I especially liked the line "Your sins are my secret, I shall never tell."

I agree with Claudette, i liked this and yor writing now must have improved lots!

Anyway what i might suggest is well...ntohing really lol, just keep writing!

Well done!

Meevs
x

Thanks everyone for your comments. You improved my very low self-esteem . (Omg I suck at writing. I haven't improved at all!) XD I wrote this poem after I saw the movie the Passion of Christ. <~~I hope this little fact will help everyone understand some of the verses. ^^; I don't think my poem wandered really? Maybe your just analyzing it too much.

This is depressing, but very good. Nice rhythm.

I love this poem. The rhyming was awesome and it still conveyed the message without using to large of word to make it rhyme. I also liked the 'emotion' of the poem. It was conveyed very well.