Tracker Smurf slowly crept over the knoll, the damp grass wetting his stubby blue fingers and his nostrils flaring as they took in the woodland scents. Then something foreign ran across his nose, alerting him and causing him to sneeze quite loudly. It was the smell of sweat and dirt, mixed with a number of odd foodstuffs. It was the distinctive stench of Sloppy Smurf, the runaway villager who’d gone missing three days ago, and the same Smurf that Tracker had been sent out to find. As he wiped his nose, the wind shifted, and Tracker caught a strong whiff of Sloppy. Oh my, he thought, Sloppy smells worse than he usually does.
Lifting himself from the ground, Tracker could see someone moving through the forest, and without hesitation, he hurried towards it, hoping to end his search for the lost smurf who he sought. Quickly clearing the few feet between the top of the knoll and the spot where he’d seen the movement, Tracker came out into a small circular clearing roughly ten feet in diameter. Then he vomited, for there, lying in the grass, was the mangled corpse of Sloppy Smurf.
Both bloodied and naked, his half severed head lay at an odd angle, and many of his detached fingers were scattered about the scene. Tracker grimaced as he walked over to the hogtied body, a spear firmly planted in its chest, and his tongue hanging limply from the mouth.
Behind him, Tracker heard a twig snap. Alarmed, he turned, coming face to face with a bow, arrow notched and the weapon leveled on his big blue smurf head.
***
Smurfette looked down at her pet mouse, Squeaky, silently nibbling on a piece of cheese. Then, smiling, she picked him up and dropped him in her flower garden, amongst the daisy’s and lilies. Then Smurfette smiled and sat down on her rocking chair, picking up ‘101 Ways to Seduce Your Father Figure’ and flipping to her last marked page. She had just started reading when Vanity Smurf walked by, winking.
“How you doin’?” Vanity asked, adjusting the flower tucked into his hat and sitting next to her.
“I’m fine, Mr. Vanity, sir.” She said, biting her lower lip.
“Why,” He paused, “I’ve noticed.”
“Oh, have you?” Smurfette laughed as she put her book down and placed a hand on Vanity’s thigh, who moved closer in response.
Then a voice sounded behind them, “Why hello you two, making smurf in public now are we?”
Smurfette jumped, knowing the speaker to be none other than Papa Smurf. And blushing, she stumbled clumsily away from Vanity and over to her book, where she quickly turned it over and sat on it, making sure Papa Smurf couldn’t make out the title.
Vanity went to reply to Papa Smurf, a bold look on his face, but Smurfette cut him off.
“No, no smurfing in public for us. How are you though, Papa?”
“Oh, I’m fine. Although I’m beginning to become quite worried, Sloppy Smurf has been away for days, and Tracker hasn’t come back with him. I was planning a walk to Wild Smurf’s house in the woodland, to discuss the situation with him, but I’d hate to make that journey without any company. Say, why don’t you two join me?”
“I can’t, my mascar- er, uh, my…hat…needs to be washed, so no going out in the woods for me I’m afraid,” Vanity replied. Smurfette however tilted her head and batted her eyes, a sweet smile playing across her face, “I’ll go with you, Papa Smurf.”
***
Onion looked down upon Tracker Smurf, writhing in pain, an arrow lodged in his bloody red face. Grinning wickedly, Onion kicked the defenseless smurf and pulled out his axe, lifting it over his head. Then, as the weapon waited in the air, and Onion’s eyes shown with the cold look of death. Onion made a decision, and tossed it aside.
Walking off, Onion sat down on a nearby log and pulled a roll of herbs from his belt, giggling as he lit them. Later he sighed, before slipping into his Smompers, a pair of heavy steel toed boots, designed for smurf stomping. They were remarkable shoes, having been passed down through generations of Onion’s family.
Then he walked over to the helpless smurf and performed the Happy Dance of his people. Humming and whistling and singing and laughing as the Smurf known as Tracker became nothing more than a lumpy puddle. A lumpy red puddle, staining the grass.
***
Smurfette walked beside Papa Smurf, who seemed to know the layout of the forest quite well. “Papa,” She said, “How far is it to Wild Smurf’s house?”
“Well, I wouldn’t exactly call it a house,” Papa Smurf replied, “It’s more like a…tree, but it’s not too far. I’d say we have a good ten minutes though at the least.” He replied.
At this Smurfette saddened, for they’d already been walking a little way, and her feet were beginning to tire. But she was happy to be in Papa Smurf’s company, and so she decided neither to complain nor turn back.
She did however start a conversation with Papa Smurf, which continued until they reached Wild Smurf’s tree.
***
Wild Smurf stared at his visitors, with a twitching eye, as they trudged up the path toward his tree-home. He recognized one as Papa smurf, the other he didn’t know. Not caring much, Wild Smurf decided it must be one of Papa’s secret sex slaves. Then, he hurried away from the window, needing to feed his Death Ravens before his guests arrived.
Minutes later a knock sounded on the thick door of Wild Smurf's home. Looking up suddenly from the cage of his Death Ravens, Wild Smurf stroked the neck of one of his birds before he replaced it in its caged and made his way to the door. Peaking through the little hole just to make sure it was truly Papa and his sex slave, Wild Smurf opened the door wide and sported a wide and dirty grin for his visitors. Smurfette cringed.
"Hello, Wild Smurf." Papa said, pulling a carton of juice from thin air, "Smurfette and I were in the neighborhood and I was wondering if you might fancy a chat over a cup of juice?"
Wild shifted his footing and leaned to the side so he could better see Smurfette. She was a pretty one. But too clean for his taste. Wild looked again at Papa Smurf, staring this time with his wide, bloodshot eyes. There was a pause. Then he grunted and turned, leading the way into the tree. Papa smiled and followed his host over the threshold.
***
Onion sighed, having finished stomping out Tracker Smurf. Then, biting off a hang nail, Onion dragged the two smurf corpses off to the side of the clearing and whistled loudly. Onion perked up his ears and waited for a responding whistle. He heard it. Nodding and smiling, he raised a crude horn to his lips and blew hard. Then he waited a few seconds for a response. There was one. Onion jumped and danced, hollering wildly. The purging of the Smurfs had begun! The horde would soon be under way!
***
Inside Wild Smurf's tree home the three smurfs were sitting at a small table in the attic, sipping their juice. Wild Smurf stared at his guests. Papa Smurf sipped his juice. Smurfette was trying to figure out why Wild had led them to the attic.
"So, Wild, seeing as how you live in the forest, I'd like to know if you've noticed anything peculiar as of late. It seems quite a few villagers have gone missing over the past few weeks, and come to think of it, I really haven't seen very much wildlife either.Would you know anything about anything?" Papa asked.
Wild Smurf stared at his guests. In the distance a horn sounded, filling the forest with an ominous sound. Unable to supress the ecstacy that the sound brought out of him, Wild smurf roared as he stood suddenly, overthrowing the juice table and brandishing an axe. "They're here, you silly old man!" Smurfette screamed. And another horn sounded as Wild Smurf's axe came down, decapitating Papa and spraying blood across the room.
Minutes later Wild Smurf's Death Ravens flew from his tree bearing a crude message for the horde.
***
Onion stood amongst his warriors, who were all painted and armor clad. They were a startling bunch, standing four feet tall, a mixture of tangled brown hair, spiked armor and dirty weaponry. Pointing in the direction of the Smurf vllage, Onion began to chant and march through the clearing. As he led the way, Onion spotted two small black dots in the sky, heading toward him and his troop. Halting them momentarily, he allowed the Death Ravens to land on his forearm while he read the message Wild Smurf had sent him. He finished it and screamed, marching faster toward the village.
His warriors followed, leading the army that seemed to emerge impossibly from the land!
***
Wild Smurf sprinted through the forest, taking the back trails and shortcuts he alone had pioneered. If he were to be a part in the slaughtering he would have to move quickly, for he knew the horde would waste no time in getting to the slaughter. Jumping and weaving in and out of the trees, Wild Smurf ran as fast as he could toward the village, hurtling over fallen trunks and swinging on vines when he could.
Wild Smurf was truly Wild, a beast on the hunt!
***
As Onion's troop neared the village, the farmer smurfs were the first to lay eyes on the band. Paralyzed by fear, most of them crapped themselves and fell to the ground, weeping for mercy which they did not recieve as the invaders shanked them violently. But the smurfs that were not completely paralyzed fled the scene, fleeing as fast they could. Their efforts were in vain as black arrows flew forward, impaling them, and bringing them down into the darkness of death. The archers then lit their arrows and shot them at the highly flammeable smurf huts, which ignited on impact.
The horde moved in from all sides.
The slaughter commenced, with one of the mighty death songs being sung merrily, over and over.
Forward with the arrows and whirling blades,
down with the dirty blue swine!
Stomp them, bleed them and always grind,
relentless till the fury fades!
Slit the throats and sever the limbs,
see how far the smurfs will bend!
Run them down and kill them slow,
chaotically, blow by blow!
The village burned, the inhabitants' screams peircing the forest canopy. Wild Smurf and Onion murdered side by side, sparing none of the wretched blue creatures. That is, until Wild Smurf accidently got in the way of Onion's shanking of Vanity Smurf which angered Onion, and made him decide to slay Wild Smurf also. But then he went back to the slaughter.
Which was brutal and horrid!
And in the end, when the smoke cleared, in the center of the village Onion and one of his troops layed down two screaming children, one male, the other female. This way, in hundreds of years, when the village was once again populated, the horde could return...
