Draconian

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Chapter 1
Era of Kagan

Ok Draconan, you have to be more careful out here than me, my mother warned. You don’t have the element of surprise. You stick out like a broken wing with those red scales, so no cockiness got it?

Yes mother, I said, keeping back the anticipation of my first hunt. She took me to a place where deer gather a lot. So I just jump and grab the weakest right mom?

Yes, but do no underestimate them, they’ll fight back. I learned that at your age.

I slowly clawed my way to the clearing quietly. I saw one deer eating grass. Wasn’t this supposed to be a huge gathering place.

I looked back to my mother for reassurance. She gave me a quick nudge with here nose urging me on.

I pounced on the deer, attacking it, taking it by surprised. It was struggling has I held it under my claw. Then I got a kick in the nose by it’s hoof, that hurt. I gave it a quick bite to the head and waited for it to lie still.

Mom I did it, I did it, I said very excitedly. My nose hurts but I got it.

She gave me a Dragon grin and said, Good, you did faster than me, I’m jealous. Now wait till you hunt bigger animals.

Then out of the trees arrows shot out, attached with little vine looking things. It started to form a net around us.

Draconan, run! my mother cried, but I was to horrified to move. Run, Draconan, run. It’s the Spotters they capture you!

I instantly snapped back to reality and started to make an escape, but it was to late humans with shiny sticks started circling us, cutting off all exits.

When my mother say this she started lashing out with her claws, but the fended it off with sharp hits from the swords. She let out sharp roars, but the humans seemed unaffected by it. More arrows came around us keeping us low to the ground.

Then my mother let out a longs breathe of fire, burning the vine things around us and getting some of the humans.

Draconan, fly away! she yelled. Don’t worry about me I’ll escape.

This would be my first and hopefully not last flight. I took a leap with my legs and started moving my wings like my mother did and I was airborne. It wasn’t long though, I felt a force pulling me down, but nothing was on me and my wings were flapping desperately.

I looked down and saw a human in blue clothing, holding a staff, and chanting. From my mother’s description I knew this to be a magician.

The magician started chanting something else and I was slowly losing conciseness. And before I was out I saw my mother lying on the ground with a sword sticking out of her chest. She was dead

Mother, and then I lost conciseness.

I know kinda early for Chapter 1, but I already had this thing somewhat planned out for prologue and chapter one. I still hope it's good please critique it.




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Yes, but do not underestimate them, they’ll fight back.


So I just jump and grab the weakest, right mom?



I pounced on the deer, attacking it, taking it by surprised. It was struggling has I held it under my claw. Then I got a kick in the nose by it’s hoof, that hurt. I gave it a quick bite to the head and waited for it to lie still.

It took me a moment to understand this part. The first sentence doesn't flow quite right. It should probably be "I pounced on the deer, attacking it and taking it by surprise." Also, I think you mean "It struggled as I held it under my claw." The next sentence should probably be "Then, I got a kick in the nose from its hoof, which hurt." rather than "that hurt"

I instantly snapped back to reality and started to make an escape, but it was to late humans with shiney sticks started circling us, cutting off all exits.

"I instantly snapped back to reality and started to make an escape, but I was too late. Humans with shiny sticks started to circle us, cutting off all exits."

The magician started chanting something else and I was slowly losing conciseness. [s]And[/s] before I was out I saw my mother lying on the ground with a sword sticking out of her chest. She was dead.


Mother, and then I lost conciseness.

Quote or put mother in italics. Give an action like ""Mother," I said. Then I lost consciousness."

This is pretty good for a first attempt. You should work on punctuation and how you say certain phrases. Read it to yourself out loud and see if it sounds right. Use italics or quotes as well, like I had said earlier. It's a bit difficult to read otherwise. It could also be more interesting if you added some description as well.
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Anything that lloks like speech. The italics i was using for speech on my writing program didn't transfer. The italics are thought sppech so no one is confused.




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Gender Male
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yes i agree i didnt 100% understand all of it but still...>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> it's a very nice story!
It's priest have a little priest




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Points 890
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Interesting chapter 1, a few little errors but good start. Maybe arrange some sentences a little differently or add some more details. Definately looking forward to what happens next.
~*~It's Not Faith If You Use Your Eyes ~*~
- Miracle by Paramore



The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet.
— Aristotle