Syradrum 1 (Falling)

I like this so far. It's extremely descriptive, and the character's thoughts let you know what is happeningin the story, unlike other stories, where the author has to say 'This is a story about two siblings whose father died.' One thing that I disn't like as much was the fact that you tended to restate things again and again. Another thing that bothered me was that I still don't know if the main character is a girl or a boy.

Mkay. I've tried to say everything once and only once. *psst--I added in the beginning her name was Alexandra, although I had written that already, just in a later portion* Again, sorry it's so long.

This is really good, pretty gripping. A coupld comments...

"dark oblivion with no means of escape. It was dark" "It was dark all around"

This part is very very repetative...*sorry if that was spelled wrong* and it kind of annoyed me. Same with this:

"the pain and suffering he had clearly suffered."

Other than that I really liked it. Also, if I knew what I was doing, those quotes would probably be in the cool white box, but they aren't, so I'm sorry. Talk to ya later!

~Bells~

Royboy wrote:Knowing that I was going to die made my mind rush faster than ever before. I could hear the evil voice in the back of my mind saying "You're going to die," but I held it off for as long as I could. I wished for a way to get back up to the real world, to stop my night terror from actually killing me this time. I tried pinching myself, but nothing worked. I knew that my bed wasn't too far from here, that I was only dreaming. I could feel the sun shining on my face in the other world of my physical being where it was morning. It was a dream, but I didn't know how to wake up from it. The dream went on for what felt like eternity.

I know that you're writing in first person, but try not to begin too many sentences with the pronoun "I". For example, instead of saying "I knew that my bed..." you can begin with "my bed". Experiment by varying the use of "I" as the sentence beginning, because while you don't want too many, too few is confusing as well.

You begin with a description of the setting, but make sure you're still describing the world around you later in the story, especially since your character wanders off.

Royboy wrote:"Panicking like a crazy person"

Eh, I don't know if I like this...my first instinct is to say that it is cliche, but I'm not entirely positive. Since you include description following this, you could do something like: "Panicking, I tried to kick..." or "Like a crazy person, I tried to kick..." so that there aren't so many things modifying what's happening.

Royboy wrote:"The "thing" carrying me was a rather hansom young man. He paid me no attention, but cradled me in his arms as he ran down the underground tunnel. At first glance, he looked like he could pass for nineteen or twenty, but upon closer inspection, the grimace he wore made him years older along with the pain and suffering he had clearly suffered."

Try to span out your description a little more, maybe include everything after the grimace in a second sentence so the first one isn't so long, or add pain and suffering as adjectives beside grimace ("suffering he had clearly suffered" is a little redundant anyway). Also, maybe try leaving a little description of this boy for later encounters so that the reader is always learning something new about your character. I also liked that it was a handsome man who saved her, even if that is a terribly medieval idea .

Royboy wrote:but then I felt a feint coming on

I've never heard it said like that... that was nice.

By the end of the chapter/excerpt, I wanted to keep reading to find out who the boy was. I liked the idea.

PM me if you have any questions, I hope I can be of help!
-Amelia

Hey, Roy!

This was a very good read- the conflicts and the characters were interesting and your setting was nicely described. With your story I got a panorama...a lot of people just do the greenscreen. Good job.

A few things, though:

NAVEL GAZING, AND OTHER SUCH PROBLEMS WITH FIRST PERSON: I know that Brad [Incandescence] uses this term a lot in his critiques. I really have no idea what he personally means by it, but I interpret it differently- having a character so deeply involved in themselves that all we see is their stomach. Looking down, and looking at themselves.

The good news is: your story is good. Your character is good. She's not perfect though, and that's the curse of first person- she's not perfect and she shall have a tendency to rant at you about those imperfections through the whole thing.

This is why- if your heart is set on first person- it's very helpful to use one of your more 'doormat', observant characters. The ones who aren't super headstrong, and are fairly open-minded and unburdened by personal problems. That way, we get a nice, un-biased view.

It's bad enough to wallow in our own misery, let alone someone elses'.

Two quick tips:

- Avoid using one-word phrases to describe your characters' appearance or situation (the one that caught my eye was 'haggard'). This only spreads negativity. It'll sound much better if the description is a sentence or two- it'll bring out the atrocities, but it'll be much less self-involved.

- Sprinkle in balanced description. Cheer up once in awhile, in other words. Not everything is going to remind you of your own self-pity- a story written completely like that ("the mailbox's stark, cold lines reminded me of my agony") sounds completely rediculous. Not everything has to make them happy, but it's okay for them to merely sit back and observe some goings-on.

THE HOOK: Your writing style is very nice and flowing, so this is merely an extra thing- if your book were on a shelf, someone would probably sit there and read a few pages merely because your words are pretty and go together. How do you get them to pull out a tent in Barnes and Noble in order to read the whole thing?

You need to draw them into the story!

This story begins with a dream. A dream with a bottomless pit, no less- and so, even though your reader likes the story because it's engaging and interesting, they're also thinking in the back of their mind, "Ugh. Another dark, psychological dream thingy. I've read this before, and it always ends in prophecy or mental illness."

...yeah, not good. How to fix it?

There's got to be something unique in the story. There don't have to be dancing bears or anything outlandish, but tweak the background of the dream so that it's not just any old bottomless pit dream- it's Roy's version of the bottomless pit dream.

___

Thanks for the good story! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or want me to take a second look at something.

Well, I think that AmeliaOliver and Sam have really hit everything I thought to say on the head. Your writing style is very good, but I had this odd feeling that Sam described as the 'navel gazing' throughout the story. It's a blast to write first person for a conflicted character, but you have to limit yourself. The one suggestion I can give to prevent you from this navel gazing is to distract the main character with the actions around them. Sometimes you have to stifle the narrator's voice and tell your character that no, they cannot say that right now. If you can do that and work on not starting each sentence with I, it will help a lot.

i personally liked it alot. it made me want to keep reading, and i like that about books (who doesn't?). Like Sam and ameliaoliver said, you do need to do a bit of editing here and there... but other than that... i really liked it. keep writing!

Very good, I can second what most of the others have said but I have one other main point of my own: Exaggeration.

My body fell slowly, but my stomach churned faster than ever before.

Knowing that I was going to die made my mind rush faster than ever before.

It kept thundering out of my mouth until I opened my eyes.

Myles walked back to his room in the most somber way imaginable.

My imagination worked on overtime as I imagined a person sitting under the tree.

There were absolutely no cars, as usual and I walked down the middle of the deserted road.

Plus, deserted means there aren't any cars, you say the same thing twice .

I tried to kick whatever it was off of me in a mad panic.

He was obviously pained and had endured much through his life.

And now for the worst:

Life seemed to go by like this for forever and a day.

Oh dear. How can I put this?
How many million times do I have to tell you to stop exaggerating?!?
That's how I remember . If you exaggerate badly, you weaken how it sounds when you use it in the right place. Also, your reader's mind gets tired trying to imagine such immense thoughts and they will get bored and leave. Make it interesting, there are billions of words out there to choose from. Choose one that fits what you want to say and don't use them to say more than you want to.

Last point:

Unfortunately, this is where my story changed from the rut that I had been thrust into to something completely new and exhilarating to me. This is where my life came crumbling down right before my eyes, but at the same time, changed me for the better and kept me living my life. In a way, you could say that it woke me up to reality, but I often asked myself: "Was it just another dream, or did it really happen?" I never found out, but I still see glimpses from my memories and wonder how I could have believed it all so abruptly.

Ewww, a classic 'Show don't tell' mistake. Get rid of it, it doesn't help.


I can agree with Sam when he says it's the classic 'Daaark poooortent of doooom'. Not particularly original but still interesting. Keep working on it and cut out the exaggeration and you've got a good story there. PM me if you want any help on any comments I've made.

DarkLight

Really isn't much I can say that hasn't already been said. So, I guess I'll go with my thoughts on the story...seeing as that's what a critique is right???
Now, there will be not spiffy white boxes in this message =) I know, WEIRD right???? teehee. I'm gonna be plot-tual tonight, I know, cool word right! ONWARD!!!!

So, it start with a falling person, like many, many things I've read before. And one book I've written, in which the opening line was "I was falling down a spiraling darkness," sound familiar? I thought so too. But don't worry, I changed it so it may seem like a less trite way to start a story. Maybe. But I'm sure that there are a million other people starting with falling, probably because there are so many people who find fear in that particular situation. Note: there are other ways to invoke a sense of fear in the reader that are less cliche! now, you don't have to change it, no, it's your story, do what you please. I'm just saying, maybe think of a nightmare that you've personally had, one that scared you to awakeness. Maybe use that, and change the way she meets this mystery man.

Now, the random guy. Kinda a twist, unless you make this a romance, in which case, eww. Who meets the love of their life falling in a drain??? But I doubt that's what you're doing, it doesn't seem to fit the feel of the story.

Now, the feel of the story, eh? Doom and gloom, such fun things to write about, mostly because they create feelings in most readers. Unless of coarse they happen to hate sad stuff, in which case, well, they should read something fairly mindless.
Maybe (and I'm saying maybe) add in something good, something that makes the character infinitely happy. There has to be something good in every life, right?

So, those are just my suggestions, things to think about, disregard, use, or what-not.
On a purely readers-view basis, I do have a strong fondness for the story. Very well written, and no punctuation or grammar stuff that I could find. Therefore making me like it that much more!
Keep it up!!!!

-JC

Dang yeah, roya!
seriously,
i've never seen your writing before, but i love this. the detail is incredible. really drew me in.
our writing is similar, i think. but you know i don't like writing fantasy.
is this going to be a phantom of the opera kind of thing?
i'm excited.
this is awesome!
both of our character's dad's died.
they should be friends.
plus they both have funky dreams.

I could hear the evil voice in the back of my mind saying "You're going to die," but I held it off for as long as I could.

You need a comma after "saying"

I felt the heat scald my back as the flames came closer[s] to my back[/s].

and make-[s]belive[/s] believe voices

Remember: spell check!

Amazing Sam and WD probably said all the things I would have said (judging by Sam's bolds). So I'll just say my general impression and complaints in short form.

Good: The plot ended very grippingly. At first I was thinking "there is no way I'm reading more of this" but I want to know who that guy is.

The Bad: the first person/navel gazing, the telling, you could have inserted more action. You didn't tell us enough, why did the dad die? but I'm confident that Sam covered this stuff and gave lovely advice on it, she's good like that.

Something more I want: characterize more. Who is Alexandra?

It was good ^_^ I will read more!

hahaha claudette changed my post to dang yeah cuz i said a bad word
=X
XDD

Yes... She would have.

Thanks, Clau. I've tried to go back plenty of times. I think either I don't have enough will power to retype the entire thing or I just don't have the courage. Now that I think about it, that's probably what it needs. I'll try and fix it up a bit.