ShadowWalker

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This is the Story of John Vasilius Draconius.

“Surrender!” his magically enhanced voice was heard by all.

A dark figure stood facing the front gates of Alu’en, the fortress of Venar, its black robes whipping around it in the wind, its face hidden deep inside the cowl of its cloak.

On the castle walls stood three hundred men at arms, wearing the black and grey livery of the Duke of Venar.

“Leave these lands before we send you to the halls of the dead.”

“You are one man, you cannot take this castle alone, no matter how powerful you are,” shouted a man from above the gate.

This was followed by more taunts, which abruptly ended when a man, wearing heavy armour stepped out onto the battlements.

“Why have you come here to our lands?” he shouted, a voice used to giving orders.

“I have come to reclaim the lands of a once great people. All I want is for you and your men to leave. Go home to your cities. Once I have my ancestral lands I will be of no more trouble to you or your King.” The lie came easily; it was too early for its true reasons to be known.

“Your lands,” the Duke scoffed. “These lands were ruled by savages, uncivilised barbarians. But look now the people thrive.”

“No, I will not give up these lands that my King so graciously bestowed upon me and my family.” His voice turned hard. “I warn you magician, I tire of this banter.“

“I will ask you one more time, leave my lands,” said the dark figure, its voice still carrying to every ear.

“Your lands!” roared the Duke. “Who are you to claim these lands?”

“Who am I,” Its voice had gone cold, sending a chill down the spine of every man on the walls. “I am John Vasilius Draconius and by the setting of the sun this night, I will have these lands.”

“These are my lands and you alone cannot take them!” roared the Duke,

“WRONG!” yelled John, his voice, so filled with Power it shook the very walls of the castle.

The air began to shimmer around John as he drew on his magic, the deep reservoir of Power inside him bursting open its floor gates.

John raised his hand, palm out. Without even the groan of wood the gates were shattered, blowing inwards. The cries of men on the walls went up, orders were passed and arrows were notched.

Walking toward the gate John heard someone shout, “Fire”. Raising his hand, faster then the eye could see, a small wave of shimmering air echoed out.

Arrows, fired from the battlements, whizzed by his head, striking only the ground, hundreds were loosed from there bows, turning the afternoon to dusk, John was surrounded by a barrier of wood and feather.

When the arrows stopped the men atop the walls could see the circle of ground around the magician was clear of any arrows. A field of feathers circled him.

With another wave of his hand to clear a path through the hedge of arrows, orders to load the catapults could be heard. John was close enough to the walls to see the worry written on the faces of the men manning the walls.

The sharp twang of the catapults was the only warning John had, or needed, again his hand appeared raised, waiting. Hundreds of rocks the size of a mans head rained down around the magician. All those falling toward him slowed, until they floated in the air above his head.

Waving his hand to the side, as if shoeing a fly, he sent them tumbling across the flat grassy land around the castle.

“You cannot beat me,” he told them again.

“Your power will drain and when it does I will show you the hospitality of our dungeons and headman’s block.”

John stepping into the arch of the gate, on the other side he saw the courtyard, standing in the centre was a squad of men at arms. All brisling steal, shields locked together, with the emblem of Venar painted on them, the curled mountain lion.

From both sides of the gate spear shot out, jabbing at him, while burning oil poured through the roof of the gate house. The spears twisted to either side of his dark robes, while the oil flowed around him, washing across the hard soil.

The cries of officers could be heard, “Hold fast.”
In the shadows i walk, through the light of life.




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First of all I would like to say this is a very well written piece of fantasy.

“Surrender!” his magically enhanced voice was heard by all.


I think you need to include something about the voice here, just a small description. His low voice, his calm voice. Whether he is yelling or talking, just a little something extra.


I like the feeling of otherworldliness that you create by descibing the figure as "it", not giving it a gender or even humanity.

“WRONG!” yelled John, his voice, so filled with Power it shook the very walls of the castle.


I don't think you need to worry about capitalising it. Also I don't see the sudden anger being part of how John is. Maybe instead of yelled it could be raged? Or even that he spoke softly yet the power of his voice shook the walls?

A very nice description of the arrows flying at him, "feathers and wood" was a nice touch. Sometimes I think that some of your sentences are a bit too long and full of commas.

Very nice story, I would love to read more and I look forward to reading more.
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Naught else is worth the having. -- Ezra Pound

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“I have come to reclaim the lands of a once great people. All I want is for you and your men to leave. Go home to your cities. Once I have my ancestral lands I will be of no more trouble to you or your King.” The lie came easily; it was too early for its true reasons to be known.


This is good. But remember these knights would have no cities to go to. Apart from a fortress and a hold for the land about, it was also a home to the lords and ladies and knights of the land. So, they don’t live in cities but in the castle.

“These lands were ruled by savages, uncivilised barbarians. But look now the people thrive.”


Again good. But a teensy weensy little problem. A grammar thing actually. You should say, “But look (full stop) Now the people thrive.” Or maybe, “Look how the people thrive!” either way… your decision.

John is a very noble name, true enough. But sooooo common. Maybe , if you like the sound, make it something more unusual. Like “Jawn” or “Juan”. You don’t have to. That’s just my opinion.

“WRONG!” yelled John, his voice, so filled with Power it shook the very walls of the castle.


“Power” would not have a capital letter.

the deep reservoir of Power inside him bursting open its floor gates.


There you go with the “Power” again. Maybe you should explain to me why “power” has a capital letter. I may be missing something here.

a small wave of shimmering air echoed out.


I love this. Such a powerful image. Very good, well done

The sharp twang of the catapults


Twang suggests strings. When I think of catapults, I think of wood and heavy rocks. Twang maybe might not be the right word here.

“Your power will drain and when it does I will show you the hospitality of our dungeons and headman’s block.”


You do not make it clear as to who shouts this. Maybe mention it.

From both sides of the gate spear shot out, jabbing at him, while burning oil poured through the roof of the gate house.


you forgot an “S” after spears.

This was amazing. I love your style and can’t wait to read more. Though I have made a lot of suggestions and comments above, I thoroughly enjoyed it. You’re a very talented writer!

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Your vampire friend
BlackDove!
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i actually enjoy editing poeples stories - so if you would like me to edit your story, please send me a PM. I think it would be easier than me simply criting your work and certainly much more thourough!




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I like this idea. It would be neat to get a background story on it. :}

There were a few grammar/punctuation errors. I suggest you just read through it and fix them when you catch them.

A dark figure stood facing the front gates of Alu’en, the fortress of Venar, its black robes whipping around it in the wind, its face hidden deep inside the cowl of its cloak.


I think it would be okay to specify that the dark figure is a "he" and not an "it."

This was followed by more taunts, which abruptly ended when a man


You tend to use "a man" a lot. Try to vary your pronouns a little bit.

The lie came easily; it was too early for its true reasons to be known.


Talk about how easily it came to him for a just a few more sentences. Just to add more emotion and tone to the piece.

A field of feathers circled him.


You basically said this exact same thing in the paragraph above.

The sharp twang of the catapults was the only warning John had, or needed


Choose one: "had" or "needed"

the hospitality of our dungeons


I think "hostility" is a more appropriate word here. :}




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As the nitpicky sentence stuff has already been picked apart by those above, I'll comment on the general flow of the story and the characters. You have a very good idea here and I'd like to see it developed.

Description

While later on you describe the events very well, the lack of description at the beginning irked me. I understand you don't want to give us loads of information on the dark figure, but I felt you could have set the stage a little better and eased us into the story. What is the weather? Landscape? If you feel comfortable delving into John earlier, what is John's reaction to this entire setting? Do the soldiers look fearful? Or are they expressionless? Is it cold outside? Warm? Around what season is it? You do not by any means need to use all those aspects, but try to picture the scene in your head and give us a bit more to relate to at the very beginning and the reader will love you forever. Don't over-describe because that will kill the mystery at the beginning, but a little more might be nice.

Again, nicely done here. I look forward to reading more. PM me if you need anything. :wink:
~ WD
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"All I know, all I'm saying, is that a story finds a storyteller. Not the other way around." ~Neverwas




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I thought I critiqued this, but I guess not.

Anyways. You're gunna have some major power problems if John's your main character. He's already a huge magic user this early in the story.

This the beginning right?

It would probably fit a lot better near the end. After the reader has watched him sturggle and gain power.




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This was followed by more taunts, which abruptly ended when a man, wearing heavy armour stepped out onto the battlements.

Take away the comma, althought the sentence is still a little awkward. Try "a heavily armoured man".

“But look, now the people thrive.”


“I warn you, Magician, I tire of this banter.“


“Who am I?” Its voice had gone cold, sending a chill down the spine of every man on the walls. “I am John Vasilius Draconius and by the setting of the sun this night, I will have these lands.”


“These are my lands and you alone cannot take them!” roared the Duke.

Just a typo, there's a comma at the end instead of a fullstop.

“WRONG!” yelled John, his voice, so filled with Power it shook the very walls of the castle.

Is Power the "official" name of the magic in this story (a la the Force)? If not, there's no reason to capitalise it.

Arrows, fired from the battlements, whizzed by his head, striking only the ground, hundreds were loosed from there bows, turning the afternoon to dusk, John was surrounded by a barrier of wood and feather.

This sentence should be divided.

The sharp twang of the catapults was the only warning John had, or needed, again his hand appeared raised, waiting.

This sentence is also awkward. I'm not sure what to suggest.

Waving his hand to the side, as if shooing a fly, he sent them tumbling across the flat grassy land around the castle.


“Your power will drain and when it does I will show you the hospitality of our dungeons and headman’s block.”

Who is saying this?

John stepping into the arch of the gate, on the other side he saw the courtyard, standing in the centre was a squad of men at arms. All bristling steel, shields locked together, with the emblem of Venar painted on them, the curled mountain lion.

Divide the first sentence there.

From both sides of the gate spears shot out, jabbing at him, while burning oil poured through the roof of the gate house.


And for my own two cents, there's no problem with the main character's power. If he's this strong in the beginning then his enemies in the future will be stronger. He's still faced with challenges so what's the problem?
the user formerly known as chibibo



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