Becoming the Rain

Ok so I'm new to this site, I'm also new to writing poetry as I have only been writing it for a few weeks. Please crit!


Becoming the rain

What if I burst out of the plastic covering
and left the pale house behind?
Let me escpae these fleeting
moments, block out the skipping chatter
and crush the lies before they parch my
grassy knolls, my dewy skies.

I could push away the
boundaries, flee to the black
clouds that hide the moon,
and become the rain.

Velvet dagger droplets
slashing the thirsty ground,
I would lose myself
in the cascading medicine
and find what the world has lost.

I would penetrate every unseen corner,
peirce the grime and rip it away,
the masks shredded.
Flowing over the pavement
into the gutter
until there is nothing left,
except the truth.

Okay, the content of the poem is good - you just need to work on the punctuation. The poem reads like a solid block at the moment if there were commas and full stops in there it would be easier to discern what is happening.

lies sealing the air from my lungs

I think that sealing is meant to be stealing.

and become the rain
little velvet dagger droplets
inside they hold a power

Shorter lines are good, but before this you had longer lines, so it distorts the rhythm a little. I think that the final line is good short, it adds emphasis. The other two lines would work better if they were longer.

I would penetrate every unseen corner
peirce the grime and rip it away
the masks shredded

This piece of lineation works nicely.

flowing over the pavement into the gutter
until there is nothing left
except the truth

Good ending, would work better with a full stop at the end
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i really like it. there are a couple of parts that are a little hard to understand, but just a couple. overall, it is really fantastic. it feels as though a huge story could be hidden behind those lines. wow. great job!

Thanks for the comments. I edited it and put some punctuation in it like you suggested.

Not bad for a first post - mine was undoubtedly worse than this.

I liked the concept but think you should work on structure and punctuation; I've just pointed out the simple things and haven;t gone into much detail, as it seems most points have been clarified and such.

Keep writing though ^^

Wow! For a first time poet, this is very good! Can't wait to see you improve...that will be astounding!

-Evang.

This isn't bad!

I think I'd want more, more meaning behind it, etc, but the way it was written I felt like I was falling--which is good.

Keep it up! Maybe read over it and look at your word choice, and try to make it as best as you possibly can.

I agree with what has been said and advised to you about punctuation and grammar. And I agree with Claudette about the falling sensation.

The thing I like most about this piece is the imagery.

Velvet dagger droplets
black clouds that hide the moon,
Flowing over the pavement into the gutter
penetrate every unseen corner,

These are great visuals. I love the words you've used in them too.

Keep writing! Develop your technical skills so they can complement your concepts and imagery.

I liked this.The first two lines were great, especially "pale house". You have some very interesting images here, such as "velvet dagger droplets slashing the thirsty ground", which was really interesting.
I think some of your tenses and the likes are a little off. Grammatically, some sentences aren't quite right. I'd try reading it aloud, so you can get a better sense of it. E.g. lines three to five don't really sound like a sentence in their own right, but that can be fixed with just a little tweak. If you're unsure, imagine walking into a room and saying just one of your sentences. If the people in your imagination are looking back at you and going "Huh?" you may need to rethink it. E.g, you could walk in and say the first two lines, and, while it may be a little random, it would make perfect sense. I'm sorry, I'm not being very coherent...
Overall, this flowed beautifully and your imagery was skillful and vivid. It needs a little tweaking and polishing, but was very enjoyable none the less, and amazing given that you're new at this. Hope this helps.