and i move through this masquerade

Twirling we fall into ribbons of midnight gold
my head spins but i twist and weave---

anonymity lies in the glittering obscurity of our faces
Our rippled reflections will tell us nothing.


who

am

i

who

are

you


it doesn't matter. they cannot care.

and with stolen kisses in lieu of drowning libations
we are intoxicated
and the cold winds travelling over the seas cannot feel us.

your red red lips know not the scars they touch---


we are anonymous. the world cannot find us here.

Very nice imagery throughout the whole poem.

Twirling we fall into ribbons of midnight gold

A very nice phrase, adds a lot to the poem. Nice piece of contrast with midnight and gold.

anonymity lies in the glittering obscurity of our faces
Our rippled reflections will tell us nothing.

Anonymity and obscurity work well together. Good intenal rhyme. "Rippled reflections", nice alliteration. Would rippling fit in better there?

who

am

i

who

are

you

It works but I think that just having the words "who am I" and "who are you" on two lines would work just as well.


and with stolen kisses in lieu of drowning libations
we are intoxicated
and the cold winds travelling over the seas cannot feel us.

Nice word choice. Intoxicated in italics is effective. Good ending - overall a very nice poem.

Mad made several good points.

Though, should not you capitalize 'I' the pronoun? And I do find the spacing for 'who am I and who are you' obscure.

Not to mention the slight lack of proper punctuation, aren't those questions? Although, you could just as well defend that by saying it was done on purpose, but either way: Poetry & Punctuation.

The poem its self is obscure, certainly floats between meaningless, and having a deeper meaning. I for one say that it sits right in the middle; I can only guess at what you were trying to create. I think it would be helped if punctuated a better, for example "Your red red lips" "Your red, red lips" and the several other lines that could have been done better.

What exactly are you trying to make us feel/show? I'm left bewildered at what I was supposed to feel from reading this...

Thanks for the reviews. :) As for the punctuation, I was sort of trying to channel E. E. Cummings---I don't usually leave out proper English in any of my works. :3; And as well for the 'who am i who are you' bit, the original spacing it had makes more sense, so that's just a technical problem, I guess.

For the poem itself, I was trying to relate the feeling of freedom when you know that no one knows who you are. A sense of feeling you get when no one can judge you from your past deeds because they don't know those deeds. More or less I had been playing with that idea and with 18th-century Venice in my mind.

Sorry for the confusion. Obviously you can't ever expect everyone else to think the same as you do. :D;

This was an enjoyable read. Most of it flowed very nicely and I liked the feeling that came with it. That said, there are very very few good Cummings imitations in the world, and sadly, this is not one of them. It's okay to play around with the formatting a little bit, but nothing so drastic as what we see here.

Love the last line.
Colleen

It was so beautiful! I love the imagery throughout the poem. The start was wonderful and so was the middle and end!
Oh! I want this poem!!!!!!!
There was punctuation stuff but don't ask me about that. (I am rubbish at that king of thing!)
A brilliant piece of descriptive writing!
Sorry I can't be more constructive!
Charlotte

i love the image it puts into my mind, just the right amount of discription!! i have no other constructive thing to say sorry

yes, the image was very good. it sticks. and i like the way you separated the 'who am i, who are you' thing. it was nice and added complexity to the poem.

and i was going to say how it reminded me of romeo and juliet, when they first met each other at the capulet party. and then you said that thing about venice, haha. :]

Thank you! And I see where you got the Romeo and Juliet thing from---I think it may have influenced the poem a bit, especially the masquerade. XD

Wow, this is really good. The imagery throughout was easy to work with and in my mind's eye, I could just see a ballroom full of people, masquerade style. It was beautifully structured and that helped along with the flow, but as pointed out before in many reviews; you need to capitalize your I's. This makes it semm less... sloppy to the reader and creates a good impression.

Good for a first piece! Keep it up.

WOW!

This was incredible. I loved this. Beautiful imagery, beautiful concept. Must be one of the best poems I've read on here.

I especially liked your lack of punctuation. It gives off a feeling of inofmrality, when the decriptions you use--"ribbons of midnight gold", "glittering obscuirty"--are so royal. It was original and enlightening, telling us a story through form and rhythm.

In the end, I was wowed by the flow and all the other elements, but so confused about what it was all about. I began to think about it, but I focused most on the "intoxicated" stanza, because I thought that had some kind of importance in the poem. Then I read the title, I saw masquerade, and I understood everything.

GREAT JOB!

Sorry for the late replies--I haven't had time to get on this summer.

Thank you so much! To GingerLizzy: the lack of punctuation was intentional. I admit though that with this piece the playing with punctuation was random and I didn't put too much analysis into it. ; And ha, I should put up more pieces, but I haven't the time.

To gadi: Yeah, the title and the piece explain each other. Without the title, even I wouldn't know what it was originally about months later. Thanks!