Immortal

Immortal

A walk down an empty street,
Or down a traffic covered freeway.
It makes no difference safe or not,
Death is not in my atmosphere.
I cannot feel pain,
Nor witness death first hand.
I cannot sweep away from life,
Nor taste my blood for which is bland.
I avow this problem to my people and others,
But not one understands my troubles.
Life dies around me,
As the sky turns in.
But I cannot sleep this time,
Not now. Not Then.

Edits:
added the word traffic to the second line


Evil

Too much hate and fury,
And too much death and sin.
Too many people causing small bits of chaos,
One day of which will spread.
Trying to stay away,
Staying with what is good.
Trying to help my will,
But at the same time getting farther away.
I will try to stay within the boundaries of light,
But even that is but a big fight.

I know this won't help you improve as a writer, but I really liked it.

It had apoint, and delievered the message the whole way through (except maybe the last lines)

Bravo!



Keep it up




-Brooke

Yeah what she said...im not very good at poetry but i love to read it, and i like yours alot. Especially for it being a first attempt....

A walk down an empty street,
Or down a covered freeway.

Works nicely to create a setting. The use of the word "Covered" doesn't seem quite right tho.

It makes no difference safe or not,
Death is not in my atmosphere.

I like the use of atmosphere, interesting combination of words.

I cannot sweep away from life,
Nor taste my blood for which is bland.

I think that there is a word missing in that second sentence.

Life dies around me,
As the sky turns in.
But I cannot sleep this time,
Not now. Not Then

Nice use of description, the life and sky is very good. "Not now. Not then" is also very effective.

Nice piece, at times the flow of the line is stunted but overall it's a very nice first piece.

thnx peeps! i'll have to write some more. i just think that the term and meaning of immortal can have many things to say about it, that's why i wrote about it. i'm happy you all liked it. i guess it means i'll have to keep writing!

~PEACE~

Nice job! This is very good for your first try. I like how you made being immortal like a curse. This poem definitely makes you think about what that would truly be like.
And your second poem is great as well, though as I suggestion I would change the last line. The second 'but' seems out of place and maybe changing 'big' for a different word would work better.
Amazing work!!!