March 30, 2007
(Sitting at the computer with the incentive to rid myself of what has been a thorn in my side far too long.
I want to tell you something quite personal. It is…about him.
Since the day my love betrayed me…the way things unraveled and blew up in my face like a secret mine that I didn’t seem to notice, I was extremely all out of things to say when he told me he was dating someone else, simply terrified and downright furious. I was filled with remorse as if I had lost a loved one, I was confused for the first time in my wretched life, and I was anything but sane. I was broken and torn apart like someone had taken a knife and cut it right into my chest. I could feel the pain. I had that lump in my throat and I feel it now.
The tears are welling up right now. Just give me a moment to pull myself together...Sigh.
As I was. This man that I had been in love with for years…is gone. He took my heart with him and all the love I had to offer and he put me to the side as if putting me back upon the shelf. The things I did didn’t matter. All the things I said didn’t mean anything to him and I wondered why I wasted my time upon him at all. I guess I just loved him so much.
Everyday, I go through mounds of questions of why I am the way that I am. Of why I can’t seem to feel for anyone, why I can’t fall in love…and it always ends up right back where it began. HIM.
Could it mean that I am simply not over him? Could it mean that I haven’t lost feelings for him? I want to fall out of love with him! I want to push him to the side like he did me. I want to be free…
A tear falls down my cheek and I shake my head, holding in the tears of the past that still linger. Chest tight, I inhale and hope writing this will quench the yearning and pain that still haunts me every now and then.
I was so in love with him the moment that I saw him. I did everything I could to let him know that I was in love with him. I wanted to give him the world. I drew him pictures of us. I wrote him songs that still exist today and might one day be playing on your radio. I thought about him every waking moment and I still do. I’m completely miserable! How did I let him get to me like this?
(Late last night, hanging out with him and my friends---before driving me home.)
I tried so hard not to look at him. He was still, as always, handsome and devilishly charming. He still had the power to take my breath away. I simply tried to be casual and---myself.
He was shooting pool at Dracula and I sat down as all my other friends joined in except me. I couldn’t exactly be myself. I was minding my own business as I spoke to my good friend about how the place was pretty deep about the whole Dracula scene, and then I heard him talking to me.
“Shouldn’t you like this place? You like vampires.” He said.
My heart dropped. He remembered clearly how I liked vampires. I couldn’t respond to him. I didn’t know how. We spent a lot of time when we were together, but considering that he’s with someone else now, changed everything. After I got over the fact that he constantly kept glancing my way, he finally decided to leave and I knew he was my ride home.
The moment we were the last ones in the car, I sat in the front and stared out the window.
“Look at the moon.” I said, trying to make conversation, “It’s beautiful.”
“Yeah. It’s alright.” He replied. It was just like him to respond so broadly. I missed it. I missed him.
Silenced walked into the moment and he tried to make polite conversation as well, but it all ended up in ruins. As soon as we made it to my house, I dreaded leaving so abruptly, but then he stopped me.
“My cell phone is ***-****.” He said, “What was your number?”
I told him and he placed it inside his phone. “Alright then. I’ll see you later.”
“Ok. Well, call me if ever you want to hang out. I’m free most of the time.”
He nodded and I shut the door. When I finally climbed into bed, the thought of kissing him came clear to me. So I let myself think that I kissed him goodnight, it’s over, but all that remained was a tormented soul and that raging desire to be back in his arms once again.
