A Free Verse Piece -

Just so you all know, I haven't written any free verse before so please be nice. Also I realise the rhythm is a little off, I will try and work on it.

Emotions Unbound

It stretched the length of life,
This cold and grey city,
With its stony walls of
Bolstered self importance.

The people moved, blind with horror,
Enraptured, they had been captured,
In this city of grim moments
And sad, unhappy memories.

Narcissism was the religion,
Anarchy the government,
Objects of worship, themselves,
Rules the rules of life.

Pet peeves were all consuming,
The hatred all controlling,
The momentary glimmers
Of sporadic joy, brief.

And within this city, rage and ineptitude ruled,
Inability made monsters out of men,
Men making other men dead
And the dead living amongst the living.

A self professed possession of ability,
Doesn’t make that ability any more real,
Than the presence of meaning in sadistic lives,
In this city, lack of ability was King.

The queen a tyrant called Ignorance,
With the prince and princesses
Of self loathing and lords,
Lords of lost love.

Mad,

I really really liked the line, "Enraptured, they had been captured," because of the (internal rhyme, I think it is called?) relation between enraptured and captured.

"Narcissism was the religion,
Anarchy the government,
Objects of worship, themselves,
Rules the rules of life."

This part I liked, up until the rules of life bit. I thought the first two lines were strong: they presented the situation as if there is not possible way to change it. About "rules of life", did you mean that the objects rule life's rules? I don't know what you would mean otherwise. If it's what I thought, you should change the first "rules" to "rule" because in a simpler sentence, you'd say "objects rule the rules".

I liked "professed profession" in the second to last paragraph, much for the same reason I gave above.

An awkward phrase was in the third to last stanza:

"Men making other men dead
And the dead living amongst the living."

because the word "living" was used in the same form within one line, making it seem a bit redundant. Try experimenting with the first use of "living"; it would be easier to change this one because living is modifying the word dead, rather than having to stand alone, as it does at the end of the line. A word like "coping" might be better?

Maybe I shouldn't tell you this.... but I laughed when I read in the second to last stanza,

"A self professed possession of ability,
Doesn't make that ability any more real"

but it was so true; just because you say you're good at something doesn't mean you really are. Don't take this bit the wrong way; I really did like it, and I think you worded it perfectly!

I liked the very last lines:

"Of self loathing and lords,
Lords of lost love."

because I thought they summed up the tone of the rest of the poem.

Overall, I liked this poem alot; You mention needing to work on rhyming. I think this piece can stand as is for rhyming if it had to, but another rhyme along the lines of "Enraptured, they had been captured" like previously would be supercool, I think, as long as you don't abuse the technique.


Hmmm, you've asked critiquers to be nice.... I hope I have been! let me know if you have any other questions, or if I've gotten something completely wrong, or anything at all. See you around,

-Amelia

I really enjoyed this. It was very descriptive and insightful. However, I think the fourth stanza was probably your weakest. It didn't seem to fit the calibur of the rest of the poem. I think it was the use of the term "pet peeve," which is indeed an official term, it just seemed to be a little informal compared to everything else. Perhaps you should reconsider that first line, and I'm sure it will improve the entire stanza and poem as awhole. Overall, like I said earlier, I enjoyed this..I am a huge fan of free verse, and I think you pulled it off nicely.

Thank you all for your feedback, I'll rewrite the piece using your suggestions. I'll probably repost it once I am done. That may not be for awhile though.

Thank you for your long review Amelia, you picked out some of what I thought were the best parts. I was rather happy with the "self professed possesion".

Thank you Chevy, I'll see what I can do to that "Pet peeves" section.

Thanks all
Mad