Fool's Duel: It comes around

You won’t make it through, it whispered warningly. Emily awoke with a shutter as her eyes zipped crazily around. She had locked the windows and doors so that it couldn’t come in, she must have dozed off while waiting.


Her fingers clung protectively to the dagger and she looked at the sliding glass door once more, staring hard and almost daring something to lash out…but nothing ever did. It was almost morning, maybe it decided to leave until the sun went down and all way safe. She waited for the scary being a few more minutes and then pushed herself from the scratchy carpet leaving the dagger behind.


Her own house! This thing was making her afraid to sleep in her own house. And of course, she wouldn’t give it a name. Something so vicious, face in an odd contorted pattern, and those teeth jagged and amorphous over one another. They folded and twisted and hung below an underdeveloped lip, yet its shadowed appearance called to her. She had to use all of her will power to stay inside. She had locked the doors for that reason specifically. She shivered and hugged her shoulders as she went to her drawer.


Her fingers danced around different colored tops and then chose a long sleeved black turtleneck. She had been wearing black since her sister died a year ago in mourning. She threw the shirt over her shoulders and stuffed her head through, not wanting to be blind for more than a few seconds. Another whisper filled her house. I’m still here darling.


She froze when she heard something creak above her. She didn’t want to move, her breath froze before her now coming out in thick puffs of smoke. Her arms were uncontrollably grazed with gooseflesh and her nose turned a hot shade of red. Her eyes quickly darted over her surroundings and then stopped at an unnatural shadow in the corner.


It slid along the wall where there was no light, darker than the shadows around it. It clawed holes through the silence and then set foot on the floor beckoning her to it.


“No.” She said whimpering. Her hand grasped behind her looking for something sharp and found nothing. She leaned against the wall.


Come. It pulled her to it, her feet stepped inches closer and then four steps back. She wouldn’t come; she couldn’t.


Suddenly a hot wave of air wrapped itself around her neck and she gasped for it to take her. She couldn’t take this anymore. It was too much. It wanted her, and she wasn't sure of her feeling any more.


Don’t give up so easily, fight me. It breathed, sending a tingle all the way down her spine. It hugged tighter around her neck, winding around it like a boa. She kicked and screamed her feet now dangling from the ground. Her breath became limited and her eyes foggy as if her head was stuck in a zip-lock bag. She could feel the veins pop in her forehead and she loved every second of it. She felt like she was parting from her body. Her only regret was that this torture was soon coming to an end. She would be out of air in less than thirty seconds.


It released her and she slumped to the ground. Only now did she feel the damage it had inflicted. Her hand struggled to rub her aching neck and she shivered all over. Her eyes were closing, or were they closed? She couldn’t think straight. What was her name? Where was she last? What had just happened?


She lifted her head after what felt like hours and looked around her. She wasn’t at home. Then where was she? Everything was dark, she could see nothing but black.


Hell. It answered her. Her insides melted and she reached out for that voice once more. She had fought it like it had asked, though she felt the urge to apologize. She wanted to soothe it the way it had soothed her, let it’s eyes see what her eyes saw.


Get up, come with me. She saw the figure appear, almost glowing in the black, shining against the other shadows. It reached to lift her chin to it and helped her up gently. It lifted her high and her legs lingered behind only following at the shadows strength.


Then they stopped and stood there. A blinding light flashed and burned her retinas terribly; she yelped out in pain. She couldn’t shut her eyes. Why couldn’t she shut her eyes!


It’s time for torture. She heard the words drum in her ears and her pain began to evaporate. Soon, it would soothe her again?


You killed. A pain shot through her stomach, messing with her insides and scrambling her thoughts. She gasped and clawed at her abdomen with her nails leaving red marks that trailed from her breasts to her hips. A burning sensation welled in her heart and chest and she tried to close her eyes to cry, tried to drop to her knees. Her body stayed suspended in the air, her eyes aching from the bright light. Why was it doing this to her! Vexation overwhelmed her when she found what this was about.


“I didn’t kill her! She drowned! I wouldn’t kill my sister!” She hated yelling at it, but it was torturing her so. She could feel nothing but hate right now!


You let her drown. It said simply. She wouldn’t admit it. She wouldn’t let her sister drowned. That couldn’t have been the way it happened… could it?


Her knees popped and she let out another scream. The images began to flash before her. Tears finally found their own way out through her wailing.


“No, leave me alone, what’s wrong with you Jenna?”


“I can’t swim. Ju… just let me hang on to you.” The little girls hands dug into the holds of Emily’s life jacket and Emily pried them from her. She pushed Jenna further out into the water.


“You’ll never learn how to swim if you stay on me, go away.” She turned her back and started walking towards shore until she heard a gush of air bubbles arise from the surface. She turned around quickly and saw small hands flailing in the air. They waved for help not being able to reach any and then sank below the surface. Emily stayed perfectly still. What would she tell her mother? Right when she lost hope the hands came back up. Jenna must have pushed her feet from the lake bottom to get back up to the top. The water was too deep for her.


Emily stood and contemplated if she should go out. Her sister could just be pulling her leg like she always did. She would look stupid if she went out to get her. She smirked and stayed put with her arms crossed over her chest. The hands went back down and… nothing. They never came back up again. Emily frowned and swam easily to where her sister was. She tried to dive under to see her but her life jacket would only allow her to go so far.


She stuck her face in and opened her eyes to meet Jenna’s. They stared frightened up at her soon to be consumed by the shadow that was lurking in the depths of the lake…
“You.” She gasped as the pain began to subside. Now she remembered, she had let her sister drowned, then the shadow had taken her. “I’m sorry, I never meant for it to happen!”


That is why I’ll give you a second chance. It sighed with what sounded like regret.


“Where will I go?” She whimpered. “Heaven? Back to my home?” It never answered her. The next thing she knew, everything was dark again.

_____________________________


Emily yawned and stretched her arms above her head, rubbing her eyes soothingly at the horrible dream she had just had. She swung her legs to the side of her bed and then opened her eyes sleepily. Her yawn stopped abruptly and she looked around.


This wasn’t her room, this wasn’t her bed, this wasn’t her house. She was in a hospital, another bed with a sleeping black woman in a bed beside her. She looked at the bedside table and saw a coaster underneath what looked like a heavily medicated clear liquid. Her shaking hands moved the glass and lifted the coaster to her eyes. It read: Lungren Hall for the Criminally Institutionalized.


She grabbed for her heart and began to hyperventilate. This was her second chance? She was institutionalized! She pounded her thighs hard with her fists yelling rude things towards the shadow. How could he do this to her! A nurse came rushing through the bulletproof glass doors and pulled a sharp needle and syringe from her bag. She put the two together and then squirted some of the sedative from the tip. Several doctors piled in as well and tried to get her to turn around.


“You must turn around! This will make you feel better! You’re supposed to turn…”


“I know where a sedative goes!” She screamed. Didn’t they understand that she didn’t belong here? Didn’t they realize how she had just… arrived?


They finally gave up patience with her and flipped her onto her stomach. She could feel a gust of air as they lifted her gown and stabbed the sedative into her cheek.


“I don’t belong here…” She murmured. Her eyes began to close and drool lopped from her mouth and onto the crisp hospital pillows. She heard a thick laugh from the bed beside her and realized the black woman had awoken. She wanted to tell her to shut up, to stop laughing at her, but her mind was slowing and her eyes closing.


“Don’t go makin’ the shadow think you’re disappointed.” She scolded. Emily didn’t get a chance to ask her any questions. Her eyes finally closed.

Very good job!, Nice character developement, imagery, plot devices etc, etc. This is my favorite piece of yours I have read, very nicely done! But, even though the story was excelent, there still are a few things i'd like to point out:

anamorphous over one another

awkward phrasing, no spaces between “one another,” “anmorphous?” Do you mean: “an amorphous” or “amorphous”

That had been why she locked the doors in the first place.

This could be phrased better, to better its flow when read aloud, but it could be kept the way it is too, its your preference.

She had been wearing black since her sister died a year ago in mourning

.

What does “in mourning” have to do with her sisters death? Did her sister die while she was mourning, if so mourning what? Or did her sister die in the “morning?”


A few sentences could use some minor punctuation to make things a bit clearer

It hugged itself tighter around her neck

This phrase doesn’t necessarily need “itself” to make it make sense

Her breath became limited and her eyes foggy like her head was stuck in a zip-lock bag.

Try instead: “…as if her head was stuck in a zip-lock bag.”

vanes

veins

She would be out of air in less than thirty seconds, her legs would twitch by themselves.

“…her legs would twitch by themselves.” —Seems a bit unnecessary.

A blinding light flashed and burned her retinas terribly and she yelped out in pain.

Run-on sentence! Tsk, tsk, tsk!

Overall this story was very well written...what happens next!?

I shall await your next installment!

Keep up the good work!

~Bard

This was very interesting. Chilling, but fascinating. Good description; fast-paced during action sequences which is excellent. For the most part, good word choice. I like the way you made the transition into the second part where Emily is first mentioned. This is very good, but there were a few things I noticed about it, so I'm going to be nitpicky if you don't mind.

First, though, some character impressions and comments on the flow of the story.

So, Sandra is Emily, am I correct, except in a different stage/place of life? I'm just making sure I understand that. Sandra seems torn between fear of the shadow and anticipation of its torture, which makes the story all the more interesting. As for flow, I thought this flowed very well; the flashback makes it easy to understand and a delight to read.
Now, for the nitpicky.

(comments)
[insert]

You won't make it through, it whispered warningly. (warningly is a very awkward adverb, and I feel the the intense warning in the whispering voice could be described more vividly.) Sandra awoke with a shutter (I think you mean shudder. shutter = thing outside window.) as her eyes zipped crazily around. She had locked the windows and doors so that it couldn't come in,(with a comma, this is a run-on... semicolon here?) she must have dozed off while waiting.


Her fingers clung protectively to the dagger[,] and she looked at the sliding glass door once more, staring hard and almost daring something to lash out…but nothing ever did. It was almost morning,(again, a run-on. You can't use commas to separate two complete sentence without a conjunction) maybe it decided to leave until the sun went down and all way (was?) safe. She waited for the scary (word choice?) being a few more minutes and then pushed herself from the scratchy carpet[,] leaving the dagger behind.


Her own house! This thing was making her afraid to sleep in her own house. And[,] of course, she wouldn't give it a name. Something so vicious, it's (I think this phrase would flow better without the 'it's') face in an odd contorted pattern (I knowI'm being nitpicky here, but I think giving the face the action instead of putting it in the actions would have more impact, like if you phrased it 'face contorted in an odd pattern'), and those teeth jagged and anamorphous over one another. They folded and twisted and hung below an underdeveloped lip (great description!), and (I think you could can omit the 'and' here) yet its shadowed appearance called to her. She had to use all of her will power to stay inside. That (what is 'that'? the creature? I'm a bit confused by that part.) had been why she locked the doors in the first place. She shivered and hugged her shoulders as she went to her drawer.


Her fingers danced around different colored tops and then chose a long sleeved black turtleneck. She had been wearing black since her sister died a year ago in mourning. (I didn't see a problem with 'in mourning' here)She threw the shirt over her shoulders and stuffed her head through, not wanting to be blind for more than a few seconds. Another whisper filled her house. I'm still here[,] darling. (Creepy!)


She froze as a creaking sound broke (word choice?)overhead. She didn't want to move, (run-on again) her breath froze before her now [,]coming out in thick puffs of smoke. Her arms were uncontrollably (uncontrollably grazed? sounds a little strange to me, but it's up to you.) grazed with gooseflesh[,] and her nose turned a hot shade of red. Her eyes quickly darted over her surroundings and then stopped at an unnatural shadow in the corner.


It slid along the wall where there was no light, darker than the shadows around it. It clawed holes through the silence and then set foot on the floor[,] beckoning her to it.


"No." She said [,]whimpering. Her hand danced (this is the second time you've used dance; I know fingers danced was a while ago, but it bugged me.) behind her [,]looking for something sharp but found nothing. (you change tense in 'but found nothng'. Perhaps 'and finding nothing'?) She leaned against the wall.


Come. It pulled her to it, (run-on) her feet stepped inches closer and then four steps back. She would't come, (run-on again; semicolon would be nice here) she couldn't.


Suddenly a hot wave of air wrapped itself around her neck[,] and she gasped for it to take her. She couldn't take (you said take in the last sentence; sounds a bit repetitive) this anymore. It was too much. It wanted her, and she wanted it to have her. (so she wanted it to have her? interesting...)

Don't give up so easily,(run-on) fight me. It breathed, sending a tingle all the way down her spine. It hugged itself tighter around her neck, winding around it like a boa. She kicked and screamed[,] her feet now dangling from (above might work better than from here) the ground. Her breath became limited and her eyes foggy like her head was stuck in a zip-lock bag. She could feel the vanes (veins) pop in her forehead[,] and she loved every second of it. She felt like she was parting from her body. Her only regret was that this torture was soon coming to an end. She would be out of air in less than thirty seconds, (run-on) her legs would twitch by themselves.


It released her [,]and she slumped to the ground. Only now did she feel the damage it had inflicted, (run-on) her hand struggled to rub her aching neck[,] and she shivered all over. Her eyes were closing, or were they closed? She couldn't think straight. What was her name, where was she last, what had just happened? (you need more than a comma between the questions. Having them be separate questions might be easiest.)

She lifted her head after what felt like hours and looked around her. She wasn't at home,(new sentence here) then where was she? Everything was dark,('nother run-on) she could see nothing but black.


Hell. It answered her. Her insides melted [,]and she reached out for that voice once more. She had fought it like it had asked, though she felt the urge to apologize. She wanted to soothe it the way it had soothed her, let it's eyes see what her eyes saw. (nice)


Get up, come with me. She saw the figure appear, almost glowing in the black, shining against the other shadows. It reached to lift her chin to it and helped her up gently. It lifted her high [,]and her legs lingered behind only following at the shadow[']s strength.


Then they stopped and stood there. A blinding light flashed and burned her retinas terribly and she yelped out in pain. (I agree this has a little too many 'ands') She couldn't shut her eyes, (new sentence for question) why couldn't she shut her eyes!


It's time for torture. She heard the words drum in her ears[,] and her pain began to evaporate. Soon, it would soothe her again?


You killed. A pain shot through her stomach, messing with her insides and scrambling her thoughts. She gasped and clawed at her abdomen with her nails leaving red marks that trailed from her breasts to her hips. A burning sensation welled in her heart and chest[,] and she tried to close her eyes to cry, tried to drop to her knees. Her body stayed suspended in the air, her eyes aching from the bright light. Why was it doing this to her![?] Vexation overwhelmed her when she found what this was about.


"I didn't kill her! She drowned! I wouldn't kill my sister!" She hated yelling at it, but it was torturing her so. She could feel nothing but hate right now!


You let her drowned (no past tense). It said simply. She wouldn't admit it. She wouldn't let her sister drowned. That couldn't have been the way it happened… could it?


Her knees popped[,] and she let out another scream,(run-on) the images began to flash before her. Tears finally found their own way out through her wailing.


"No, leave me alone, what’s wrong with you Jenna?”


“I can’t swim. Ju… just let me hang on to you.” The little girls['s] hands dug into the holds of Emily’s life jacket and Emily pried them from her. She pushed Jenna further out into the water.


“You’ll never learn how to swim if you stay on me, go away.” She turned her back and started walking towards shore until she heard a gush of air bubbles arise from the surface. She turned around quickly and saw small hands flailing in the air. They waved for help not being able to reach any and then sank below the surface. Emily stayed perfectly still. What would she tell her mother? Right when she lost hope[,] the hands came back up, (run-on)Jenna must have pushed her feet from the lake bottom to get back up to the top. The water was too deep for her.


Emily stood and contemplated if she should go out. Her sister could just be pulling her leg like she always did. She would look stupid if she went out to get her. She smirked and stayed put with her arms crossed over her chest. The hands went back down and… nothing. They never came back up again. Emily frowned and swam easily to where her sister was. She tried to dive under to see her but her life jacket would only allow her to go so far.


She stuck her face in and opened her eyes to meet Jenna’s. They stared frightened up at her[,] soon to be consumed by the shadow that was lurking in the depths of the lake…
“You.” She gasped as the pain began to subside. Now she remembered, she had let her sister drowned, then the shadow had taken her. “I’m sorry, I never meant for it to happen!”


That is why I’ll give you a second chance. It sighed with what sounded like regret.


“Where will I go?” She whimpered. “Heaven? Back to my home?” It never answered her. The next thing she knew, everything was dark again.

_____________________________


Emily yawned and stretched her arms above her head, rubbing her eyes viciously (word choice?) at the horrible dream she had just had. She swung her legs to the side of her bed and then opened her eyes sleepily. Her yawn stopped abruptly [,]and she looked around.


This wasn’t her room, this wasn’t her bed, this wasn’t her house. She was in a hospital, another bed with a sleeping black woman at the side of her.(at the side of her? beside her might flow better) She looked at the bedside table and saw a coaster underneath what looked like a heavily medicated clear liquid. Her shaking hands moved the glass and lifted the coaster to her eyes. It read: Lungren Hall for the Criminally Institutionalized.


She grabbed for her heart and began to hyperventilate. This was her second chance? She was institutionalized! She pounded her thighs hard with her fists[,] yelling rude things towards the shadow. How could he do this to her![?] A nurse came rushing through the bulletproof glass doors and pulled a sharp needle and syringe from her bag. She put the too(should be two) together and then squirted some of the sedative from the tip. Several doctors piled in as well and tried to get her to turn around.


“You must turn around! This will make you feel better! You’re supposed to turn…”


“I know where a sedative goes!” She screamed. Didn’t they understand that she didn’t belong here? Didn’t they realize how she had just… arrived?


They finally gave up patience with her and flipped her onto her stomach. She could feel a gust of air as they lifted her gown and stabbed the sedative into her cheek.


“I don’t belong here…” She murmured. Her eyes began to close[,] and drool lopped from her mouth and onto the crisp hospital pillows. She heard a thick laugh from the bed beside her and realized the black woman had awoken. She wanted to tell her to shut up, to stop laughing at her, but her mind was slowing and her eyes closing.


“Don’t go makin’ the shadow think you’re disappointed.” She scolded. Emily didn’t get a chance to ask her any questions. Her eyes finally closed.

Wow, that was chilling. If you haven't noticed, I am being very nitpicky. This is quite good. As for some of the comments I inserted, (word choice?) means that I'm questioning the word choice of the word before. And I put (run-on) between the two sides of the sentence that make it a run-on... though I stopped commenting on that near the end. I think I gave you enough examples you can catch the rest. So, some general things to look over when reading this:

Commas. Whenever you have a clause like 'eating the soup', it must be separated by comma from the rest of the sentence. For instance, 'he laughed eating his soup in peace' is not correct. Should be 'he laughed, eating his soup in peace'

Run-ons. Commas do not, however, separate two complete sentences without a conjunction. You need a conjunction, semi-colon or period (questions mark etc.) to separate two complete sentences.

This applies to most all stories, but when you go over this, be sure to watch your word choice. If you aren't sure, look it up in the dictionary. For the most part, your word choice was fine, but there were a few spots it didn't sound right.

Lastly, watch adverbs. This wasn't a major problem in this piece, but as you read this, make sure all your adverbs fit and don't sound awkward.

A proofread searching for all these things should benefit you greatly.

Despite my criticism, I really did enjoy this. It was chilling and your character was very well portrayed; I thought it was fascinating that she enjoyed the shadow's torture. I'm beng nitpicky with this because it's for a contest, and I want it to be at its best. Good luck with it!

Good stuff. Nicely done and please keep writing. If you have any questions, please PM me.