Young Writers Society


ShadowWalker

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I decided ot rewrite ym ShadowWalker. So please read and tell me what you think.

This is the Story of John Vasilius Draconius.

“Surrender!” The magically enhanced voice could be heard by all.

A dark figure stood facing the front gates of Alu’en, the fortress of Venar, his black robes whipping around him in the wind, his face hidden deep inside the cowl of his cloak.

On the castle walls stood three hundred men at arms, wearing the black and grey livery of the Duke of Venar.

“Leave these lands before we send you to the halls of the dead.”

“You are one man, you cannot take this castle alone, no matter how powerful you are.” shouted a man from above the gate.

This was followed by more taunts, which abruptly ended when a man, wearing heavy armour stepped out onto the battlements.

“Why have you come here to our lands?” he shouted, a voice used to giving orders.

“I have come to reclaim the lands of a once great people. All I want is for you and your men to leave. Go home to your cities. Once I have my ancestral lands I will be of no more trouble to you or your King.” The lie came easily; it was too early for his true reasons to be known.

“Your lands,” the Duke scoffed, “these lands were ruled by savages, uncivilised barbarians. But look now the people thrive.”

“No, I will not give up these lands that my King so graciously bestowed upon me and my family,” his voice turning hard, “I warn you magician, I tire of this banter.“

“I will ask you one more time, leave my lands,” said the dark figure, his voice still carrying to every ear.

“Your lands!” roared the Duke, “Who are you to claim these lands?”

“Who am I,” his voice had gone cold, sending a child down the spin of every man on the walls, “I am John Vasilius Draconius and by the setting of the sun this night, I will have these lands.”

“These are my lands and you alone cannot take them!” roared the Duke in reply,

“WRONG!” yelled John, his voice, so filled with magic it shook the very walls of the castle.

The air began to shimmer around John as he drew on his magic, the deep reservoir of power inside him bursting open its floor gates.

Drawing on his magic, John raised his hand, palm out. Without even the groan of wood the gates were shattered, blowing inwards. The cries of men on the walls went up, orders were passed and arrows were notched.

Walking toward the gate John heard someone shout, “Fire”. Raising his hand, faster then the eye could see, a small wave of shimmering air echoed out.

Arrows, fired from the battlements, whizzed by his head, striking only the ground, hundreds were loosed from there bows, turning the afternoon to dusk, John was surrounded by a barrier of wood and feather.

When the arrows stopped the men atop the walls could see the circle of ground around the magician was clear of any arrows. A field of feathers circled him.

With another wave of his hand cleared a path through the hedge of arrows, orders to load the catapults could be heard. John was close enough to the walls to see the worry written on the faces of the men manning the walls.

The sharp twang of the catapults was the only warning John had, or needed, again his hand appeared raised, waiting. Hundreds of rocks about the size of a mans head rained down around the magician. All those falling toward him slowed, until they floated in the air above his head.

Waving his hand to the side, as if shoeing a fly, he sent them tumbling across the flat grassy land around the castle.

“You cannot beat me,” he told them again.

“Your power will drain and when it does I will show you the hospitality of our dungeons and headman’s block.”

John stepping into the arch of the gate, on the other side he saw the courtyard, standing in the centre was a squad of men at arms. All brisling steal, shields locked together, with the emblem of Venar painted on them, the curled mountain lion.

From both sides of the gate spear shot out, jabbing at him, while burning oil poured through the roof of the gate house. The spears twisted to either side of his dark robes, while the oil flowed around him, washing across the hard soil.

The cries of officers could be heard, “Hold fast.”
In the shadows i walk, through the light of life.




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Not bad. I liked it well enough.

I'll start my critique in a general way; then come to the finer points. I had two major qualms.

Firstly - your characters strength. I understand that this is an introductory post, and too short to have any notable obstacles to overcome, but he was possessed of really a whole lot of power; especially staying all those catapaulted rocks. Turned me off a bit. I like it when characters have to work for their goals.

Secondly, magic. Nothing against magic. Just think you should avoid calling it magic, especially so much; if it was alluded to as an arcane power it would be more mysterious and, I think, suit the character better.

Skell wrote:“No, I will not give up these lands that my King so graciously bestowed upon me and my family,” his voice turning hard, “I warn you magician, I tire of this banter.“


People "tiring" of their opponents is a little overused, might want to rephrase that.

Skell wrote:“Who am I,” his voice had gone cold, sending a child down the spin of every man on the walls, “I am John Vasilius Draconius and by the setting of the sun this night, I will have these lands.”


sending a chill down the spine*.

I liked this bit, reminds me of when Maximus reveals his identity in the movie Gladiator.

Calling the area "lands" gets a bit redundant.

Skell wrote:“WRONG!” yelled John, his voice, so filled with magic it shook the very walls of the castle.


I think there would be a better effect if he didn't say "WRONG," such as if he only kept silent or shook his head regretfully (for example). This would show that he is a man of action and doesn't need to throw words around.

Overall, pretty good. I'll read more about him if you post it.




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Lancrist pointed most of the errors out here. Like i said to you, reminded me of 300! I loved it, i loved reading it, it was exciting and i will try and keep up wioth it if you post more!
miyaviloves
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A dark figure stood facing the front gates of Alu’en, the fortress of Venar, his black robes whipping around him in the wind, his face hidden deep inside the cowl of his cloak.

- Suggestions: ‘A dark figure stood facing the front gates of Alu’en, the fortress of Venar, [s]his[/s] its black robes whipping around [s]him[/s] it in the wind, [s]his[/s] its face hidden deep inside the cowl of [s]his[/s] its cloak.’ When you say ‘dark figure’, it gives the impression of an object, rather than a person. Using ‘him’ and ‘his’ to describe this dark figure then feels rather odd. As a matter of personal preference, I think ‘it’ and ‘its’ feels more natural. Not to mention the sense of mystery it induces. Whether you use this is up to you. Though if you do, might I suggest you continue referring to the figure as ‘it’, until his name is revealed?


no matter how powerful you are.” shouted a man from above the gate.

- Correction: ‘no matter how powerful you are,” shouted a man from above the gate.’


“Your lands,” the Duke scoffed, “these lands were ruled by savages

- Corrections: ‘“Your lands,” the Duke scoffed.[b/] “[b]These lands were ruled by savages’


“No, I will not give up these lands that my King so graciously bestowed upon me and my family,” his voice turning hard, “I warn you magician, I tire of this banter.“

- Corrections and suggestion: “No, I will not give up these lands that my King so graciously bestowed upon me and my family.His voice [s]turning[/s] turned hard. “I warn you magician, I tire of this banter.“’


“Your lands!” roared the Duke, “Who are you to claim these lands?”

- Correction: ‘“Your lands!” roared the Duke. “Who are you to claim these lands?”’


“Who am I,” his voice had gone cold, sending a chill down the spin of every man on the walls, “I am John Vasilius Draconius and by the setting of the sun this night, I will have these lands.”

- Correction: ‘“Who am I?His voice had gone cold, sending a child down the spine of every man on the walls. “I am John Vasilius Draconius and by the setting of the sun this night, I will have these lands.”’


“These are my lands and you alone cannot take them!” roared the Duke in reply,

- Suggestion: ‘“These are my lands and you alone cannot take them!” roared the Duke. [s]in reply,[/s]’ We already know he’s replying.


The air began to shimmer around John as he drew on his magic, the deep reservoir of power inside him bursting open its floor gates.

Drawing on his magic, John raised his hand, palm out. Without even the groan of wood the gates were shattered, blowing inwards.


- You appear to have repeated yourself.


With another wave of his hand cleared a path through the hedge of arrows, orders to load the catapults could be heard.

- Suggestion/correction: ‘With another wave of his hand to clear[s]ed[/s] a path through the hedge of arrows, orders to load the catapults could be heard.’


Hundreds of rocks about the size of a mans head rained down around the magician.

- Suggestion: ‘Hundreds of rocks [s]about[/s] the size of a mans head rained down around the magician.’ This sounds more dramatic without the uncertainty surrounding ‘about’.



John is uber. ^_^
I wrote the above just for you.




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umm, as far as pointing out the bad goes, im good.
I thought this was really good!
will you posting any more?
i would like to read more about this character!

Keep it up!

~Tina
"Theoretically, if you go to the past in the future, then your future lies in the past. This is a picture of you in the future - in the past."

~Kate and Leopold




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It seems like there should be something before this. But it was a pretty cool story, the only problem I have is how one man is strong enough to take out a whole fort straight on.

If he's your main character I'd say you might have some power issues with him.



We think in generalities, but we live in details.
— Alfred North Whitehead