Beauty of her Body

Here is a revision of the poem I posted not too long ago. I hope I've taken in any and all of the suggestions that you offered. Comments always appreciated, for those who read the previous version please tell me if this new one works as well. I was a bit rushed writing it and I'm not sure it's all that great. Thanks

The beauty of her body,
Far surpasses the hatred in thine soul.

For her the indifferent earth would rage,
Its mountain ranges torn asunder,
For her the superior sky would rage,
Its lighting without thunder.

In the hollow of thine chest,
Lives the hatred of thine heart,
In the hollow of thine chest,
She lives, set far apart.

For her the mortal men will strive,
To more heroic deeds than before,
For her the greater Gods will strive,
To create things of beauty more.

You watch, anger in your eyes,
And see the sweetness of her smile.
That feeling of hatred dies,
As you see the sweetness of her smile.

In the hollow of thine chest,
Forgotten is the hatred of thine heart.
In the hollow of thine chest,
She no longer resides apart.

For her you’d battle grim Death,
With whatever courage you might call.
For her you’d battle grim Death,
Forever in luscious lady’s thrall.

For the love in her heart,
Far surpasses what love is left in yours.

Interesting.

I don't know how you do it. I struggle with that style of writing, with the old english phrasing. You do it very well! And the ideas are communicated clearly. I've never run into this kind of rhythm before, though.

Good job!

Goldie

Over all, improvement! *throws confetti*

But in some spots, I don't like it...

For her the indifferent earth would rage,
Its mountain ranges torn asunder, [should be a period]
For her the superior sky would rage,
Its lighting without thunder.

the last line feels like it should be "It's like lighting without thunder" I mean it worked as it is but just doesn't sound right.

In the hollow of thine chest,
Lives the hatred of thine heart,
In the hollow of thine chest,
She lives, set far apart.

all the lines are seven syllables, but the last is six, so you should fix that...

For her the mortal men will strive,
To more heroic deeds than before,
For her the greater Gods will strive,
To create things of beauty more.

another syllable thing; all the lines are eight, the second line is nine. Fix!

I liked the change in the very last verse.

I'm not sure whether I disliked this in the first draft, or not. But the line repetition, and the style of it, is crawling into my brain and creeping around. (odd metaphor?) It feels like it swells the poem up, bloats it even, and so bogs down the beauty of it. I liked the added action. But I think the poem would do well without the line repetition you keep up with. Of course, all but the couplets

And, since in some places you did have rhythm, perhaps you should consider giving each stanza rhythm? (Even if the rhythm per each stanza is different) If you did so, it would help it flow.

I liked it more, you did fix the action, but at the same time, I still want to pick it apart. It's so good, honest! certain parts (the repetition) I just want to stab and cross out...oh well. Good job! I look forward to more edits, and perhaps another rewrite?

PS: You shouldn't rush poetry give it time to settle in your head and mold beautifully.
PSS: Thanks for critiquing my poem! I've edited it now, if you wish to look again.

In the hollow of thine chest,
Forgotten is the hatred of thine heart.
In the hollow of thine chest,
She no longer resides apart.

^The last line seemed too short/cut off; maybe another or syllabal or two would help?

For her you’d battle grim Death,
With whatever courage you might call.
For her you’d battle grim Death,
Forever in luscious lady’s thrall.

^Similarly, the first and third lines here seem too short, like there should be another word somewhere between "battle" and the next line.

For the love in her heart,
Far surpasses what love is left in yours.

^I don't think you need a comma after the first line (unless you want a definite pause there, but that sounds rather unnatural). These lines sound nice, but there is such a rhythmic difference (6:10) that I just kept reading them over and over because they didn't sound quite right.

I looked, honestly I did, but I couldn't find much more to critique. Yes, this version is an improvement.

It was very well written but accurate use of language and poetic techniques but I feel that you use repetition just a little too often. Also, in addition to the above comments, I always feel that Earth needs a capital letter but I suppose that's up to you...

I agree with Kitty15, it is very well written.

The lag vibe almost reminds me of a Shakespeare sonnet without the sonnet form. Just the tone when your talking about her

I think we have a gift here. =O

Thanks everyone for your comments, they are much appreciated. I'll see what I can do to improve it. I'll definitely fix up the syllable differences so that it flows a bit better along with the punctuation/grammar stuff.

Thanks all.