Black Water

Will a gracious hand try to pluck me out
of death’s sea, only to find I have stopped
breathing too soon? Why didn’t you see me
drifting out? The current took my body
away. I now float upon my torture.

This part had less flow than the other stanza. When you say breathing to soon i think it should be earlier or something like that that flows better. Other than those it was good and did express the point very well.

No, the continuous metaphor wasn't too much. I like how the sentences/ideas didn't end at the end of the lines because that made it seem smoother to me. The only criticism I have is of comma usage, but I'm shaky on that subject, so I don't have exact advice. The phrase that stuck out for me was Will a gracious hand try to pluck me out of death's sea, only to find I have stopped breathing too soon?. Other than that, I can't find anything else to criticize, try as I might

-Amelia



EDIT: 9 September 2007: There are alot of "I" statements, followed by questions; I think that this made it harder to look at what the poem was saying. The phrase I italicized previously, I like. I don't know if I liked it then? But now, at this moment, I like the wording of it. ^_^

Brilliant. I really loved the last stanza, especially the last sentence.
I think, in the second line, I'd omit "in its waters", because...well, I'm not really sure why, maybe because you've said water(s) twice in the space of four lines. I'm not sure you really need it, as it becomes clear that you're in the water in the next line, if the reader hadn't already assumed this because of your being tangled in the net.
I also think I'd use a capital D for "death" do it's personified. I think it would be a nice touch.
Hope this helps.

[quote="Suzanne"]Black Water

I tangle myself in the net of life
while trying not to drown in its waters. Perfect
I tread waves weakly, tied down by anchors
made of memories: forgotten, or not. Actually, memories are like anchors-they fall in our mind(water) and they stay there...
I neither sink, nor swim, in black water. ...see next column...

Will a gracious hand try to pluck me out "....can't you try yourself?"
of death’s sea, only to find I have stopped
breathing too soon? Why didn’t you see me
drifting out? The current (strong, you are incapable to get out of it) took my body
away. I now float (slow, gently) upon my torture. What torture? You torture yourself? If I were you, I would try with: "I now float upon that torture" but it's good also if you leave it that way.
---
I like the contrasts(underlined ) and almost "synonyms" and comparisons (in italic).
There's something wrong(not wrong, but not pleasant to my ear) in last two columns.
Overall, it's good. Not great, but good. I don't know if you noticed, but you have many "I's" and in next "chapter" you ask for help...it gives an egoistic character to the poem.
Very strong, emotional, painful poem that surely belongs to one of best lyric poems by its theme and motives. It can be related with many famous writers' lives but also with many trivial human ones like yours and mine.

Alrighty, nitpicks! Let's see what we can do here, huh?

Suzanne wrote:Black Water

I tangle myself in the net of life
while trying not to drown in its waters. Good metaphor!
I tread waves weakly, tied down by anchors My friend says, "But she can't swim if she's tied up in a net!" Hah.
made of memories: forgotten, or not.
I neither sink, nor swim, in black water.

Will a gracious hand try to pluck me out
of death’s sea, only to find I have stopped
breathing too soon? Why didn’t you see me
drifting out? The current took my body
away. I now float upon my torture.
---

I'm not sure what I think of it. I hope it expresses well, and that the continuous metaphor wasn't too overused. All comments appreciated.

I like the extended metaphor, but it left me feeling empty. So your tortured and in pain. Where does that leave the reader? It made me sad and quite frankly, I'm never going near water again. My friend says that it feels like there is like a squid in the water, trying to pull you in. Supposedly the "black water" symbolizes the squid's ink?
Anyway, You have to give the reader hope! That's what we want! Otherwise, we'll feel that life just sucks, and we should all go and drown ourselves. It was semi-good, so just add a few stanzas to explain a bit more, okay?

Thank you guys so much for the reviews, but this is over a year old! If you'd like to review my poetry and help me out, try to find something a at least for 2008.


*locked*