A new world.

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We are hurtling through the universe,
on the star expressway,
moving a thousand light years a minute,
the world as we know it is a pile of nothingness,
history gone, humanity erased.
They are all gone,
we are the survivors,
we are the last of mankind from earth.
It's are own fault we blew ourselves up.
we are ones who caused all this pain...
Last edited by ConorR on Tue Mar 27, 2007 9:48 am, edited 1 time in total.
It's priest have a little priest




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I think this poem is quite good although it needs more information and description.
who is telling the story, where are they going, what is the star expressway?
The best line was "history gone, humanity erased"
MUCH better than your other work "fire" at least this one sort of made sense
Keep on writing
I would just like to point out that ConorR is my brother if you don't believe me ask him although he might deny it. But seriously we are related and i got him into this site.
I also like the line
We are the ones who caused all this pain.

farewell..
Last edited by Swottielottie on Tue Mar 27, 2007 7:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Some of it should be fixed up... You over used commas, to the max. Look at it as sentences, and punctuation it. (Poetry & Punctuation)

Some lines just didn't make sense to me, or should have been rewritten.

It's are own fault we blow ourselves up.
we are ones who caused all this pain..

It's are fault we blew ourselves up.
We are the ones who cause all of this pain [period, not ..., though it's effective to give a feeling, I don't really think it is needed]

It wasn't that bad of a poem, just not my kind of poem. I couldn't really get into it, there was nothing about the poem that made me have a reaction, feel an emotion, or think differently. I couldn't relate or connect, so it kind of lacked in that field. Maybe if you rewrote it, focusing more on the readers perception of the poem, it would work out better.

Nice, though.
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo



I understand what you're saying, and your comments are valuable, but I'm gonna ignore your advice.
— Roald Dahl