Scarlet Girl

The evening I wrote this poem it occured to me that I had not written a poem on this subject (broken hearted, angst-ridden, lonely etc) in some time. So I decided jut to write one, for old time sake. It remains one of my favourites, a poem that may be more accessible than the one I posted before.

Scarlet Girl

Scarlet Girl, when last did I write you and spill my soul in sanguine ink,
Blood of wrists and heart-scar lacerations, sanguinary scrawl of words and dead letters
Tethered to my hopes and lamentations, slashed by sharp serrated feathers;
I share and know you do not care to hear my searing screams that slits the void
With suppurating cists, clotting over on the brink of calcite tears,
Hardening lachrymal glands frozen and impenetrable, so I can cry no longer.
Scarlet Girl, I wonder how you formed within my idealising mind,
Ball of concepts and perfection, manifest in curves and shapely inflection
Where hips meet tits and blend around the waist with subtle bends and pouting lips.
Scarlet Girl, why do I dream of you and choose to dwell in this relentless Hell
Of my own construction? Where we walk and talk in whispered tones, shy and fleeting,
Catching one another’s gaze to turn away, our cheeks blushing, our hearts a-flushing
With warm feeling and newly realised meaning we could only find together.
I tell you all my secrets and desires, you alone know the tender act of kissing
As we cuddle and huddle together on the bed to feel each other’s heartbeat
Fills me with a nameless dread; to loose that moment and for fear of feeling heat
Escape your chest is sole enough to transform me into an empty, hopeless mess.
Scarlet Girl, why do your eyes glimmer with a glow that shimmers like the stars?
Why do they glare with a despising gaze that cuts me deeper than my living soul?
Covered by tissues breaking out with fissures, haemorrhaging blood and meaning
When slit by your feather touch upon my skin? Have I sinned and have my glances
So offended to be apprehended by your hate-filled stare, whimpering and alone?
I hope you will forgive me so: I am a dreamer and can do no harm,
But serve you and your non-existent charm.

Some of the imagery in this...no, all I think, was absolutely brilliant and creative in my opinion. However, I find the large words to be completely unnecessary as that does not technically give this poem or any more virtue than it would have without it. It's how you say it that matters, and sometimes you can say things better without sounding like you'd been sitting somewhere and plucking words out of a dictionary, ya know?? Of course that's just my opinion. Otherwise though, I liked this!

Nice, vivid, intense. Almost to the point of being overwhelming. I think the main problem with this is, as biancarayne pointed out, much of your word-choice bogs the poem down. Your imagery is good, but it is so overwhelming and your word-choice is so overdone that the parts that are supposed to be the most powerful just don't stand out.
Specifically the repetition of "sanguine" and "sanguinary" doesnt really work and I would also think about using stanzas to order your ideas and progression.
Having said that you do have some amazing imagery in here and it's clear to me you've got a rare command of words that I think you could use in a more effective way. You could also capitalise on your brilliant shining moments of humour & irony that come through in this piece

I really like your imagery, but somehow the words you use doesnt seem to work...
The lines are too long, so its very hard to notice the rhyming at the end. I like the whole emo thing going on too. Maybe if you could arrange them into stanzas it would have more impact. Emo-goth poems usually have those kinds of words but you didnt use them properly. Other than that, its perfect!!! And emo!!! Lol.

I really like your imagery, but somehow the words you use doesnt seem to work...
The lines are too long, so its very hard to notice the rhyming at the end. I like the whole emo thing going on too. Maybe if you could arrange them into stanzas it would have more impact. Emo-goth poems usually have those kinds of words but you didnt use them properly. Other than that, its perfect!!! And emo!!! Lol.

I like the internal rhyme of this piece, it seems to keep the rhythm going and gives it a rather sinister atmosphere. Very fitting. Also, your imagery is imaginative and vivd.

At first I thought of telling you to split the lines and put it in stanzas as several others have but I think that might take away from the raw emotion that this piece has. Maybe this one isn't supposed to be refined. It's dramatic and effective as it is so keep up the good work.

Your imagery and the concept are lovely, but the length of the lines kind of beats down any possible flow--shorten them, make your statements more concise, and try again. A good piece of advice offered by a published friend of mine: "When editing, pretend you're going to be paid $100 for every word you can completely eliminate."

Good luck. ^^

I like this piece - especially because some parts struck me as sort of darkly humorous (especially certain vocabulary in the ninth line). But maybe I am just a sick and twisted person.

As stated above, some of your word choice is rather interesting. I would definitely cut either "sanguine" or "sanguinary" - there are a lot of ways to describe blood or scarlet hues without using words with that root, so I'd try to switch it around a little if I were you.

Your internal rhyming is nice, but it's difficult for me to appreciate it because of the length of the lines. I think this would be nice as a... dare I say it... free verse poem. If you pulled out some of your bigger, heavier words and arranged it in an E.E. Cummings-esque manner, I think it would have even more of an impact due to its sort of... wandering, desperate nature. That's just me though. I'm not writing this poem, you are