Dorson's Girl

A cruel smile spread across her thin lips as she approached the wall and the thin, bloody heap. The heap was a young girl with blond hair wearing a yellow bikini, yellow sandals and a yellow sarong tied round her hips. A hand reached out and grabbed the girl by her throat. She was lifted up and her hands clawed at the air for breath. The hand around her throat let go and the girl dropped to the ground. She wobbled where she stood for a few moments but didn't fall. Something was circling her and suddenly a white hand with sharp red fingernail reached out and slashed her across the face. Blood trickled down the blond girls face and her eyes widened in horror and asolute terror when she spun round to face;

" Danchie!" Her voice barely a whisper. The samewhite hand that has scratched her now held her arms and the girl felt her hair being moved so that it was out of the way of her neck. Her breath came in quick, short gasps and she felt herself leaning to the side slightly. Two hot daggers punctured the skin on her neck and she screamed. The hot blood coming fron her neck was not falling onto the ground, it was being drank. The girls life force was being drank and there was nothing she could do about it. She fell to the ground, dead. A cloack swirled in the darkness beside the girls body and when the cloak settled a young woman appeared from it's depths. At first glance she looked so fragile, so petite and so harmless. Her pale white skin shone like the moon and her long, sleek, shiny black hair flowed down her back and resembled black flames more than black hair and her beautifal blue green eyes twinkled like the stars in the sk at night. She looked down at the body beside her and she smiled cruelly. As she looked up at the sky her features seemed to become horrifying beauty.

hey i am not very good at commenting on peoples work, but here goes.
You tell too much, you should let the reader see it for themselves. example. "The heap was a young girl with blond hair wearing a yellow bikini, yellow sandals and a yellow sarong tied round her hips"
there you are telling hte reader, instead of showing them.

"it was being drank. The girls life force was being drank" being drank is used twice. i think you should find another word. as i said, i am very bad at commenting. otherwise it was good, if a bit short.

First of all, what Skell said was right, you need to do more showing and less telling. (I feel a bit hypocritical saying that, I always tell instead of show )

She was lifted up and her hands clawed at the air for breath.

I know what your saying here but I dont think that "hands clawing at the air for breath" is the best choice of words. Wouldn't her hands be clawing at her assaliants hands? But it's not really that, the wordings a bit odd because she's clawing at the air for breath when to breathe she needs air. That may have been what you had been going for but it didn't read very well for me.

The end description of the vampire is very good, espcially the description of the hair,"resembled black flames".

Not bad at all...
The atmosphere is tense and dark, and the violence is suitably sickening. Your evil character is well written, a bit cliched perhaps, being a beautiful woman, but still very good. And the descriptions of pain and suffering are downright brilliant; I could feel the daggers as they hit the girl on the neck. Whether that's a good thing or not, I'm not sure, but it's the sign of good writing.
But some things were bad...
Unfortunately, the old criticism holds true: too much description. Some of it is good and effective, as I've said, but at times there was simply too much, and it effected the flow of the story. Also, there was no sense of place about the piece. You used images of night towards the end, yet the murdered girl was in a bikini and sandals etc. While not terrible, these details are confusing and efect the story negatively.

All in all though, I did enjoy this (particularly the sickening violence... oh, I'm an evil human being...).

"thin, bloody heap. The heap..." - You could just swap 'the heap' for it: "Thin bloody heap. It was..."
blond in line 2 should be blonde - something we got from the french, even in english that word has a male and female form.
You repeat the word yellow three times. There are better ways of doing that, have an admittedly bad example:
"She was dressed entirely in yellow, from her shoes to her bikini, and the sarong that was tied around her hips."
I find that the way you begin from Danchie's perspective, then shift immediatley to the girls point of view (A hand reached out and grabbed the girl) is slightly confusing.

"When she spun round to face; "Danchie" " - That trick is quite nice, but I think you should be using a dash, not a colon.
"Samewhite " = "same white"
"has scratched her" had scratched her.

"drank" = drunk

Try swapping "The girl" in the next sentence for "Her".

"Cloack" = cloak

"Girls" = girl's

"It's" =its

"Her pale white skin shone like the moon and her long, sleek, shiny black hair flowed down her back and resembled black flames more than black hair and her beautifal blue green eyes twinkled like the stars in the sk at night" - this needs restructuring, and you've spelt beautiful wrong. Try:

"Her pale white skin shone like the moon and her long, sleek shiny black hair flowed down her back, resembling black flames more than black hair. Her beautiful blue-green eyes twinkled like the stars in the sky at night"

Even restructured, that is really an infodump: You've stopped all the action to describe her.

The whole thing is quite short, and could be developed further - how does the girl know who she is? Who is the girl? What is their history? Think about those question and try to make it longer.

Please note that Chapter 1 is 5 years earlier and so on and so forth.




5 years earlier


“Are you sure this is a good idea?”

“Will you stop worrying Amelia! This will be funny. What could possibly go wrong?” Amelia thought about it and was about to answer her friend but was shushed. Her friend shut her eyes and screwed up her face trying to hear the sound of high heels hitting the concrete pavement. Amelia picked up a small twig next to her and jabbed her friend in the arm with it.

“ Ow. That was sore A.” Amelia dropped the twig.

“ Don’t call me A. You make me sound like the beginning of the alphabet.”

“ Come on Amelia.” Pleaded her friend.

“ No Amanda. Look. I don’t even want to do this. I just want to go home. So if it’s all right with you I am going to climb out of this hedge and do exactly that. If you want to jump out and scare Hannah then you can but I have a nice warm bed, television, chocolate fudge cake with cream, coke, popcorn, sweets and Nuttella calling to me.” She went to climb out of the hedge but was pulled back by Amanda.

“ Amanda what are you doing?” Amanda slapped Amelia across the face and her hand instantly flew to her cheek. Amelia looked at Amanda and thought that Amanda was gone. The Amanda Amelia knew was gone. Had went away on a trip to the zoo or somewhere and instead this Amanda looking person was glaring at Amelia. Amanda grabbed Amelia by the collar of her school cardigan and brought Amelia’s face close to hers.

“ Listen. You said that you were going to do this with me and you will not back out of it. You cannot back out of it. Your bed and TV and all of that can scream blue murder for all I care. You will not be leaving this hedge unless it is with me to show that Hannah witch that she has no place in the scheme of things here. That she doesn’t belong here and most importantly where she is. Right. Got it?” Hissed Amanda. Amelia nodded her head and Amanda let go of her cardigan collar. Amanda had a smile on her face again. Almost as if nothing had happened but Amelia knew that things were never going to be the same. She was right but she was thinking on a smaller scale.

“ I think I can hear heels.” Amelia’s voice shook slightly as she spoke. Amanda grinned at her as she peered through the hedge.

“ It’s her!” Amanda was very excited and her body language, eyes and voice showed that.

“ So. Remind me what I do?” Amelia spoke up. Amanda looked at her and Amelia thought for a moment Amanda was going to hit her or something like that again. Instead Amanda laughed and punched Amelia gently on the shoulder.

“ Silly. Right. You fall out of the hedge and talk to Hannah whilst I creep up behind her.” Amanda said this all hurriedly and shoved Amelia out of the hedge. Amelia fell onto the concrete path. She looked up into the friendly eyes of Hannah who helped her up.

“ Hi. What happened? Are you all right?”

“ Yeah. I tripped over and fell.”

“ In a hedge?”

“ Yeah.” Hannah seemed unconvinced.

“ What were you doing in the hedge in the first place?”

“ Spiders. I was looking for my spiders. Amanda came round to my house this morning and she told me at the end of the day that she had let my spiders loose. I searched every hedge and I thought I had Morlock but it wasn’t him. I kinda tripped over a stone. It’s difficult to explain. I was crouching down and shuffling along looking for the spiders and my foot tripped over a stone.” Amelia waited for a moment. Hoping and praying, silently, that Hannah would believe her.

“ I had spiders once before. My mum never liked them and made me put them into a pot. She took the pot and I never seen them again. I missed them terribly.”

“ Oh! Did she fill it up with water or put it on top of the stove or did she tip them into the blender?” Hannah looked startled for a moment and looked at Amelia closely expected her to be trying not to laugh but instead she saw genuine worry and upset in her eyes.

“ You really love your spiders don’t you?”

“ Yeah. People always think I’m weird when they find out about the spider loving.” Hannah laughed and Amelia looked at the hedge as Amanda gave her the thumbs up behind Hannah.

“ What’s wrong?” Hannah said immediately and suspiciously.

“ My mum hovered Herbert up 2 days ago.”

“ Oh. I’m so sorry. Did she do it deliberately or accidentally?” There was actually genuine remorse in her voice. Unlike Amanda when she had found out about Amelia’s spider Herbert. She had thought it was hilarious.

“ She deliberately hovered my room. Only I hover my room because no one else knows when the spiders are out except for me. They could easily be on the floor and get sucked up. Like Herbert. My mum feels really bad.”

“ Does she like spiders too?”

“ No. She’s petrified of them but she likes me, loves me and so she leaves the spiders alone. She feels really bad because I’ve had Herbert since I was 8. At least she didn’t get Diasy. Diasy was in my pocket at the time. I’ve had her since I was 5 years old.”

“That’s sweet. Won’t she by dying though?”

“Thank you very much for reminding me.” Amelia said coldly. She screwed her face up as she thought about Diasy dying.

“ I’m sorry.” Hannah smiled sadly at Amelia and Amelia smiled back. Then suddenly Amanda made the hand signal, which meant that Amelia had to do the most important part of the plan.

“ I’m really, really sorry. I didn’t want to do this. Amanda made me. I hope we can be friends after this.” Amelia shoved Hannah back before Hannah knew what was happening. She fell right into Amanda and Amanda kicked Hannah and started tugging her hair. Hannah clawed at Amanda’s hands on her hair and stared at Amelia with hatred and revenge in her eyes. Hannah muttered something and Amanda let go of Hannah’s hair and flew into the middle of the road. Her head landed hard on the concrete and cars screeched to a halt and worried people ran to her side. Hannah meanwhile had shot up from the ground and was hissing at Amelia. Amelia stood there, her whole body shaking in fright.

“ You are going to pay for what you just did with your life!” Screamed Hannah. Everyone on the road ignored her; they were too busy dealing with the girl on the road. Hannah screeched out something that Amelia could not understand. Even though Amelia could not understand what it was she knew that she was going to die.

“ LIVELIO!” Screamed Amelia. She did not know where the words came from but suddenly there was a burst of purple, pink light and Hannah was flung 6 feet away. The light engulfed Amelia and she heard, through the roaring of the light surrounding her, Hannah gasping and screaming. Pain shot through every part of Amelia’s body and she knew what dying felt like. The pain reached its limit and Amelia’s heart stopped, her eyes closed and her lungs stopped working. The light was like a bubble surrounding Amelia. She was dead. Then she suddenly cried out with hysterical laughter. Everyone had stopped to stare at the light bubble and the blood in their bodies ran like ice through their veins as they heard Amelia’s laugh. Hannah had fallen to her knees and was crying and smashing her fists against the concrete of the path. A bubble like film surrounded the purple, pink light and contained it. The bubble film encased Amelia within the light and there was no way she could get out even if she could try. The sun began to set and as day became night the bubble film exploded and the purple pink light was sucked into a centre point. The centre point was Amelia’s body and as the last of the light hurtled into Amelia’s body she opened her eyes. Hannah was kneeling, her head against the concrete path 9 feet away. As she looked up she shook her head and whispered the word no repeatedly. Everyone was looking at the girl that had been surrounded by the light. People had seen Amelia out of the corner of their eye. She had been wearing a blue and white chequered skirt and a blue cardigan with her school crest on it. Now however she was wearing a long, flowing black dress. Before her skin had been a healthy brown, now it was an unnatural white. Her pale limbs shone and her black hair had grown longer and now resembled black flames. Her face was beautiful and her eyes sparkled like the stars above her and her lips were of the deepest blood red. Nobody could move. Nobody could stop staring at the plain girl who had become a goddess. There was a presence about this woman, for woman she now was. A presence that made the air tingle with electricity and there was something else about her. There was something about her that made people want to run towards her and away from her at the same time. Their minds screamed to them in horror but their hearts screamed to them in wonder. People slowly began to walk towards Amelia. Hannah shrieked at everyone to run away but no one listened to her. They were like flies to a Venus flytrap and they were lost as soon as they approached her. They gathered round Amelia, encircling her so that she could not leave their presence. Amelia smiled a smile of such cruelness and viciousness that many people backed away from her. Before they could try to run away though she grabbed a little boy by the hand and lifted him up, by his hand and looked at him as she dangled him in the air. He looked at her and started to scream and wail. She brought the boy close to her and held him in her arms, she looked as if she was going to give him a hug and everyone sighed with happiness except for Hannah.

“ SHE’S GOING TO BITE HIM! SHE’S GOING TO BITE US ALL!” She screamed. No one listened to her and when the boy was being “hugged” by the woman they cried out in horror as they seen him writhe in her arms and seen her mouth on his neck. A drop of blood dribbled from her mouth and as she looked up from the boy’s neck at everyone around her they froze. They could not move. They wanted to run but they couldn’t, they wanted to scream and shout and shriek but they couldn’t and they wanted to defend themselves as she sucked the life force from them via the blood from there neck but they couldn’t. After 25 minutes the only person alive was Hannah. She stood up, tall, straight and proud and waited for Amelia to come to her. And come to her she did. She stood in front of Hannah and hissed.

“ I am so, so sorry. Amelia. If you can hear me I did not wish to condemn you to this.” Tears ran thick and fast down Hannah’s already tear stained face. There was silence for a moment and then Amelia spoke. Even her voice had changed. Before there was a sweetness and kindness to her well spoken English accent. Now there was only a horrifying luring beauty to a Romanian accent.

“ If you vere sorry then vhy did you do it? Vhy did you try and kill me?”

“ I was furious with you and I wanted my revenge. You would have died but you were a witch like myself and you spoke the words to save one’s life only your words collided with mine. My words were to kill you. Your words were to save you. They merged together and seeing as both the words were to do with you it was you who received the newly combined words. The words to kill you but let you live.”

“ Then I am a vampire?”

“ Yes.” Hannah nodded her head shamefully.

“ You vere the cause of this vitch! I had a life and you stole it from me and I tried to protect myself. To let myself live. The result? You still killed me yet I still lived. Now I shall do vhat you wanted to do to me.” Amelia lunged at Hannah so fast that she had no time to react and within a minute she was dead. Amelia let her body drop to the ground and wiped her mouth clean of blood. She stared at the bodies around her and with a rustling disappeared into the air.

“I’m getting worried about her Charles. She isn’t home from school yet. I rang Amanda’s and asked if she was there. Those two are inseparable and her mother said that she was just going to the hospital because there had been a fight or something and Amanda was flung into the middle of the road. What if she was there? The ambulance people got there and there was at the 26 people dead. A friend of Amelia’s from school, Hannah. She was dead too. They all had bite marks in there necks and there was no blood in there bodies yet there was no blood on the ground. I’m terrified. What if Amelia was there and the people who did that dragged her off? What if….” Charles gripped Madeline by her arms and shook her.

“ Madeline! Get a grip woman! Amelia will be fine. Stop worrying! I’m not worried and neither should you!” That was a huge lie. Charles WAS worried and he was deeply troubled. Bite marks in their necks and no blood in there bodies? No blood on the ground either? Yes, Charles was very worried about his daughter and extremely troubled. He had heard of murder cases similar to these throughout history. He let go of his wife and walked over to stand in front of the fireplace. She shut the lounge door behind her and busied herself in the kitchen. Charles picked up a glass of brandy and stared into the flames, taking an occasional sip. It couldn’t be possible, he thought. They didn’t actually exist, he thought. They were make-believe, like an old wives tale to scare the children. They were the perfect characters for a good horror story. Yet there was evidence here. Hard core evidence that they existed. If that was the case and one of them had killed all those people then they very well could have carried Amelia off. For a snack later on. Or, he gave an involuntary shudder, to make her one of their own.

“ Amelia.” He whispered quietly. He looked down at the carpet his feet were on and he smiled as he saw Amelia, a little girl looking at the flames in the fireplace with her daddy who was standing above her doing exactly what he was doing now. She lost interest in the flames and played with a little horse toy. The flames caught her eye again and she played with her horse half-heartedly, staring into the flames. Her wide eyes reflecting the orange and red fire. A door banged and his wife screamed out Amelia’s name but Charles didn’t hear it. He was trying the hardest he could not to cry. Charles had always been stern with his daughter but she was the most important thing in his life. He loved his daughter even more than he loved his wife. His love for Amelia was so strong that when he agnoledged it’s existence it felt like a knife being driven into his heart. His wife then screeched horribly but Charles couldn’t hear her. He didn’t even hear the thud of something heavy being dropped onto the ground. He did however hear the creaking of the hinges on the lounge door. He turned round, not knowing who to expect and when he seen his daughter, fully grown, a woman he dropped his glass of brandy. It smashed on the ground and the brandy began to soak into the carpet. Amelia shut the door behind her and walked round the lounge. She lifted up the family plate and examined it before laying it down again. She did the same with several family objects before approaching her father. She did not walk straight over to him. She walked over to him whilst dancing and swaying gently. She stopped and stood straight and tall in front of him.

“ Hello father.” She said quietly. She smiled and Charles gasped as he seen her teeth.

“ No.” He shook his head and was rooted to the spot with horror. He was paralysed and could do nothing to stop Amelia. He could do nothing at all. He was immobilized. Amelia struck lightening fast and a scream tore from Charles as his paralyses ended. Amelia held her father close to her as she drank from him. She squeezed him like one would squeeze an orange to get juice from it. That’s really all Amelia thought her father was. An orange. A big, juicy orange. When she had taken all that she could from him she dropped him unceremoniously to the ground and licked her lips, her tongue catching every droplet of blood around her mouth. The fire in the fireplace raged on as if nothing had happened and Amelia’s eye was caught by the flames and she stood in the same spot she had sat many years ago and stared at the flames, captivated by them as she had many year ago. Then it came to her. She had killed her parents. She dropped to her knees and howled a howl so horrible that it made people who heard it fall to the ground holding there ears and rolling about the floor kicking there feet.




5 years later



“ Chan Adie! Chan Adie!” A man wandered aimlessly about calling to the heavens. He was in a deserted and dark alleyway.

“ Chan Adie! Chan Adie!” The man called again. He carried on in this fashion for many minutes before a thin, long white finger scratched him on the side of the neck. He spun round and smiled at. Amelia.

“ Chan! I’ve been looking for you everywhere! Your not supposed to be out. You’re still ill. Look at you! You look as if you’re alive!” He said angrily. Amelia ignored him and licked his neck at the spot where she had scratched him. He stood there and tapped his foot lightly and closed his eyes as she licked his wound. She stopped licking his neck and kissed him on the lips. He started shaking slightly and wrapped his arms round Amelia and held her as close to him as he could. They stopped kissing and he bent his head so it was level with her neck and bit her. She gasped and lightly rose up and down on her toes. She held onto him as tight as she possibly could then he lifted her up and she clung onto him even tighter. His arms supported her legs and her head and he carried her away the way a man would carry his wife over the threshold of there house after there wedding. The man drew his mouth away from Amelia’s neck and kissed her again. They were so close that they looked as if they were merging into one being. There love made the air around them tingle and Amelia swung her cloak around them both and as she did so a strange wind swept through the alleyway and when the wind had died down the cloak fluttered for a moment without it’s owner and then disappeared into thin air.




“ Just to lighten the mood here but another one bites the dust.”

“ You just have to have a remark to do with music, film or books for everything don’t you Calvin?” Inspector Dooner looked at Calvin Saktal with annoyance. Calvin grinned uncertainly at him and Dooner rolled his eyes, sighed and walked away from Calvin to look at the body. Calvin joined him.

“ They always die young don’t they? If your going to bump someone off why not someone who’s over 60 years old? Has lived their life.” Dooner looked at Calvin again.

“ You are unbelievable Calvin. You know that. But I have to agree with you. Why do they always seem to be young?”

“ Ahhh. They SEEM to be young. What if they’ve had cosmetic surgery?” Dooner looked at Calvin again closely. His eyes narrowed.

“ Shut up Calvin.” He walked away from the body and Calvin followed him.

“WHAT! It’s a very good point!” Dooner didn’t even look at Calvin he just carried on walking.

“ Calvin. Do you know why you haven’t really got anywhere in life?” Asked Dooner. He stopped in front of his car and stepped inside.

“ Why?”

“Because your so stupid sometimes.” Said Dooner as he snapped the car door shut and speeded off leaving Calvin staring after the car.

“I CAN’T HELP IT IF I NEVER PASSED 7 OF MY 8 GCSE’S AND WASN’T AT SCHOOL EXCEPT FOR THE DAY OF THE EXAMS!” Called Calvin. He turned round and walked back to the body, muttering under his breath and savagely putting his hands in his trouser pockets.

“Just because you got the highest pass marks in all of your GCSE’s and O levels and was at school 100% of the time.”

WHOA! That was breathtaking. you should write more. A sequel or something. I would read a book like that for sure! Try to fix the spelling though.

“OK YOUSE TWO! BREAK UP THE LOVE AND ROMANCE! YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE THAT WHEN YOU WERE ALIWE!” A midget walked over to Amelia and the man she was with, clapping his hands. Amelia and her man stopped kissing and he let her down as the midget approached them. Amelia stood tall and proud and the midget opened his mouth to speak to Amelia and her man’s legs but looked up at Amelia’s face and into her eyes. He shut his mouth and scurried away.

“That’s better isn’t it darling?” Asked the man. Amelia smiled at him and as she did so she crumpled to the ground. The man caught her in his arms and lifted her up again.

“You are in no fit state to be doing anything Chan. You hear me?” The man looked severely at Amelia and she looked at him with eyes like a puppy. He sighed and smiled at her showing his bright, white teeth.

“ I hate it when you do that. You are coming with me and you are going to stay in your bed until I say otherwise. I’m going to make you better my sweet.” The man kissed Amelia again and walked away with her.



5 years earlier


Amelia stared at the passing cars and their owners looking out the cars windows to see her. She was rather noticeable, what with her Queen of Evil look. I could have at least worn some jeans and a top she thought. One cars headlight’s bathed her in a white glare and she hissed as she covered her eyes. The car stopped next to her. The driver opened the car door and stepped out onto the pavement.

“ Fancy a lift?” He asked. Amelia was still covering her eyes.

“Oh right.” Said the man. He quickly switched the cars lights off and stood in front of Amelia again.

“ That’s better. Sorry.” Amelia’s hands fell to her side and she straightened herself up and her eyes glittered as she looked at the man in front of her. He was wearing a black suit with a white bow tie. He was obviously going to, or coming back from, a party. He had short black hair and his features were slightly angelic. He was very, very handsome.

“ What’s your name?” He asked Amelia. Amelia glared at him for a few moments.

“ Chan Adie.” Amelia said quietly. Her mother was going to call her that but her father had thought Amelia fitted better. So Chan Adie became her middle name. Not anymore. She wasn’t Amelia Chan Adie Dorson anymore. That person had died and Chan Adie had been born.

“Hello Chan Adie.” Said the man, holding out his hand for her to shake. Amelia didn’t take it. The man’s hand dropped to his side and the smile on his face slipped slightly.

“ So. What is a young woman like yourself doing walking along said road all on your own at this time of night?”

“ Non of your business.” Said Amelia slowly, gritting her teeth.

“ Ok then. Do you want a lift to wherever you’re going or would you like to go accompany me to this party I’m going to?” The man smiled again.
“ If you want it then you can go find a prostitute.”

“ Oh. Is that? Is that what you think?” The man’s eyes held a questioning look about them.

“ Oh.” The man ran one hand through his hair.

“ You’ve got the wrong idea then. I’m just worried someone might try and hurt you. Being a good citizen.” The man was smiling again. Amelia looked deep into his eyes.

“ If you are going to a party then I shall accompany you. I am actually looking for someone at a party. They might be in the party you are going to.”

“ Then climb in.” Said the man holding his hand out for Amelia to take. She didn’t and stepped into the car. The man shut the door for her and ran round the other side of the car to hop into the drivers seat. He shut the door and smiled at her again. He started the car up and slid back into the stream of cars on the road.

“ Do you normally wear those type of clothes?” Asked the man.

“ No. I never would have before..” Amelia broke off.

“ Before what?” Amelia stared out of the cars windscreen and considered telling the man what had happened. He would take her to the mental hospital for sure. After all. Who would believe what happened? No one.

“ Before two of my friends died. One of them my best friend.”

“ Oh.” The man said quietly. His voice filled with remorse.

“ I’m ewer so sorry. Was it that thing on the news?”

“ What thing on the news?”

“ All of these people dead. All of them, except for a young girl in the road who had died in hospital due to head injuries, had two puncture marks in their necks. Like bites they said. No one knows who or what did it but everyone has been told to watch out and travel safely. Which was why I was worried about you getting hurt.”

“Oh.” Amelia looked down at her white hands and sharp red nails. Tears welled in her eyes and she began to cry.

“ Hey. What’s wrong?” Asked the man kindly. He had stopped the car in front of a graveyard.

“ Nothing.” Amelia’s voice a near whisper. She wiped her eyes with her hands. When all the tears had disappeared she looked at the graveyard and then the man.

“ Why are we in front of a graveyard?” She asked.

“ Because. There used to be a road that led to the house where the party is, running through this graveyard and if the road was still here then we could drive straight up to the house. But we’ll have to go through the graveyard.”

“ Isn’t were another way to the house?”

“ No.” The man opened the car door and stepped out of the car. Amelia did the same.

“ The only other way is blocked off by the Police. It’s where the thing on the news happened.” The man walked past Amelia and through the graveyards gates. Amelia hesitated for a moment before following the man. He was in front of her leading the way through the graveyard, weaving between the graves. A mist seeped through the graveyard and swallowed up the man. Amelia couldn’t see him anywhere and she stopped. She heard a noise behind her and turned to look who was behind her. It was the man. An evil grin was on his face and he was gazing hungrily at Amelia. He lunged for her and tackled her to the ground. He held her arms and pinned her onto the floor. He bent over her and he went for her neck.

“ Nobody touches me!” Amelia kicked her legs out and the man was flung off her and smacked, against a gravestone and then to the ground, 3 feet away. Amelia shot to her feet. The man ran at her and she punched him on the nose. Blood spurted from his nose and spattered onto Amelia’s face. Some of the blood landed on her lips and Amelia’s tongue licked the blood off her lips. Amelia’s body stiffened and she grabbed the man from the ground and lifted him up by his throat. His feet were just above the ground and he was looking at Amelia grinning.

“ Who do you think you are?”

“ I am Chan Adie. And I’m hungry. Know were the nearest KFC is?”

“ Two streets away.”

“ Oh dear. I can’t be bothered walking that far. I guess you’ll have to do.” Amelia let the man go and pounced on top of him when he fell to the ground.

“ STOP!” Shouted the man. Amelia let go of him and he stood up. She did the same.

“ Your not human are you?” He asked. There was no smile on his face.

“ Define human.”

“ Just answer the question!” Snapped the man.

“ Just keep your trap shut before I shut it for you!” Amelia said hotly. The man shut his mouth and looked at the ground beneath his feet. Amelia stood where she was and there was silence for a moment.

“ Is this party by any chance a party were I would be the food?” Asked Amelia.

“ Yes.” The man said quietly. Amelia’s hand shot out and grabbed the man’s arm. She walked forward with the man struggling to get out of her grip.

“ The more you struggle, the more likely it is that I break your arm.” Amelia spoke softy. The man immediately ceased struggling and let Amelia lead him to a mausoleum in the centre of the graveyard. The mist had cleared and Amelia barged straight into the mausoleum. There were men sitting all round a small fire in the centre of the floor. They all shot up with hungry smiles on their faces.

“ Sit down!” Amelia said sharply. The men looked at each other and one was about to say something then they saw whose arm Amelia was holding. They sat down.

“ That’s better. I believe this man,” Amelia let go of the man’s arm and he immediately began nursing it. “ Wanted to have me for your dinner. All I can say is. Have you guys heard of fast food and takeaway?” The men swapped looks with each other and one was about to say something but Amelia held her hand up to stop him.

vixeyt wrote:The heap was

It was

She was lifted up

Ack! Passivity! (Um, if passivity is an actual word and my spell check isn't just on drugs. You never know.) It lifted her up.

girl dropped to the ground. She wobbled where she stood

Dropping to the ground implies having fallen.

sharp red fingernail reached

fingernailS

out and slashed

Get rid of the "out".

her across the face

I don't like the "across the", but that is just me.

Blood trickled down the blond girls face and her eyes widened in horror and asolute terror when she spun round to face;

Ew. Stop calling her "the blond girl". First of all, I think it's supposed to have an e for a girl. Second, it bothers me.

"absolute", but you can do better.

she felt herself leaning to the side slightly.

Maybe YOU would notice.

Two hot daggers punctured the skin on her neck and she screamed.

Mmmm. Get rid of "the skin on". I think you can do a better metaphor than daggers.

Separate it into two sentences.

The hot blood coming fron her neck was not falling onto the ground, it was being drank.

"spewing" is better than "coming". And "drunk", not "drank". Again, "he was drinking it" would be better.

The girls life force was being drank

I want you to say "it was being drank" out loud. You can't think that's right, can you?

and there was nothing she could do about it.

Get rid of this.

A cloack

"cloak"

girls

"girl's"

[quotes]body and when the cloak settled a young woman [/quote]

Oops. OK, so every time I said "he", I meant "it", assuming you meant to trick me.

appeared from it's depths.

Change this. To something.

At first glance

Get rid of this. Make "she" the first word in the sentence.

Her pale white skin shone like the moon

You're starting to make me think you can't do better than that. C'mon. Shown like the moon?

and her long, sleek, shiny black hair flowed down her back and resembled black flames more than black hair

This is so clunky. Fix, fix, fix. It resembling anything is not good enough.

beautifal

A few mistakes is one thing. Run the effin spell check next time.

blue green eyes twinkled like the stars in the sk at night.

That is the sound of me puking.

her features seemed to become horrifying beauty.

OK, read that.

Did you read this over at all?

Seriously, WTF? "sk"? "baeutiful"? "it was drank?"

grrrrrrrrrrr.

I'm gonna do a few breathing exercises now.

****

Your comparisons were bad. Your spelling mistakes atrocious. But the story was good. The writing was good.

Just remember that happy little button. It's nicely labeled.