Weather Begins Conversations

The rain falls and darkness comes
Absorbed in the ground
The air is heavy with want of the fresh summer evening
To chase away the heavy sorrows winter brings
......And leaves behind
And it's still raining.

The wind screams through the trees
Like a child emptying its lungs
and The rain still falls
and It
drips through the pipes, nails itself
to the roof
and
Rips the road to a stream of clay and dirt
Faster(and)Faster
and Faster still, it falls through
the leaves in the trees hi.t.t.ing

.......Each

...And

Ev e ry

O n e

before falling to the ground

and
hereiam
SHOUTING
to
.....the
............world
as the plates of earth's ceiling collide in petty conflict
as the sky explodes in brilliant light








Viola! Tear it apart. Please.

It was all very good up until that second last stanza. That one made me laugh.

The wind screams through the trees
Like a child emptying their lungs

That was a nice simile, it creates a very visual image. I also like the rhythm of the poem. It's uneven and the lines go from long to short, but that just reminds me or rain. Pouring, Drizzling, Pouring, Drizzling.... you get my point

and
i.cant.see.nada.in.front.of.me.
andthegroundisntthereanymore
andhereiamSHOUTINGandSCREAMING
in the world

Up until here the poem was much more serious. It gets difficult to read and I'm still not sure if I was reading it right but it was funny, so I liked it.

I love to dance barefoot in the rain.

I love the rain so for me that was a nice ending, if slightly random.

I think that it was an entertaining poem. If your going more for deep meaning then I'd cut out that last bit. I prefer it the way it is though.

Nice work

I know you found the last part humerous, Mad, but you were right; it didn't really work with the rest of the poem.

I agree that the part at the end with no spaces is just pointless and doesn't fit in with the rest of the poem. I also think there is some random capitalization, like here:

and The rain still falls
and It

"The" and "It" are best left lowercase.

To chase away the heavy sorrows winter brings
......And leaves behind
And it never stops raining.

This is kind of awkward. I would cut out the ellipsis and reword the line as "the heavy sorrows that winter leaves behind."

Also, I think "but" or "yet" might make a better transition word than "and".

The middle of the poem was the best. It had some really good imagery. Keep writing!

[s]Okey doke. The effect I was going for was something like when it rains, the rain will melt the snow on the ground (the ellipses were because the post wouldn't let me [tab]), then it starts raining more and more outside, until you really just can't stay inside. you just CANT. It's against the rules of spring rainstroms, I believe. so you go outside and at first are just happy that it's raining, and warm enough to be outside, then you get really excited that it's warm enough to be outside, until you're dancing, and spinning, and twirling and the world around you spins. And then you stop. And remember where you are, and telling the story you're so excited that like a little kid, you keep using the word "and". And yes, Mad, it is very random. [/s]


EDIT 8-28-07: Sorry for being a newb

And yes I must agree Amelia But random is good!

yes, i have to agree with mad, on that the last line was a bit random...but random isn't bad it leaks out a smile to the reader. the poem all together was a little hard to understand but your similes worked in the visualization. also i loveee what you did with the second half of the poem...it reminded me of my favorite poet e.e. cummings so it worked for me =)

xjess

*sigh* I do like that last line... but I'm looking at it again, and after all everyone has said... I think I am going to delete it.

Thanks for your comments, everyone!