The Night

>This poem is a revised version of an earlier one. I've included the original as well, so could you please tell me which you think is better?

The night whispers softly through the trees.
Its desperate longing can be heard in the breeze.
The stars pale to tiny pricks of light
beside the far off city, shining bright.
The ocean's salty fragrance fills the air
accompanied by the scent of flowers fair.
Sleep hangs heavy around the town
and I can taste the rain that's about to fall down.
There is mystery and excitement everywhere;
the wind is tugging at my hair,
calling me to come out into the night
and in its many wonders take every delight.

Original Version:

Can you hear the whisper of the night upon the trees?
Can you hear the longing stirring in the breeze?
Can you see the stars –the tiny pricks of light?
Can you see the city, shining out so bright?
Can you smell the sea carried in on the air?
Can you smell the thousand flowers fair?
Can you taste the sleep heavy round the town?
Can you taste the raindrops before they’re coming down?
Can you feel the mystery that’s everywhere?
Can you feel the wind tugging at your hair?

Yeah, the revised version is better. I think this is a very good poem. One or two lines didn't run quite right; there were different numbers of syllables in some lines, but I really like the ending!

bkwrm wrote:Sleep hangs heavy around the town
and I can taste the rain that's about to fall down.
There is mystery and excitement everywhere;
the wind is tugging at my hair,
calling me to come out into the night
and in its many wonders take every delight.

Very good!!

-ShadowTwit

I liked this, althought when reading ijust one line didnt seem to flow:

The salty sea smell is carried in the air

I dont know why, maybe i am reading it funny but still
Well done, this is a sweet poem and ithat version works much better >.<
miyaviloves
x

Nice...The revised version definitely shows a lot improvement, less repetitive and it seems to have more of a point. The rhyme is very well-done, not forced at all. I also liked how you used not only vivid visual details but described sounds and scents as well.

I agree that this line sounds a bit awkward for some reason:

"The salty sea smell is carried in the air"

I think it's the term "carried" and the alliteration (alliteration can be very effective but it sounds a little odd here.) I think I'd rewrite as something like like, "The ocean's salty fragrance surrounds me in the air" or "The ocean's salty fragrance fills the misty seaside air."

Nice work on this. ^_^

I've changed the line aout the sea's salty smell. Is it better now?
Bkwrm

Much, much ,much better!!

This poem now seems complete and flows easily, which is very good for hooking the reader.

Only complaint...........I didn't want it to end!!

Much better (I think I've already said that!!)

Alainna,
XXXXXXX

Wow...
you really improved it from the original version. The first one was repetitive, and you managed to get the same message across in better words.