FRST THREE PAGES OF MY BOOK CH. 1

Heres what i will let you see so far if all goes well and i can trust, more will be up........ Tyr is pronouced (tear) like 'let me tear something'

i apologize for the blocks i have yet to format with spaces........

comments are appreciated....... Also sorry Nate for posting two things in one day but this i need feed back on by tomorrow the poem was just a test to see how this posting of this kind of stuff worked.........

Ch. 1

SORRY BIENG EDITED CURRENTLY OLD VERSION IS NOT WHAT I WANTED SO VEIWERS SHOULD BE INcliNED tO WAI AbOUT A MONTH....... 04/11/07

Hullo Sean.


I spaced it out for you, so that it'll be easier for others to read and critique. I'll try to get to it myself, one way or another.




IMP

Very discriptive! There are a few spelling mistakes. I'm a little bit confused about the story and "his innner beast," but i guess you'll probably explain all that in your coming chapters.

Placing it softly on his lips The Halfling began to play. He played a song about loss and love so rich and beautiful emotions would well up in all who listened, a piece from an elvish Edda.

Love that part!

I only read a little bit of it, but I loved the description. There were a few spelling/grammar type mistakes, but those are fixable. I did like what I read, though. Great start.

Well I critted this last night but my mom flipped out cause i was up so late so i'll try again. Hopefully i'll get it all done this time.

The forest veiled under the snow was quietly serene to all who viewed it. The wind blew gently from the west picking up the snowflakes in a slow and pretty dance. The way the sun shone through them made them sparkle as if with a light of their own.

Loved this opening. A very well done description.


It is really descriptive of the characters. Theat isn't bad but clumping so much in one place can bore the reader. You can spread alot of theses things out through the chapter. Like the tail can bee shown instead of told.

Example:

The Haflings fluffy tail twitched as the white flakes fell on the black fur.

And Little stuff ike that can be put throught the chapter so we get the full description of them without hveing to take it all in at once.

“They’ve come” he said sneering, the Halfling quickly drawing away his hand. “There is fighting by the mountains, a group of scouts likely, and they are being led by an old friend of mine..." his sneer broke into a evil-like grin as he thought for a second longer, not completing his wording.

You could get rid of the said and put sneered. and i would put a period and make the next part it's own sentence.

Pulling off the talisman from his belt, contained magic shaping itself into a fang about five feet in length, he swung it over his head wielding it with his right hand.

This was bit confuseing i understand it better than I did last night but it's still hard to understan. I would find a way to make it clearer what was happening.

“This is going to be fun” he said with an evil grin, marks imbued with magic etching his skin on his arm and onto his face’s right side like fire.

His should be the.

tyr is a very scary fellow. voldermort would cry i'm sure I think this was written very well and it seemed very original. I wish there wsa more but i undestand

The first sentence is a little confusing. Snow is on the ground and I’m not sure veiled it the right ward. Do you mean, the snow veiled the forest from view?

“Watching this were two young boys sitting high up on a limb of the white bark” sorry to be annoying, but bark won’t have limbs. Other than this, the paragraph is very good!

“slight curves revealing little of his muscles” I think you need to put an “A” in here somewhere. “A little” mean some, whereas “little” means not much at all.

As I am reading this, I think “hurry up”. You do a lot of explaining and description. Nothing happens! Try to speed things up a little.

“Halfling’s hair as he reach behind to release his Teïra” I am being annoying again, I know. You should say “reached”.

“pushed him self to his feet” himself is one word!

Is Tye the master? You don’t make this clear. You should have mentioned it earler, I found it hard to follow. Maybe mention how in awe the little halfling is of this strange elf.

“Tyr felt sympathy for the young boy because of the hate he felt for these…these barbarians” the wording here’s a little simple. I would have said something like “He felt pity for the young boy, but it was nothing compared to the hatred he felt for… etc”. That’s just me though. You don’t have to do that if you don’t want to.”

“All the soldiers all backed up from him swords raised” you don’t need to say all twice. It doesn’t sound right!

“of the events unto the lifeless corpses by the pyre.” Did they die? I can’t remember reading that. I thought Tye saved them.

A couple of other things. I don’t think Caer added anything to the story really. You could have told it without him, really. He played no part in the fighting at all. But then, you did say this was only part of the story, so maybe he bevomes important later on. But in this little part alone, he plays no part!

Your style is very enjoyable. You sound like an old story teller and it’s enjoyable to read. There are a couple of things you could improve on and correct here and there, but you have a promising talent and with time, I’m sure you will become great! Keep writing and have fun. Sorry it took me so long to review this by the way. Didn’t realise the urgency!

Yours
BlackDove

Great story! I love your descriptions.

A cold laugh that chilling everyone to their souls echoed across the valley, the soldiers and guards all drew their weapons, shivering uncontrollably...

I think chilling should be chilled.


Great writing! Keep up the good work!

after reading it over from your view it has been revealed to me the errors i need to fix and to you all I thank for that.

my character tyr is actually a nice guy but the demon inside him craves for blood constantly...... you will learn as the story progresses.....

ummm...... i will be revising this entire document to make it so much less of a bore and drag to read (yes i admit it......) and i will be describing the place in which these 'kids' live...... also Caer gets more involves as the story progresses he is so far the only one who can snap Tyr from his bloodlust........

and yes Try would rip voldomort to tiny little peices then incinerate them to dust in blackened hellfire.......


thanks for the comments and i will be posting the new version sometime this month.....

Sean Pendr wrote:The older boy sat completely sill staring off into space listening with eyes closed.

Shouldn't "sill" be 'still'?

Sean Pendr wrote:Pulling off the talisman from his belt, contained magic shaping itself into a fang about five feet in length, he swung it over his head wielding it with his right hand.

“This is going to be fun” he said with an evil grin, marks imbued with magic etching his skin on his arm and onto his face’s right side like fire.

I love that part!!!

Sean Pendr wrote:Try’s perception of time became akin to normal again. One word was all he said, “traitors….”, the rest were lost in the blazing vortex released by his spell.

That part is cool too!

I like it though.
It's pretty good!

Sean Pendr wrote:The older boy sat completely sill staring off into space listening with eyes closed.

Shouldn't "sill" be 'still'?

Sean Pendr wrote:Pulling off the talisman from his belt, contained magic shaping itself into a fang about five feet in length, he swung it over his head wielding it with his right hand.

“This is going to be fun” he said with an evil grin, marks imbued with magic etching his skin on his arm and onto his face’s right side like fire.

I love that part!!!

Sean Pendr wrote:Try’s perception of time became akin to normal again. One word was all he said, “traitors….”, the rest were lost in the blazing vortex released by his spell.

That part is cool too!

I like it though.
It's pretty good!