The Beauty of her Body

It's a bit of strange poem, and its not all in old English just parts. Critique away .


The beauty of her body,
Far surpasses the hatred in thy soul.

For her the indifferent earth would change,
Its mountain ranges torn asunder,
For her the superior sky would change,
Its lighting without thunder.

In the hollow of thy chest,
Lives the hatred of thine heart,
In the hollow of thy chest,
Lives she, set far apart.

For her the mortal men will strive,
To far greater deeds than before,
For her the Greater Gods will strive,
To create things of beauty more.

For the beauty of her body,
Far surpasses the hatred in thy soul.

"For her the indifferent earth would change,
Its mountain ranges torn asunder,
For her the superior sky would change,
Its lighting without thunder." - I would use a different word instead of the second "change".

"In the hollow of thy chest,
Lives the hatred of thine heart" - "thy" and "thine" are used in identical circumstances, as a possessive pronoun, and yet you use a different word, they should be the same.

You put a comma at the end of every line and quite a few aren't necessary.

This poem is very nice. The theme is especially good, I like what you are describing. THe last line does work, but I think that a different couplet would be better. A very good piece.


Gurby

For her the mortal men will strive,
To far greater deeds than before,
For her the Greater Gods will strive,
To create things of beauty more.

The rhythm's off here - the second and fourth lines don't flow so well when you read them it out loud. I also think one of the 'greater's should be changed.

It's actually quite nice to read, possible because the narrator seems likes such a happy-go-lucky person - it's like he's declaring his love for her to the whole world in an old-fasioned way that doesn't quite makes sense... he's clueless and he doesn't care, and that's kinda cute. So I liked it, even though I feel like I shouldn't like it. For all that love poems are usually the most boring kind of poem to read, it's rare to find one so based in an older style, or written from a guy's point of view. Good work, keep it up!

Thanks to you both for the suggestions, this was something I came up with and then just posted without any thought to making the rhythm more even and so on.

I didnt really know how Thy and Thine worked Ofour, so I'll change one of them. I just sort of used thy and thine because of a line I read from an old English poem, "Child if it were thine error or thy crime".

I didnt notice those two greater's originally, Ill make them something different when sort out the rhyme scheme. I'm thinking of extending the poem anyways, so it will need a bit more structure.

Thanks BFG and Ofour.

Wow, I really love this! The voice you used made it very beautiful.

I think some lines could be changed, some grammar/punctuation could be fixed up. Otherwise, C'est bon

For her the indifferent earth would change,
Its mountain ranges torn asunder,
For her the superior sky would change,
Its lighting without thunder.

I'm not entirely sure on this, I feel like you should have commas after "for her". But I'm not sure on it, like I said, I just feel like you need some kind of punctuation there.

For her the Greater Gods will strive,

Should these be lower case?

Lives the hatred of thine heart,

The second time you use "lives" it works because its followed by she, but here I got lost. I wasn't sure if it was Lives [lie-ves], the noun, or lives [li (as in liver) ves], the verb. Do you get what I am saying. Of course, it is the second, but it is awfully hard for me to see it as such...

I think, like ofour pointed out, you should correct some of the old English. It is beautiful, but I think it isn't perfect. Sometimes it just sounds off...

The poem is a real beauty though, perhaps if you rewrote it/gave it more so that it told more of a story, rather than a description? It would be even better then. It's like how I wrote a ten line poem once, and the majority of it was description, then I wrote ten lines more, as action, to follow up those ten lines previously, and in the end the two sets of ten lines worked out well together. Maybe you should consider that? (If you are curious, the poem I'm speaking of is called Child.)

Best of luck to fixing it up! I'd love to read this when you get all the kinks worked out

I think that the thy/thine (s) really made the poem. I as well think that "Greater Gods" should be lowercase since God in singular form and with a uppercase "g" is used to refer to the one God of Christianity, so (I believe) making it plural makes it lowercase as well, changing "Greater" to lowercase as well (If, however, I'm completely missing something, please ignore me ).

To create things of beauty more

^This line seemed off to me, "things of beauty" sounded awkward to me, and the more/before rhyme sounded different as well because of the syllabal difference (though none of the other lines really rhyme the same number of syllabals either; here maybe it's because of the disconnected "be" sound whereas the others are softer vowel sounds? And now I'm rather rambling so maybe there's not really so much of a problem there as I made it sound).

For her the superior sky would change,
Its lighting without thunder.

^This line sounds nice, but I'm not sure what it means to 'change lightning without thunder'.

I felt like the last two lines were cut off; maybe there's something else you can say preceding them?

Overall, I liked the rhythem of it, and if there were a "thumbs up" smiley, it's be right here --> _____.

The Paladin of Punctuation strikes again! The first thing I noticed about this was, quite predictably, how you used punctuation. It's a typical mistake for young poets, and one quite easily corrected. READ: You do not need to place a comma at the end of every line. Rather, you should punctuate a poem as you would prose. One way to figure this out is to take a few lines, up to the period, and write them out as if they were a sentence; then punctuate it the way you would if it was a story.

So, let's take your first two lines, hmm?

The beauty of her body,
Far surpasses the hatred in thy soul.

If you write that out, it's "The beauty of her body, far surpasses the hatred in thy soul." See how the pause created by the camera is superfluous? Therefore, your first two lines should be:

The beauty of her body
Far surpasses the hatred in thy soul.

For the rest, it should go like this (with corrected punctuation in red, as well as comments following each stanza):

For her the indifferent earth would change,
Its mountain ranges torn asunder;
For her the superior sky would change,
Its lighting without thunder.

Should "lighting" be "lightning?" It just doesn't sound quite right as it is.

In the hollow of thy chest
Lives the hatred of thine heart;
In the hollow of thy chest
Lives she, set far apart.

The last two lines are a little iffy for me. I understand the bit about the subject living in the hollow of the chest, but the "set far apart" bit just... doesn't make sense. I don't know, maybe I'm slow on the uptake, lol.

For her the mortal men will strive
To far greater deeds than before;
For her the Greater Gods will strive,
To create things of beauty more.

I don't think "the" is necessary in the first line. I do like the parallels between "greater deeds" of mortals and the "Greater Gods," though technically neither of those words should be capitalized in this context.