Come Out

Come Out
~~~


Your eyes like slits trying to close for centrys

Hidding from your shadow to petrifyed to look behind

Your mind full of journeys but afraid to show it

Ghosts looking back at you in the mirror , your time is running up

Running away from death far to long long

Selling your soul for etirnety

Lying to overlap your fears

Frightened to walk forward

A turtle stuck in its shell

Come out, come out, where ever you are......

"Your eyes like slits trying to close for centrys" - "centuries".

"Hidding from your shadow to petrifyed to look behind" - "hiding", comma after "shadow", "too", "petrified".

"your time is running up" - you mean "running out"?

"Running away from death far to long long" - is that an intentional repeated word?

"Selling your soul for etirnety" - "eternity".

"where ever you are......" - "wherever" and only three dots required.

Wasn't quite sure about this, it's very strange. Your spelling is terrible and you lack a lot of punctuation. The ideas within the poem are extremely vague, and don't really mean much to me, they're just a sequence of words. Not much else to say really.


Gurby

This was an overall good intention but...the ending made it sort of tacky. Ofour has already mentioned your spelling so I won't. There's actually a spellcheck before you post so get to know it, it's your friend .

Otherwise, your similies didn't really make total sense. Again I say, great intention, but try to make them relate to something a little closer to the actual subject.

Take some time to read over and edit this and take the advice of our hard working members. This poem could really shine up.

Keep it up!
~Rieda

just becuz you don't like the style of the writing !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Riedawriter23 wrote:This was an overall good intention but...the ending made it sort of tacky. Ofour has already mentioned your spelling so I won't. There's actually a spellcheck before you post so get to know it, it's your friend .

Otherwise, your similies didn't really make total sense. Again I say, great intention, but try to make them relate to something a little closer to the actual subject.

Take some time to read over and edit this and take the advice of our hard working members. This poem could really shine up.

Keep it up!
~Rieda

DeathAngel, if you respond this way to every critique someone has gone out of their way to give you, then you should stop posting your work. Thank you.

DeathAngelRuby -


re: "just becuz you don't like the style of the writing !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Don't kid yourself. Style? It isn't apparent to anyone here where this "style" you claim exists is located--it certainly isn't in this poem. What you have here is perhaps the antonymous equivalent of 'style.'

Stop thrashing at the keyboard and think about what you're spewing onto the page: decent grammar and spelling are a bare minimum if you ever want to be taken seriously as a writer.


Best,
Brad

As people have said, check your spelling - making basic mistakes only makes your poetry seem more basic and poor than it is.


Now then, your form. It's bad.

First of all, why are there so many line breaks? Having an empty space in between lines of text usually indicates a new verse, and a new idea - if that's so, you have one every single line. It doesn't make sense, so you need to get rid of those extra line breaks and work from there.

Secondly, why are your lines the way they are? Every line is just a single sentence. A large part of what makes poetry poetic is how the lines merge and flow together: because you have basically just written a paragraph of text and put line breaks in, it's not actually a poem. Your work reads basically exactly the same like this:

Your eyes like slits trying to close for centrys

Hidding from your shadow to petrifyed to look behind

Your mind full of journeys but afraid to show it

Ghosts looking back at you in the mirror , your time is running up

as it does like this

Your eyes like slits trying to close for centrys. Hidding from your shadow to petrifyed to look behind. Your mind full of journeys but afraid to show it. Ghosts looking back at you in the mirror , your time is running up.

That's not poetry, something like this is poetry:

Tho' much is taken, much abides; and though
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

From Ulysses by Alfred Lord Tennyson. Why do I use it as an example? Look at the way the lines work - look at how they flow into one another at the end of the first line, but sometimes break with a comma, sometimes with a semi-colon: that is how poetry works.

I'm not saying that you will become as good as Tennyson the moment you start trying, but poetry can't just be sentences split up by random jabs at the 'return' key: the lines breaks have to be intentional and allow the poem to build upon itself.

Basically, it's not poetry. My advice to you is that you go out and get some published poetry to read so you can understand how it's done. At least learn the basics first, and then you'll be equipped to practice and explore more complicated techniques.

Hope to see you around again.


EDIT: and come on, TellATaleFor2, that kind of comment isn't helping anyone. Don't do it.