Untitled

Age

Two scenes unfold, before us gathered here,
Two men shuffling forward on tired quests,
Two lives which were marred by a fateful fear,
Two people out to do only their best.
Forlornly they watch on, sad and lonely,
Their world of colourless blacks and light whites,
Invited not those who lived lives fully,
But those who possessed the sad, fading sight.
The silver moonlight cast a bleak, black tinge,
On the empty houses they called their homes,
The devils fire failed to make them cringe,
And heavens light, lights not their life's old tomes.
Through the blighted streets of condemnation,
They do not seek your offered salvation.

An almost perfect sonnet. The eleventh and twelfth lines have only 9 syllables. The rhyming was done well, with very little contriving. The subject itself is vague, but I like that, it leaves a lot to my imagination. A very nice piece.


Gurby

I made a mistake with those last two lines, for some reason I had condemnatilon and salvation with extra syllables. Thank you for pointing that out, I'll just edit in something or other.

Yea, I tried to keep the meaning a little vague, I think that poetry is best that way. But I think a title would make give it a clearer meaning.

Thanks Ofour I appreciate your opinion.

The last two lines are fine, its the two before them that do not have enough syllables: they need one more each.


Gurby

Good work

Two scenes unfold before us gathered here,
Two men shuffling forward on tired quests,
Two lives which were marred by a fateful fear,
Two people out to do only their best.

I like these four lines. The four aspects tie together nicely. I think a comma after "unfold" on the first line would help it read better.

Forlornly they watch on sad and lonely,
Their world of colourless blacks and light whites,
Invited not those who lived lives fully,
But those who possessed the sad, fading sight.

The first line here seems difficult to read. It feels like there should be a comma after "watch on" and/or after "forlornly".

The silver moonlight cast a bleak black tinge,
On the empty houses they called their homes,

After "bleak", as it precedes another adjective, there should be a comma.


None the less, a good effort. Keep it up.

"Two people out to do only their best. "
Hmm, the word "only" tripped me in this line, most because it's another in a quick succession of short, connecting words. You could combine "to do" into doing, you could eliminate "only", or you could leave it as is, it's not as big a deal as I make it seem.

I liked the rhyming; I wasn't hit over the head with it (I actually didn't notice it right off the bat).

I liked the first four lines beginning with the idea of "two", but after that I didn't see where the idea continue, so I'm not sure what the overall effect the poem should have on the reader.

In general, :claps:

I really liked the style. You did a good job. Is the title supposed Untitled, is it that on purpose?

Untitled was a working title, I decided to call it "Age". Does that sound right to you guys?

Two people out to do only their best - good point Amelia. It was forced, I just used it to keep the rhythm for the sonnet going which is really a terrible reason.

Random note to self: hah, I should probably look up the form of a sonnet one of these days so I'll recognize the form when I come to one

Age...could work, but I don't know if it's clear enough... do you mean age as in number of years something's been around, or age as in era?