Blacklake

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I actually wrote a complete story from this finishing it about June last year, but it was for a school project and decidely average. Reading over parts of it make me cringe, so I was hoping to take it bit by bit, edit it slightly and, hopefully, get your honest and heartfelt opinions :)


Chapter One, The Mage.


Dorren sat on the stool, behind the counter, his body slumped backwards, leaning against the wall. Three more hours, he thought drearily – only three more hours. He’d arrived at the store about six hours ago, like always. The Shop owner, Mr Tomlinson, had greeted him and like usual had said he was going to pop out for a few minutes and per usual hadn’t returned. This had been the routine for every Friday … Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, too, come to think of it. The shop owner was by all accounts a drunken lout. Off everyday to the pub from early in the morning returning at closing time, after having been kicked out, to collapse on the floor of the shop, often trying to hit Dorren for stealing his precious produce. Dorren would take that as his cue to leave and off he would go, locking the sleeping Mr Tomlinson in the store and setting of to his one room “house”. Even so Dorren supposed the job would have been okay – if there had been a single customer, who had wanted to buy something and not just ask for directions. But the town was so small and everyone knew that Mr Tomlinson’s General Store, some general food – a few meats, oats, simple things, which everyone owned themselves, and of course, Mr Tomlinson’s speciality, Jams and chutneys. How could you get strawberry jam wrong? Maybe that’s why he drinks himself into a stupor, Dorren mused, so he doesn’t have to remember making the foul stuff.

The door slid open, the bell at the top of the door chiming. Dorren jumped up from his chair knocking his seat back, and had to whirl around catching the tip of the wooden stool in the edge of his finger tips. Pulling it upright he turned to see who had come in. Standing before him, in the wooden doorway, stood a small, diminutive, man. He started walking forward, past the numerous oak shelves lining the walls which were piled high with jars. . He was just over five feet tall dressed in an outfit of black. His hair was a deep mirrored his clothing – black – and was precisely combed into place; there was a black symmetry about him, with everything made to match. His eyes were small and caught up in a permanent squint as if he was scrutinising everything he saw. His nose was flat and his mouth, a small line, was curled upwards in a bemused and superior smile as he came up to the counter. He was the complete opposite of Dorren. Dorren stood close to six feet tall, with wavy blonde hair; he had a pointed nose and a large mouth – which remained impassive, Dorren instantly not liking the man.
He spoke in a deep ringing voice, demanding Dorren’s full attention. “Id like a few bags of oats and a few jars of the best jam you’ve got boy.”
Dorren turned around and examined the several layers of oaken shelves, laden with a variety of jams. Dorren scanned though them, wondering whether to choose a good or bad jam for the man who obviously thought himself demeaned by having to talk to someone as lowly as a shopkeeper. Spotting one which was okay, a simple raspberry jam, he stepped up and plucked it from the shelf

Turning he said, “This is very good, one of Mr. Tomlinson’s best,” adding silently to himself, not that, that means anything.

The man seemed to squint harder and then said. “Yes that will do fine, I’ll take a dozen along with those oats,” he said reaching into his pocket and flipping out a coin as Dorren reached under the table a pulled out a few bags of oats. Dorren took the money gathered together the jams and oats and picked up the coin, a silver piece – grossly higher than what the stuff costs – the man was just showing off and costing him quite a lot of time counting together his change.

“How old are you, boy?” asked the man.

“16,” Dorren replied, slightly off guard from the suddenness of the question.

“Ahh, so I guess you’ll be at the magicians’ talent test today, wont you?” It wasn’t a question.

Dorren looked more closely at the man, suddenly spotting the insignia of the magicians on the top right of his shirt, air, water, earth and fire with a clenched fist binding them all together.

“Yes, sir, I suppose so sir,” Dorren said formality taking over.
Dorren handed back his change and passed over the chutneys in a bag.

“I’ll hold you to that, it’s at seven in the town centre – just so you know,” The mage said smiling. He turned and started to walk away, only to stop and throw back some of the change. “You can buy me a drink when you get there.”

Well Dorren guessed he had to go after that, the man was a mage and he’d bound Dorren with those coins. The door swung shut after the men, the bell chiming away once more. Dorren sighed glumly; he guessed he’d be getting home late tonight. Glancing at the afternoon sun outside, he shook his head in dismay. Two and a half hours to go.




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Meh...Dorren seems kinda boring in personality. Is there anything that you can put in there to distinguish him from the rest.

The story seems a bit cliche at the moment too.
"To the edge of the universe and back. Endure and survive."




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Yes I agree it is a bit cliched and really, the whole story line is a bit predictable. I'll just post chapter one and two (unedited, just so you know) so that you can get a better feel for how it worked. It's a bit long so just go ahead and post criticisms to parts of it, I dont expect you to sit here and read a chapter of some, decidely average writing.

Squallz, I was trying to make Dorren a cynic. He's young, 16 if I remember rightly, and I wanted to give the impression that despite that he did possess some, X factor (theres a bit of a cliche) which made him more worldly despite his years and his lack of experience.

Here's the rest of one and then two.

Three hours later, Dorren had left after locking up; Mr Tomlinson lying sprawled on the floor, chutney spilled all around him from where he had stumbled into a shelf. Dorren was walking along the main street of the city, a small cobbled road with shops, houses and other buildings lining the road. A few people were walking around from store to store, many heading off towards the town centre, probably because they had heard of the Magicians Talent test. I started to step up my pace, hoping to get there with enough time for two or three drinks. Reaching the centre of the town he saw a pavilion erected in the centre of the plaza. Sighing inwardly he set of to the closest pub only to be caught by the mage from earlier, who accompanied him inside and also told Dorren his order. Grabbing the drinks I walked back to him and sat down on one of the chairs, warily watching him. The bar was twice as full as normal, many people laughing voraciously. The mage beside Dorren was drawing many stares. The bar was relatively small, ten or so stools round the bar at one end of the room and ten or so seats littered around the place – but there must have been at least fifty people inside.
The mage beside him drained his glass in one.


“Glad to see you came,” his small eyes flickered, his mouth tugging as if he was laughing at his own private joke. “I’ll leave you to finish of your drink – then meet up inside the pavilion.” He stalked off, out through the door. Dorren stared glumly into his half empty glass, swishing around the honey coloured liquid. Resigning himself to the ordeal ahead, he emptied the glass and set off through the door.

Two

The Test

Dorren strode out the pub, heading in the direction of the pavilion. As he strode down toward the pavilion his steps slowly became slower till he halted completely, a few yards shy of the door. Dorren stared ahead. The Pavilion was a pasty blue, stretching a few yards in each direction. Dorren closed his eyes and walked through the entrance, smiling tentatively at the Mage Guard who was standing at the door in full plate armour, her sword unsheathed, and the Mage guard emblem proudly presented on the breast plate. Surprisingly he got a smile back.

As Dorren entered the pavilion he noticed that it was well lit, lights hanging suspended in the area, all along the edge of the pavilion, which was seemed larger inside than out. In the centre were three rows of tables. The first row had a variety of weapons set along. They all gleamed in the magical fire light. The second row only had water – or what looked like water, on the tables. The third and final row had desks all placed slightly apart and nothing on the tables. Standing by the first row were eleven people, twelve including Dorren. They all looked as nervous as Dorren felt. There were seven women and five men. Dorren walked over and joined the crowd.

“I wondered what the tests are?” asked a chubby man, probably 16 or 17, glancing around. The same question was uttered again and again in different forms, with many differing answers varying from showing them you can hold as sword to being run through to see if you can survive and slowly growing more ludicrous and causing greater amounts of panic. One of the ladies, a tallish red head with bright red lips and a tiny nose, was getting more and more distressed as the conversation went on and Dorren decided to put a halt to it.

“This is all ridiculous, of course they won’t make us eat the swords,” he said disputing the latest theory. “Now can’t we just stop talking about this?”
One of the women who had been trying to comfort the distressed redhead scooped up the chance. “Yes, let’s not talk about it – so what’s your name,” she asked, nodding towards Dorren.

“Dorren,” I replied. “Yours?”

“Maria,” She said. Maria had long dark hair, nearly reaching waist length, a bright and cheery face – mouth in a small smile, eyes a deep blue, a small hawklike nose and pointy ears – which gave her an impish look.

She was going round asking names and I decided to follow her example and asked the names of those around me. Slowly everyone relaxed. There was Tim and Tom, 17, two identical twins. There was Ras, 17, the trader’s son, who had a permanent scowl and a matching personality. Drun, 18, who was huge, a giant… almost. There was Maria, 16, and the redhead Santra who was also 16. Susana, 17, a short chubby girl, with a dark personality and angry attitude. Danta, 18, a small slight girl who blushed often but seemed happy and was always moving. Then there was Cleo, 16, a tall lady, with deep black hair and a fiery attitude – she loved fighting and had a few daggers on her belt. Then there was Mara, 17 and Hilta, 18, two sisters who seemed inseparable. They had similar features but different styles, Mara preferring more work like clothing and a short haircut while Hilta preferred long hair and long dresses. From the beginning there seemed a natural division between people, everyone siding with a certain group of people who were the same ages. Hilta, Mara, Danta and Drun in one group talking quietly to themselves.

Tim, Tom, Ras and Susana in another group, Tim and Tom holding Ras and
Suanas angry tempers in check with their positive attitudes. Then there was Dorren, Maria, Santra and Cleo in another group which was often laughing.

The time seemed to slip by and at eight an hour after the time the test should have started the short mage came in apologising for the delay and ushering everyone to the first row of tables.

“Okay everyone, grab a sword that feels most comfortable with and then you’ll each take turns sparring with one of the Mage Guards while the weapons master and I watch and grade you, choose your weapons quickly,” He then turned and walked off to get the guards.
Looking around at the variety of weapons Dorren eventually settled on a large sword, knowing that with the little experience and skill he had he would be best to use a weapon that he had some knowledge of and could use his height to his full advantage. They all lined up and five Mage guards came forward taking up five different spaces throughout the room. Dorren had the guard from the door, the cheery women. Dorren and the warrior faced each other and then began. Dorren tried a huge two-handed slash down, hoping to overpower her. She side stepped nimbly making Dorren’s sword smashed against the floor sending shudders up his arm, and sparks flying. She tapped Dorren’s shoulder with her sword, then moved back and took up position again. They faced off once again, Dorren know knowing he was easily out skilled. She was more muscled than Dorren, though she was slightly shorter. They started fighting again, Dorren on the defensive – though she often broke through his guard. It was basically Dorren swinging wildly, hoping for a lucky shot. He had less than rudimentary skill with a sword. Dorren occasionally took large swipes at her, trying to beat down her guard but she deflected them with ease – often following up with a tap on the chest or shoulder. Dorren, after many losses decide to go for something different. Going in swinging overhead wildly, which she side stepped easily, again, but as she came in to follow up, Dorren swung out a leg, clipping her ankle. She hit the ground, rolled and as Dorren came in to finish off the spar she held the blade of the sword and swung the hilt round, catching him behind the knee sending him sprawling on top of her. The mage called for the people to switch their partners. After much swearing Dorren got up helping the guard up who was laughing at what had happened.

“Not bad, for an amateur,” she said once standing, smiling. Dorren didn’t take the words offensively, she was right he had gotten lucky. She then ushered forth Cleo. Cleo seemed to hold her own against the Mage Guard, though she never got a strike in on the guard, the guard only managed a few against her. Eventually everyone got their chance, many not faring well against the Mage guards and ending up with bruises from falls or trips.
“Okay now we move on to the second task, the magic test, everyone take a seat at one of the tables,” the mage said, waiting as everyone moved off to a seat, anxious expressions on there faces. “Pour some water into the bowl,” everyone silently filled their bowls, the mage tapping his foot impatiently. “Okay everybody, close your eyes and concentrate…empty out your thoughts…” he said giving a few moments pause between each command. “Now then, gather your energy and focus it… open your eyes and say Êlansa, focusing on the water.”

There were many mutters of Êlansa, but nothing seemed to happen.
“Concentrate,” boomed the mage. “You don’t have to do much; the slightest hint of magic is enough.”

Dorren closed his eyes, emptying his thoughts again, trying to pull together his energy. He felt something gathering and as soon as he did, he opened his eyes focusing on the water. “Êlansa,” he stared expectantly, the water changed colour momentarily. He tried again, thinking of the water, emptying his thoughts. Then as he gathered his energy he waited longer than before, concentrating on the bowl he opened his eyes. “Êlansa,” he said forcefully, there was a greater change which lasted longer and turned the colour a deeper purple than it had before, similar to what everyone else had achieved. Closing his eyes again he gathered the energy building it up and then releasing it, in a steady stream at the water, which began to slosh, as well as turning a dark purple for longer. He didn’t wait for it to turn back, closing his eyes once more. Before he did the mage who had been watching nodded.

Even with theses few attempts Dorren found it easy to get the energy and bring it slowly together. This time Dorren gathered more energy than before, focusing hard, and spoke. “Êlansa,” the water poured slightly out of the bowl and turned from purple to blue. Feeling satisfied he sat there watching around, rejuvenating the colour whenever it started to fade.

“Okay everyone, wrap it up, come up to the third row,” He said, to many smiles of relief. “Come and take a seat somewhere in the next row,” people started taking there seats. Whispered questions about the last test ensued all around, as everyone struggled to settle down.

“How’d you go,” asked Cleo. “I went badly; I only got it to turn a light purple– eventually.”

“I went okay,” replied Dorren. “How’d you go Maria?”

“Good, I got the water to slosh a bit while turning it purple – Santra here could turn it a real dark purple, couldn’t you?”
Santra nodded her head, face flushed in delight.

“Settle down everyone, what you did was no big achievement,” the mages voice stated, in a droll voice. “Now we have the final test, which tests your strength of will and endurance. Mages require a large amount of physical endurance to preform their spells – which is why you did your Magic test first, to weary you so we may find the full extent of your abilities. Willpower will help you hold of the power I shall employ agaist you. Normally this test would be done in a few small groups… but because I feel I am powerful enough to preform it on all of you at once, one group shall suffice,” his voice had risen haughtily. “Now everyone get yourselves comfortable, we shall commence… by the way, when you can’t take anymore, say so,” he then closed his eyes a spoke a word. Nothing happened at first. Dorren looking around anxiously to see if anything had happened to the others but they looked as bewildered as Dorren looked - many also looked terrified waiting for what was about to happen. Then slowly Dorren felt a slight presence around him, the air grew heavier. His limbs started to get slightly itchy, and then a few minutes later started to ache slightly. The ache grew more and more, the presence also grew stronger, then the air even heavier. Their was some movement beside him and Dorren struggled to turn and see what was happening. Santra was struggling under the pressure. His limbs started to feel heavy, and immovable, his eyes closing. The presence weighing him down, exhausting him. Then pain started to come from all over. A fiery sensation, growing stronger every second, opposed by the dull exhaustion he felt. The exhaustion seemed stronger. If he closed his eyes Dorren knew that would be the end. The presence seemed to try and enter his thoughts. Dorren knew that this most be something to do with using his will power to push away the presence but no matter how hard he tried nothing happened. Ignoring the pain, and other peoples' gasps of pain with one or two yelling at the mage to stop, he attempted to gather his energy as he had when doing the Êlansa spell. Several times he struggled only to lose the energy because of the pain and exhaustion. The pain was intense and the presence struggling to gain access to his memories was growing stronger and more insistent, if he fell asleep it would have complete acess. He would have to give in now or fight back. He was beginning to drift in to semi unconsciousness, finding it hard to think of what to do next, but distancing himself from the pain. For minutes he drifted in this state only to be pushed back into consciousness as the presence bashed hard against what must have been the way to his thoughts. Knowing he would have to give in soon and face the haughty mage – who must have been the presence – he summoned all his strength once more and focused pooling it all together. Gathering the energy, often on the verge of losing it because of the nauseating pain. Eventually he gathered enough and used it to lash out at the intruder, pushing it back before using all his will to further push it back after he ran out of energy, battling it out. When it was sufficiently back, he noticed the pain increase dramatically, and gasped put loud and soon screamed. Dorren couldn’t bear to give in but eventually the pain got too bad, unconsciousness eluded him and the presence ploughed forward once more. He screamed out. “Stop,” before spluttering into spasms of pain. Then abruptly the pain ended.

Vision returned – he never realised he had lost it. He found he was sprawled on the floor, the others sitting and watching him anxiously from the second row. He stood up, only to fall back over knocking the chair beside him over and landing heavily on the ground. Drun, the large giant had rushed forward to haul him up and taken him over to a seat. There were many questions to him if he was okay, but Dorren waved them aside. Sitting in the chair he was slowly stretching out his arms and legs, trying to shake off the painful sensation that lingered in his muscles. As he looked around, noticing that most eyes were on him he was surprised to find even some of the Mage Guard looking anxiously his way. The mage was at the back of the tent, conversing with the weapons master but still remained passive.
Turning to Santra, who was sitting to his left he asked. “What happened?”

“You lasted a few minutes longer than the last of us, but towards the end you started gasping and struggling to breathe you then started … to go crazy and began screaming. Then you fell onto the floor, and a few moments later the screams stopped,” She was staring at Dorren fearfully, though there was some sympathy behind the fear.

The mage came back, striding over a sheet of paper in his hands.

“I have decided which ones of you have the skill to join the Magicians Academy or alternately the Mage Guard. Drun you show no magical talent or sufficient willpower, but have some skills with your axe, you can join the Mage Guard if you so wish,” He consulted the paper. “Ras, you have little skill with the blade but have some talents with magic and though you only have tiny amount of physical endurance you possess a good amount of willpower,” He struggled with even that small compliment. He then continued down the list, Tim and Tom unfortunately showing no talents in any area. Mara showed Mage Guard material but Hilta showed none for either mage or guard. Danta showed only a little talent, but was invited in. Susana was not. Cleo showed plenty of Mage Guard potential and a small amount of magical talent and if she came along would pursue both studies until they knew her full capabilities or she chose to be a Mage Guard. Santra was accepted into the Academy, similarly with Maria. Lastly he reached Dorren.

“Ah, Dorren… Dorren you showed only a small amount of fighting ability, only getting one lucky shot in the whole test, but your magical skills are okay as is your endurance… and willpower. You will be offered a place in the Academy.” Dorren smiled exhilarated, he hadn’t planned on coming but now he was on my way to the mage academy. Unbelievable. If it hadn’t been for the jerking pains that were still occasionally causing him to lose his breath he would have thought it worth it. He was going to go to the Academy. He would send his parents a letter in the morning and leave along the road to the academy. He wouldn’t be working this dead beat lifestyle, working all day for a drunk. He would become a mage. He had never thought this would happen. He had thought, like so many others before him must have thought – that he was going to go in there and humiliate himself in front of everyone – he had done that to some extent, but he had still made it into the academy. It was brilliant.




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Well done, Mad! Your plot was well communicated. You know what the character wants. Your descriptions, the visual ones, anyway, were very good! Just a few suggestions. (Feel free to ignore them!)

Why not put in a few more details about the senses? You've got the visual down pat. Why not try throwing in a bit about how things smell and feel?

I thought the tests were very entertaining, and I was a bit sorry when they were over. Why not try making them a bit longer, and going into more detail?

The first test, with the fighting, was cool, but... must everybody use swords? Is that required? Why not vary it a little, with axes or mace and chains, or quarterstaves? I find tests with swords rather often in literature. No offense, of course! This one was very nice.

About the point of view... you seemed to be switching between first person and third person, from 'He' to 'I'. Did you intend it that way?

I do agree, your character does seem to lack distinction... just a bit. Why not give him an interesting way of talking? A clumsy way of dressing? You said he's supposed to be cynical, right? Why not make him talk in very short, abrupt sentences? Grunting and shrugging, rather than smiling and nodding?

All in all, very good! I look forward to seeing the rest of it!

All the best,

Goldie
"I hate the word 'Truce'. It means 'Fun's over'." ~My little sister




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Thanks for taking the time to read through it Goldie and I think I'll take all your suggestions to heart.

I focus more on visual description than any of the other senses when I am writing so I will try and encorporate that into this chapter and any other ones that I choose to write.

I'm glad you liked the tests, I always thought that they were abit... predictable as far as fantasy goes. I'll try to extend them a little and make it more original at the same time.

As for using weapons other than swords well thats genius! I really dont know why that didnt enter my mind when I was writing it.

Now on to Dorren, I think I'll try and encorporate your suggestion of him responding in short bursts or grunts along with something else to make him seem more of a stand out character.

Thanks again for taking the time to read it Goldie.

Oh and the tenses, that's just me being stupid. They should all be he, it's just when I started writing it I was much more used to writing first person in the latter stages of the story there shouldnt be so many tense switches (I hope :P)




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Hey, Mad!

Where/when are you going to post more of Blacklake?
"I hate the word 'Truce'. It means 'Fun's over'." ~My little sister




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Heya Goldie, now that it's the weekend I have some more time on my hands so here is part of Chapter 3.


Dorren was riding a horse, DarkMorn a young, deep black colt, which had been given to him for the use of the journey by one of the Mage Guard. He and the others accepted into the academy had stayed up till late, drinking down their success and sorrow for those they had known only briefly but would be unable to come. Though that sorrow was only momentary, as those who had made it in were flushed with success. It turned out that this was a record high, for students found with magical abilities. There usual were only two or three and sometimes none at all found in the country towns. All of then had eventually fallen asleep inside the pavilion where the test had been held many hours later. Dorren and some others had posted letters to there families telling of their acceptance, there was no time for most to travel to say their final goodbyes. Along with being accepted into the Academy Dorren had the added fun of saying goodbye to Mr Tomlinson and his wonderful store of bad food. He had told Mr Tomlinson that morning and had been given an extra weeks pay because Mr Tomlinson was so hung over he couldn’t bear any one talking. He’d yelled at Dorren and offered him an extra weeks pay for his silence. Dorren had grunted and taken the money, sending it back to his family.

He had then gone back to his one room house and picked his meagre assortment of possessions. He had packed up the few clothes he had, a dagger his father had given him before he’d left and the some money he had saved. Taking those possessions and stuffing them into the bag he had used to bring them to the town, the corners of his mouth had twitched in a satisfied smile.

Turning his attention back to what was around him; Dorren saw they were a few miles out of the town. There were large fields on either side, their farmers getting ready for the harvest. They toiled hard in the fields and for a second Dorren reminisced upon his days of farmyard work. The farmers often looked up as the procession marched past them, some coming over to ask advice or help from the mage, who would regard the man in question with a stoic look, telling him there was nothing he could do, the unspoken words being nothing he could be bothered to do. Beside Dorren was Drun, who seemed to be more comfortable with Dorren than with any of the others. On his other side a few yards away was Santra and Maria huddled closely in conversation. Further up ahead of them was Cleo seeming totally at ease and conversing lightly with one of the Mage guards, Ras was trying to talk to Danta and Susana – who were also talking solicitously. There was no one else, Tim and Tom not being granted spots and Mara choosing to stay back with her sister rather than come alone.

The mage, who still hadn’t divulged his name, was riding up front. There was a general dislike for the mage from all the new apprentices, Ras emanating it the most openly while the others thought him rude and, generally, just not a very nice person. For most people what he seemed to have done to Dorren was the influencing factor in their dislike. They said the mage had gotten very angry at one stage, when it was just Dorren remaining, and soon after that Dorren had started gasping and then eventually screaming. Dorren had still not fully recovered from that ordeal, his muscles aching dully while he rode on the horse and whenever he walked. It had improved a lot since yesterday and Dorren had wasn’t worried, knowing that he would make a full recovery recover soon but he found the fac that the mage could so easily cause such lingering pain a sober thought. So Dorren remained more quiet and impassive around the mage, responding only in monosyllabic grunts. He wasn’t much more open with the others, though, preferring to quietly watch than speak aloud.




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Your story shows potential. :D

However, in chapter one, your descriptions of the characters seemed a bit boring. You told us a lot about them, but it seemed more like a list than a story. You should try to let us get to know your characters by the way they act, other than just telling us outright. It would add a lot to your story.

Also, I'm not sure if you need to tell us so much about rather minor characters (the ones that stayed behind). Unless of course, they will play an important role later on! Elaborating on so many characters in a short time can confuse your audience.
If you have to ask me why I write, you would never understand...




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Mad!

'Tis very good. I caught only a slight repeat, where you used the word 'success' in one sentence, and then again in the next one. No big deal, though, right?

You went through Dorren's packing. I'm sure that's essential, but... is there a more interesting way to put it? I'm sorry. Perhaps my attention span is short. But instead of just listing the things he put into the bag, why not describe a bit more about what they look like, what Dorren likes about them, why he feels he should bring them, etc.

Again, I'm only suggesting things. You needn't listen to me if don't wish to.

You mentioned they were riding through farmlands. What else? Were they riding at a slow, mellow speed, or were they jogging along in a jarring pace? Had Dorren ever ridden a horse before? Did he struggle to stay in the saddle? Was another person in the party showing off his/her riding skills? What did the air smell like? Tilled earth or sweaty horse? You know, things like that. 'Tis called 'sensory surround', and it helps catch readers and pull them into the story. It's easier to follow what somebody is doing, if you aren't trying to figure out where they are.

Also, call me a simpleton, but I don't understand the logic of Dorren's boss giving up a week's pay just to get some silence. I've never had a hangover, so I wouldn't know. Would someone really do that?

Keep it up! More! More!

Goldie
"I hate the word 'Truce'. It means 'Fun's over'." ~My little sister



It is most unlikely. But - here comes the big "but" - not impossible.
— Roald Dahl