fiducia

Prologue

The pleasant sub-urban area of Fordingbridge was generally a well respected part of Southampton. Its leafy, graffiti-free streets had long been the backyard of many a middle class business man looking to find peace away from the hustle and bustle of city life. Fordingbridge was the kind of place where neighbours where treated more like aquatences than friends and any disagreements were solved by the discreet sending of letters as apposed to a face to face confrontation.

It was rather strange then that hidden away behind the high walled gardens, company cars and double garages there lay a children’s home. The building of the home was well publicised in the local newspaper:

‘The parish council of Fordingbridge is proud to announce that the construction of the Avonway children’s home is finally completed. The new state of the art home boasts fifty places for disadvantaged children, a separate education complex and an on site medical facility. The home will be run by the highly experienced Mrs Bellicus who has had much success...’

If the location of the home seemed strange then the way the children arrived was stranger still. Instead of the usual procession of social workers and other official people that is the norm prior to the arrival of a child, the process at Avonway seemed only to involve the new arrivals being transported to the new facility in a number of large trucks.

Where these trucks or indeed the children came from no one seemed to know and neither, with Fordingbridge being the place it was, did anyone seem inclined to ask…

Chapter One

With his back pressed hard against the wall, he inched slowly forward. Sweat poured from his face. His heart was pumping hard in the confines of his chest. Carefully he moved his shaking hand out and grabbed the door knob in front of him. His first attempt at opening the door failed due to the thick layer of sweat on his hand that prevented the knob from turning. Taking a deep breath, he tried again and to his relief the door swung open.

XXXXX had never been in this room in his life, but he had no time to take it in. Moving quickly XXXXX darted across the area in front of him and reached the desk and closed the door behind him in one fluid action.

Swiftly he rifled through the drawer, searching through papers and floppy disks.

i liked it - seemes youve had alot of experience before coming here, It had a sense of tension from the first word- your description of fording bridge was very real-my only issue was your main charector , a number name is good but it should have a particular sound , saying x x x x x is tedious to the brain and eye , try x or n.14 or somthing we can read over and over . Keep this going , it was a bit short and the ending wasnt greatly dramatic but youre content was blin ju la blin- rod

"where neighbours where treated more like aquatences" - "were" and "acquaintances".

"as apposed to" -"opposed".

"It was rather strange then that hidden away behind the high walled gardens, company cars and double garages there lay a children’s home." - commas after "that" and "garages".

"The new state of the art home" - comma after "new".

"Where these trucks or indeed the children came from" - commas after "truck" and "children".

Please call XXXXXX something. Apart from that it was quite good, but it wasn't very thrilling, it was a bit bland.

Please critique two other things for each story you post of your own.

Moving quickly XXXXX darted across the area in front of him and reached the desk and closed the door behind him in one fluid action.

This would flow better if you added a comma after 'quickly'. I don't think you need any other commas in this, though. It makes it seem like he's hurrying.

The XXX thing is really distracting. Maybe you could pick a generic name, and give that to all the kids?

About Ofour's first quote, I think you're correct about the 'where', since it's a location.

The description of the neighborhood is really well done. It actually seems like a real place. I can believe it.

I liked the whole thing. It had a no-nonsense feel to it. The ending didn't grab me, though. If you added one sentence hinting about what XXXXXX was looking for it would be much more interesting.

Thanks for posting! I'll look for the rest. Welcome to YWS, by the way.

-Jenna

"The pleasant sub-urban area of Fordingbridge was generally a well respected part of Southampton. Its leafy, graffiti-free streets had long been the backyard of many a middle class business man looking to find peace away from the hustle and bustle of city life. Fordingbridge was the kind of place where neighbours where treated more like aquatences than friends and any disagreements were solved by the discreet sending of letters as apposed to a face to face confrontation."

I felt that this first paragraph was very good at setting the general scene for your story. I particularly like the "leafy, graffiti-free streets" description. I think that it's concise and succinct as an opening paragraph.

Overall I think that your prologue could have been longer, because it would have helped to set and arrange the before story events better.

The first chapter is looking good another description that I like from the first chapter is "His heart was pumping hard in the confines of his chest."

I think that if you can just extend the prologue a bit, beefing out the detail, you'll have a great story on your hands.

Nice Work

Thanks for your comments, they are much appreciated.

As for the grammatical/spelling errors I can only say that the whole thing was written in a bit of a hurry although I'm sure that dosn't count as a valid excuse...

I agree totally concerning all of your critisisms about calling the character XXXX, it will be changed.

Hopefully I can write some more soon!!!