Warp and Woof (howhemakesmefeel)

Brad,

What a heap of tripe. Trying to be experimental, by studying a dictionary isn't art. Words of advise- learn how to write meaningful poetry, poetry that everyone can appreciate. The metaphor- pathetic. It would have had the same impact had you just written about shep the dog. Sounds strangely like the lyrics of a Leonard Cohen song- but even he made since.

I know this critique well in no way benefit you growth and progression as a writer, but I felt it had to be stay.

Anyway, I await the next installment of Chiniophobia with eager anticipation.

Yours,
E. M. Millington Synge- aka Parker C. Penne

Ah-ha: Brad the Bard stikes again.

It's an interesting poem; I don't get it all, but then my perception skills aren't exactly ninja, so that's not too much of a worry. This:

The rattlebrained and barely sane creators
gather squarely on this space, take stage in phases.

is beautiful! Even if I didn't get the idea, the subtle illiteration and especially the internal rhyme of the first line are spine-tingley kind of work. Excellent.

I like the rest of the stanza, but "whispered prisms" really didn't do it for me. It wasn't quite thought-provoking enough to make up for sounding so blah.

Hose the rosebuds.

That made me laugh and nod thoughtfully, as good lines should. Loved the second stanza.

Wonder is a word with wheels and steel beams -- freely reeling.

Good, more than good, but taken one step too far: "freely reeling" just puts your foot over the line of excess for excess' sake, and it turned me off completely. I (think I) understand the point, but it's just not worth it.

Someone grizzles up a cough.

Again, much liking.

on expressionism, laughter slims his say.
A smoker throws a Wallbanger his way.

Ooh... I'm not sure. It's hard; a nice line, but "say/way" is just so overt, it's almost painfully after such a subtle scheme throughout most of the poem. Eh, I don't know - think about it.

Vodka and rocks cobblestone the tender.

Great finishing line!

Well, I liked it; there were parts I didn't quite understand, but they pulled off the trick of making me *want* to understand them because they were so beautifully phrased. The discreet rhyming and meter was lovely, in my humble opinion.

Keep it up! Look forward to more.


Oh yes, and...

One note - this:

know this critique well in no way benefit you growth and progression as a writer

means that you DON'T POST IT. Simple, eejit; if it's not constructive (which it ain't) don't say it. Just because you're not equipped to understand, appreciate or critique it *doesn't* make it bad, it just makes you below its level.

Final thought - poetry that "everyone can appreciate" loses a lot by pandering to the lowest common denominator: it's not a thing a person should try for, it's one they should actively avoid.

Wow, Incan, this is such a great example of your outstanding ability to use language. The sound of poetry is one of the most important aspects of the art, something many users here (including myself) would do well to note.

backgroundbob wrote:

on expressionism, laughter slims his say.
A smoker throws a Wallbanger his way.

Ooh... I'm not sure. It's hard; a nice line, but "say/way" is just so overt, it's almost painfully after such a subtle scheme throughout most of the poem. Eh, I don't know - think about it.

I agree with bob here. As most of the sound connection here is due to assonance, this sudden appearance of rhyme was odd.

Wonder is a word with wheels and steel beams -- freely reeling.

I didn't think this line was overdone at all; in fact, it's one of my favorite lines. Beautifully whimsical, clever imagery.

This is one of those poems that makes me say, "@$%# I want to be able to write like that."
Colleen