Leaving Home

The darkness surrounds me,
And everything’s black,
And the people around me are grey,
And I find myself thinking,
When can I leave this,
When can I find my own way,

With the trees whispering gently,
And the breeze plaiting my hair,
I make my way forward,
Away to the future,
Where the colours are vivid and fierce,

And I trip and I stumble on unhappy rocks,
And my feet are complaining so loud,
But my mind drives me forward, pushing and yelling,
And finally I’ve left my yard,

So I’m out on the road now and I’m tired and I’m hungry,
And my pride gives my ego a shove,
And the stars are all twinkling, grinning and mocking,
And to me they all look so smug,

The road is a dark sea of tarmac,
And empty crisp packets float by,
The wind is harassing and the trees look so cruel,
And the crow laughs because I can’t fly,

So I think I’ll head home now,
But I can’t slam the door,
Because they mightn’t know I’ve left again,
The door squeaks, I gasp, my Mum turns around,
And now I’ve been sent straight to bed.

First off i would like to say that i am not really a fan of poetry. I dont really know why i'm in the poetry section. I just fancied a change. So please dont get annoyed if i dont grasp what you were trying to do.

Right a citique. I think that you use 'And' Far too often. I dont know if overusage was intended but if it was i dont think it worked. By my count you use 'And' 14 times out of 30 too start a line. This seems far too much. I think that if it was intended then you should make it more of an consistent structure.

I'm not sure i like 'And my feet are complaining so loud' i know poetry is not always grammatical but this seems too childish though i think i understand that the narrator is a child.

I know i've not said any good things so far but the poem did seem competent but did not seem too brilliant. I liked the lines
Away to the future,
Where the colours are vivid and fierce,

If you have any questions please PM and i'll do my best too answer

I like this, it's kind of a childish, singsongy, Shel Silverstein-esque rhythm, but I like it. It works, because if the poem is about a child experimenting with running away, it shoud be a little childish.
I love how the beginning sounds like an angsty teenager, but by the end, the speaker is being packed off to bed by Mom.

The darkness surrounds me,
And everything’s black,
And the people around me are grey,
And I find myself thinking,
When can I leave this,
When can I find my own way,

Six lines. Not good, when the rest is four, the rhythm demands four. The rhythm for the first four lines are good, the rhythm works, but the two extra lines, not so much. Re-work the whole thing, no matter how hard it is. The first stanza has to be perfect. It helps cover deficiencies elsewhere (not that there are any...) Also, about the last two lines. It's okay to leave the first question without a question mark, because the question is continued in the second line. However, the second line does need a question mark.

And I trip and I stumble on unhappy rocks,
And my feet are complaining so loud,
But my mind drives me forward, pushing and yelling,
And finally I’ve left my yard,

This whole stanza has a great rhythm, until the last line. Some poems need a short, fragmented last line for emphasis, in this poem, the emphasis lies in the rhythm. Try "And it drives me out of my yard," or, "Til I'm finally out of my yard," or something like that. Say the stanza out loud to yourself, and see what else would work in that line.

So I’m out on the road now and I’m tired and I’m hungry,
And my pride gives my ego a shove,
And the stars are all twinkling, grinning and mocking,
And to me they all look so smug,

The first line is too long, messing up the rhythm again. Try "I'm out on the orad now, tired and hungry," or something else. Again, just say it out loud, see what you come up with. The rhythm is all-seeing, all-knowing, omniscient. Do what it tells you to do.

So I think I’ll head home now,
But I can’t slam the door,
Because they mightn’t know I’ve left again,
The door squeaks, I gasp, my Mum turns around,
And now I’ve been sent straight to bed.

This whole stanza is out of rhythm. Re-work it. Try something like
"So I think that I will head home now,
But I mustn't slam the door,
They might not yet know that I've left again-
The door squeaks and Mum turns around."

You could really leave it there, let the reader imagine what Mom is going to do to the speaker, but you can re-work it so that being sent off to bed is in there. Whatever you do, watch your rhythm, and keep it to four lines.

Hi, bubbles5,


I don't see how the premise in S1 is resolved in any fashion by the end of the poem.

In fact, that's an adequate summary of the rest of the piece as well. Almost every strophe takes on a different rhythm--a sure sign of amateur's work--and discusses something only loosely connected to the premise. By the end of the piece, you have only successfully pulled off uninteresting navel-gazing and prosaic lines I suppose you thought sounded profound ("And my pride gives my ego a shove, / And the stars are all twinkling, grinning and mocking, / And to me they all look so smug").

Trash this and find a muse that isn't so self-obsessed.


All the best,
Brad