The Secret I Could Never Tell

As you saw me fall,
You called me an angel,
No you knew the truth since I never recall,
My life was hard keeping this secret.
As our lives couldn't be spared,
If the secret got out death would be apon us.
I nkew the truth was deathening,
That my dear friend is why I left.
The truth beneath me,
Threatens us every day,
Threatens me to tell my life secret.
As our lives couldnt be spared,
If the secret got out death would be apon us.
So now that the time has come,
To save you as you've saved me,
Im telling my hearts secret to the world.
The secret that will now bring me to my death,
You promised to stay by my side till that time departs us.
You promised to come with me to heaven or hell,
Never to be seperated.
Im sorry to say I can't let you come,
I must sacrifice myself to save you,
The secret of my life is,
I love you.

shmegan bob's back wrote:If the secret got out death would be apon us.
I nkew the truth was deathening,

"apon" should be "upon". "nkew" was probably just a typo, but it should be "knew.
"Deathening" isn't a word...

shmegan bob's back wrote:That my dear friend is why I left.

It should be, "That, my dear friend, is why I left."

shmegan bob's back wrote:As our lives couldnt be spared,

"As our lifes couldn't be spared.

shmegan bob's back wrote:If the secret got out death would be apon us.

"If the secret got out death would be upon us."

shmegan bob's back wrote:So now that the time has come,

????? "now that the time" Can it be, "Now the time has come" ?

shmegan bob's back wrote:Im telling my hearts secret to the world.

"I'm telling my heart's secret to the world."

shmegan bob's back wrote:You promised to come with me to heaven or hell,

Should Heaven and Hell be capatilized?

shmegan bob's back wrote:Im sorry to say I can't let you come,

"I'm sorry to say"


Umm..it was wierd...a bit confusing.

Ryan

Well, there is all the grammar and puncuation errors that Disko pointed out (nice pick up, by the way).

But, while I was reading it I felt like I was reading a letter to someone--not a poem. It's kind of a bunch of sentences with an enter button hit in the middles of them, and even those were a little confusing and some parts (like...why it's going to literally end your life, for example) remain unexplained enough for the reader to go, 'huh?'. It's just hard for me to see it as an actual poem.

It is a nice idea, though.

Also, please read the posting guidelines before posting anything else on the site.

Happy Editing,
WM

Hi, shmegan bob's back -


You might start by asking yourself, "What makes this character interesting in a way that might also be interesting to my readers?"


Best,
Brad

There were alot of punctuation mistakes, as already pointed out, but the thing that got me is that it, to me, felt like it was a bit choppy, sort of like scattered phrases. Also I can't find the plot and the last line "I love you" and stuff like that seemed sort of cliche.

That said, I probably would have written worst, I am usually better at seeing flaws in others than my self.

Although this poem was a little strange I did like it. I like the first three lines the most because that act as a kind of introduction to the atmosphere of the poem. You read them and immediatly you know that this is going to be kind of sad. Mostly I just like the idea of the poem and the mood it creates

I love the ending of this, but the beggining is a little sketchy. Also(and I know this happens a lot in poetry) you repeated yourself a lot. I'm not just talking about the lines that you repeated, I'm also talking about using the word "secret", and "death" and "upon" too often. If you could take some of those out and maybe even find another way to repeat it? That could work out.

Other than that, run this through spell check, and check your punctuation as you edit your lines. Maybe even part your lines so that the format looks cleaner? Great start!:)

Keep at it!
~Rieda

Erm...it was...different. I liked it and all, but I didn't really FEEL it. You know? Also, you also have quite a few spelling, punctuation, and grammar errors.

My suggestion: Again, proofread before posting.

Other than that, it was an enjoyable read. tootles!

*~AqUaRiUs AnGeL~*