Young Writers Society

In the dark room, trapped in, fearing the dread,
A shadow forms, in the corner adjacent of myself.
No details of the shadow appear, just the darkness that it holds,
And all that it does is stand there, waiting for it’s move.

It stands there, and I feel it’s blind eyes looking into my soul.
The fear in my throat lump into the shape of a rock.
Hard, deep, dreadful feeling of the fear,
And the movement of the shadow begins the worse.

The shadow has no legs to walk, yet it glides across.
It has no mouth, yet I hear it’s wailing moans.
It has no ears, yet it hears all in that room.
It has no life, yet I see it, walking straight for me.

Darkness. That’s all I see around the shadow.
No light, no life, nothing is created in the dark room.
But, the shadow blends, the outline getting darker.
Until the shadow vanishes, right before my very eyes.

My eyes scan the room, looking for any clues the shadow left behind.
Nothing. Nothing is left, nothing is there, nothing is everywhere.
Panic begins to cloud my mind, sweat dropping from my forehead,
And all I can feel is the shadow’s breath go down my back.

It’s breath brings shivers down my spine,
It stops my heart, skipping beats every breath it brings.
It’s breath is as warm as the glistening sun,
And all I can feel is the cold a winter’s day brings.

I begin to shake in fear, begin to look for an exit, a sort of light.
Nothing. Nothing is there to help, nothing to help me leave.
I feel the shadow’s touch, cold as ice,
And I feel the darkness surround me.

I feel my body go completely numb, the fear leaving my soul,
And my mind begin to go free of the thoughts.
It’s white eyes turn red, a mouth smiling maliciously towards me,
And everything goes black.

The shadow’s wishes in that dark room still loom over,
And I am now part of the darkness it has begun so long ago.

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The first poem I put on this website XD Hooray for me!
Ahh... I don't think it's good. What do you think? ((Honestly, I whipped this up in 5 minutes XD))

Wow...this was pretty good! *welcome to the site, by the way.*
First of all, you had a few typos and some strange sentences:

It stands there, and I feel it's blind eyes looking into my soul.
The fear in my throat lump into the shape of a rock.
Hard, deep, dreadful feeling of the fear,
And the movement of the shadow begins the worse.

The second line; the fear in my throat lumps into the shape of a rock. Add the 's' to 'lumps.' Just a minor thing. Also, the last line: "And the movement of the shadow begins the worse." ??? What does that mean? If it's a typo, it's one I can't fix.
Also, you repeat the word 'fear' in the second and third line. You might consider finding a different word, as the repetition is...well, repetitious.

I'm not really a poetry expert, so I don't pretend to know the intricacies of your lines, and be able to point out the problems. You'll have to find a different 'young writer' for that. Overall, however, I enjoyed the poem. Good job.
Yours always,

I think the above caught some stuff I wished to point out... you should read over it a little, there are several verbs out of the right tense.

You have a pattern of four lines, then end on two. Why? Also: The poem, I suppose, was probably trying to give me a feeling of fear, but rather I just felt you used too many words for the single idea. There is a certain 'way' to make the reader feel something. read over your favorite books of poetry, or even stories (poems and stories are more interconnected than some realize) How do they make you feel? Through the senses, I assume? Making yourself part of the narration confuses us, you end up telling us a lot of the things and so we have no fear for the shadow. That is another point I had, your narration is kind of loose at points, and I get confused what you are talking about...

I think it may be better if shortened and made more concise, but otherwise its kind of a story in verse form, isn't it? What beyond that makes it poetry? Thats something people don't pay attention to, poetry isn't anything in verse, there is always something to it, be it that the language is prettier than normal or that it rhymes.

((Honestly, I whipped this up in 5 minutes XD))

Just as a side note, give us your best, not your work of five minutes

Hope I helped. If you have any questions, PM me.

Mkay, so again with the shadow thing lol. Methinks you like shadows and demons...

Anyways, first of all I think you need to say what the shadow is, like what it stands for so we can know why exactly we're supposed to be scared of it...because right now it's kind of like oooh a shadow how scary. Give the shadow some depth, ya know (at least as much depth as it is possible to give a shadow lol)

There are some spots in here that are confusing and where there are commas there that I think don't need to be there. (I have a problem with that too. Me and commas get along well together.)

Overall though, this was definitely a pretty good write, and as with the others I'm sure this could be transformed into something absolutely amazing with some extra work on it (more than five minutes extra lol.) Anyways, good job with this and the others, and good luck with your writing!!

Ok. Lets begin to enter my own lilttle world of mind and i will find my oppeninon of your poem somehwere. Oh yes here it is, under my pillow. This poem i had to think on for several days. I am surrious if you are going through a depression when you were writting this. Or are you tring to just get attention. Does this poem has some serious meanning or is it just a heap of words. Poetry to mean, has a hidden mening hidden for the reader to find. Poetry should make thge reader want to dive into the poem and explore it. This poem just makes me want to go hide under my bed.


Ok, if that does not make sence up there, here is a simpiler version.

TURN THE CREEPY-METTER DOWN ABOUT 5 NOTHCHES.

Oh, wow. Goosebumps, drowns!
I like your style, it's kind of like a snake in the sense that it swings words gently back and forth, back and forth until BAM!- you've got us in your grip. That's really cool!

Here, once again, I must disagree with DragonWriter. It needs the spookiness, and all the spookiness it can take- the "lulling" motion enhances this.

Stanza #3 is my favorite, but the last line is kind of awkward, "walking straight for me". I suggest you re-phrase that with a creepier adjective.

This kind of reminds me of Poe's "The Raven", which I love. Good work, keep it up!