Human Trafficking

You offer a quick nod to the passer-by;
your humanity obliged to acknowledge
the humanity in another.

Racing down florescent subway tunnels,
you divert your eyes to watch the
flicker of harnessed electricity spark
into an intangible streak. And here,

surrounded by this welded frame of steel,
you hide, blanketed in inertness, since
the souls that beckon for solidarity are hushed
into silence by the hustling traffic.

You subsist in a continuous state of upheaval,
because the solace you seek is readiest in bars. Also,
given that there, the only consequence sloshes in beer bottles
and your basement flat reeks of your loneliness.

Iron horses race down florescent tunnels,
you sit, diverting your eyes to watch the
flicker of harnessed electricity spark
into an intangible streak, and here

I think you need to use a period somewhere in there. Perhaps after "tunnels" or really, anywhere. It's rather like a run on.

Subsisting on a continuous state of hangover, you are sustained
because the shadows are more comforting in bars,
because here, meaning sloshes in beer bottles and
given the fact that your basement flat reeks of loneliness.

I think this verb is in the work tense, or the punctuation is wrong, or something, I can't get this last line to make sense in connection with the rest of the stanza.

Otherwise, I really have no comments on the poem. I neither like it nor dislike it.

Thanks for the crit on Yellow Pages, and now I shall comment on your piece.

I certainly had a lot of trouble understanding it. I think I was on my fourth read-through when I realized I wasn't going anywhere. The tone of hopelessness was very effective, but I couldn't place where it was coming from, exactly. Same for the images, but I think you could spend less time on those and more time on what's actually happening. I get that it's centered around the cars and this inability to escape, but my grasp on this one was a little weak.
It was almost like an image overload, like a TV flashing two hundred pictures a minute; each one is beautiful but so fleeting they're impossible to enjoy. The poem here is like...each of the images has something to do with a certain topic, so you get the topic, and can remember some of the pictures, but not all of them, and maybe some of them are a little abstract.

surrounded by this welded frame of steel,
you hide in your flesh; blanketing your eyes in inertness,
for the souls that beckon for solidarity will be hushed
into silence by the breakneck hustle of traffic.

An example. Really nice images here, but who is the speaker addressing? Where are we supposed to visualize this?

The first and last stanzas were the best. They were insightful but simple enough to grasp the first time I read them and enjoyable the second and third.

I do have one problem with the last stanza. Chasing away the day or chasing away problems is rather cliche, especially when coupled with alcohol.

Colleen

Cameron--


I do not share the other's difficulty understanding the sequence of events. That said, even without necessarily "getting it," their comments have been largely accurate.

This reads like an overmodified, underconceived, clumsy narrative. Like the "frame of steel" your character careens down the highways in, this is largely architectural. You have given us imagery, metaphor, and perhaps a decent ending--but these things are like furniture and paintings in a house without a ground or walls.

You've got a lot fat-trimming to be doing as well. Plenty of the phrases and images in this are simply unnecessary, and despite the common lore that imagery and metaphor are good in abundance, they aren't.

Figure out your narrative--after all, what are your readers supposed to take from this? As it is, we don't take anything from it. It's boring, unmemorable and by the end of S2 clearly unable to writhe out of its stagnation.


Best,
Brad

I've modified my approach to the topic, and while it still might be lacking the "wow" factor, I hope it is a step in the right direction. Your thoughts?

Wow, big change. <--There's your "wow" factor. To clarify: I believe that I "got" this poem before, it was the what-am-I-taking-away-from-this part that was hard, and it's still kind of hard.

You've taken a lot off of this poem, but I fear the wrong parts have been removed. The old last stanza is gone. WHY? As Incan said, fat-trimming must be done, but I think you might've taken some of the meat with it.

Also, about the sentences (I think Claudette said something about one of them being too long)...they are all long and seem to drag on forever. Okay, I think there are only three sentences here, spread over four stanzas. That's kind of nauseating.

Colleen

given that there, the only consequence sloshes in beer bottles
and your basement flat reeks of your loneliness.

The entire poem is filled with bustle, the lonely humans surrounded by other lonely humans. Then here you come to a crashing end in a both physical and mental solitary state. I think it would've been more potent if you kept that isolation of just the mind, and the mind alone, in the feeling of this poem.