Ballad Of Maryling And Christian

This is a piece I wrote a year ago for my English class. Feel free to review.


Catholic Maryling,
An A grade student,
Why would she do such a thing?
At thirteen years old gave her heart to another,
Lovers not meant for this world.


Mexican Christian, fourteen by age,
Had never seen such a beauty,
But was forced to keep his love in a cage,
School came first, so he was told,
Lovers not meant for this world.


His smile as bright as a star,
Happy, loving, Maryling’s smile,
His photo Maryling never left far,
His photo she treasured, a reminder of him,
Lovers not meant for this world.


“Thirteen!” her father did declare,
Grabbing the photo off of the desk,
“Much too young for such affairs!”
Maryling promised to break up with her beau,
Lovers not meant for this world.

The choice was clear,
Maryling could never give up her darling,
Their relationship was now filled with fear,
What if their parents found out?
Lovers not meant for this world.

So a plan they brewed,
To meet at the canal,
They’d leave their families to feud,
Leave behind letters, leave behind fights,
Lovers not meant for this world.


Thunderous black waves,
Weed-chocked and polluted,
Tamiami canal, now the teenager’s graves,
Watery hands smothering them ruthlessly,
Lovers not meant for this world.

“Why have you left us?”
A mother in cold, dark shock,
“All of this just for childish lust!”
Another coffin joining a Miami cemetery,
Lovers not meant for this world.


You’ll never understand our love,
It’s subtle and yet so powerful,
It’s as pure and as white as a dove,
It’s what you can only feel for one boy,
Lovers not meant for this world.


If this realm won’t let us be together,
We will leave it behind,
That way we can love each other forever,
Without any arguments, without any strife,
Lovers not meant for this world.


Reality hurt like an open wound,
Reality that the two could not be together,
And so the end loomed,
Christian and Maryling, Miami’s Romeo and Juliet,
Were lovers not meant for this world.

Awwwwwwww, i'm not good with giving info on poems, it might have something to do with the fact that any poetry i write is for lack of a better word crap. back to the point. that was so romantic, as i read the first few paragraph things i actually thought of romeo and juliet.

Even you mentioned Romeo and Juliet. I'm curious: you said it was for your English class, were you supposed to write a poem relating to Romeo and Juliet? Because the topic its self is cliche (though I have written a poem about it, with a bit of a twist).

It wasn't all too bad, sometimes I think your language could have flowed better and if I picked out one thing I disliked the most it was the continuous last line repetition. It just got dull after a while, all I could think was: I get it, they aren't meant for this world, enough with it...

Sometimes the verses were confusing:

His smile as bright as a star,
Happy, loving, Maryling’s smile,
His photo Maryling never left far,
His photo she treasured, a reminder of him,
Lovers not meant for this world.

I understand what you are talking about it just doesn't flow right. I think you have a lot here you could slim down and cut up, make it shorter and nicer. Make it even more emotional than you already have it.

Another thing I thought was odd is the first verse was with the girl, the second with the guy, and the rest [as far as I could tell] was with the girl. Didn't flow right.

Anyway, hope this helps. If you have any questions, PM me.

Okay, before I start I am very biased, I dislike love poems with a passion, but this gave me some hope. It lacked the corny, "I will love you forever", "It was meant to be" etc... However I think that you should use different similes for things like "smile as bright as the sun".

By the way, I suck at poetry so what I say is probably really dumb.

Thank you everyone for your crits.

The poem was supposed to be based on Romeo and Juliet. (i wasn't to sure about the whole love thing myself at the time either!!)

It had to include certain things...eg. Similies and Last line repetition.

I agree that the verses were a bit messy, that's something I need to improve. Thanks again.
Alainna XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I quite like this even though it doesn't really flow as well as it could. Love the reference to R+J -I thought of them immediately
Bkwrm

Hm, this was very nice. I do have to say that the "Lover not meant for this World" part gave it a certain rythym. But it was sort of getting on my nerves. I don't know I'm sort of paranoid like that. Maybe a different rendition of that same line could work out? It just seems like you over used it once or twice.

Keep at it!
~Rieda

Wonderful! I was so romantic, I loved the first couple of stanzas. I didn't see anything wrong, but then again, I suck at poetry, so I don't know whats good or not. Sorry.

this was so sweet and romantic! You used repetition well, sometimes it can sound overly repetative, but you used it to your advantage here, well done!

Much love!

Meevs
x

Thanks for all the crits, I will come back to this when I'm feeling brave and re-do it.

Alainna
xxxxxxx

I wasn't sure at first if Maryling was a name or a misspelling of "marrying". The "Lovers not meant for this world" became a bit tiring after a while, especially since this poem has a good number of stanzas. You seemed to rely on it for making the point of the poem.

If this part were taken out, do you think the reader would get as much out of the poem? If no, think how you could incorporate this idea another way.

This poem didn't seem to invest too much in emotions. Maybe you could think of interpreting it into a short story?

soooo cute i really like this poem.
adorable.
happy writting!

some parts were repetitive

lovers not meant for this world

and it didnt really flow... but other than that it was good!