The Yellow Pages

Here, where the weather seldom matches the
name of the town, I look at the sky and
wonder what exists past the clouds. Sometimes
I think I see my face reflected there.

I think if I plunged my fingers into
the midnight pool, it might pull me in through
its teeth. I would slip unnoticed past the
constellations, right down to where the cold
hunger of it all meets the daringly
impossible. Sometimes I think I’d like
to try that, to be swallowed by something
I don’t even want to understand, and
sometimes I think I would do it, take the
opportunity to stop my own breath.

The first-person style you've incorporated makes the poem seem slightly sophomoric. I found that it fluctuated too much between insightful contemplations and "I thinks". This not only demotes from the overall presentation but its annoying to have to make the jump from interesting metaphor to juvenile fantasizing and back. Don't get me wrong, there is a lot of good stuff here, but I would like to see the transition between your personal fantasizing (i.e. "I think") and poetic devices become smoother. Take out some of the "I thinks" and substitute it with something less repetitive to start. Keep at it ,

Cameron

In response to your PM:

Here, where the weather seldom matches the
name of the town, I look skyward and
wonder what lies beyond the clouds.

I wonder if I plunged my fingers into
the midnight pool, if it would pull me in past
its teeth. Or, if I would slip unnoticed past the
constellations, right down to where the primal
hunger meets the daringly impossible.
Would it be bliss to be swallowed by something
I can't even begin to understand,
and given the chance, would I do it, take the
opportunity to stop my own breath?

I just skimmed this quickly and changed some things. I wouldn't settle for this revision though. This is just an example of how you can present a whimsical, intrapersonal topic without necessarily giving the reader a play-by-play of the narrator's thoughts. Without the "I thinks" the reader moves beyond a structured layout of thought into the conception of images that lead to the thoughts. In other words, the thoughts are formulated without necessarily being presented outright. Hopefully this helps. Cheers,

Cameron

Thanks, Cameron! I see what you're saying, and I'll definitely consider your revision while I'm editing this.
When I was writing it, the "I thinks" where probably there because I'm terrible at writing about abstract things, like the hunger/impossible stuff, so I tried to make it more personal to make things less awkward for myself as the writer. And it was an emo poem (although my friend pointed out that it's clearly not emo without the word "shards") so I'm pleased that it's potentially worth revision.

Thanks again!
Colleen

It's a pity there aren't more reviews for this. It is a fine piece. Not perfect, mind you, but you're on your way. I am in accord with Cameron on the "I thinks" -- they seem bulky and juvenile. Saying "I think," is much different from saying "I know," or even "I would like" -- usually poems work up to a point, and I cannot seem to find yours, buried beneath the indecisiveness.

There is much to salvage here, though. For instance: the first stanza is gorgeous. What an image! This in addition to the "plunging fingers," slipping past "constellations," and a "midnight pool" pulling you in through it's "teeth" -- those are all marks of good writing.

Keep at it, Colleen,
Lyndsey

I really liked this poem, but... for some reason, the last sentence seems like a weakness, in my opinion. I think it's the way you used "sometimes I think" twice in a row. The rest of it was really cool. It had a sort of cosmic feel to it.

I liked it.Your imagery was great. I really enjoyed the beginning, but I think I'd change "I look at the sky and
wonder what exists past the clouds".
as it's reminiscint of "Somewhere Over The Rainbow". (Or maybe that's just me...)
The second stanza is amazing, especially the first three lines. However, I would rework the last two lines as they are weak in comparison with the rest of your powerful words.