Rain

KingKamor · 2007-02-27T05:04:13Z

Well, I've had the idea in my head for this story for awhile... but I got a three-month long writers block after the first page and a half @_@. Anyway, I hope that you like it. (Rated 13+ for swearing and suggestive themes) Chapters one through seven are in this thread. 2/24/08: I've decided to stop posting chapters of this story. I'll keep writing the story and everything, but for me, the need to post every chapter makes me think that 'I have to' write rather than 'I want to' write. Thank you all for your comments and great critiques, and I wish you all good luck in your own writings. 8/22/07: I'll be posting chapters 8 and beyond in separate threads to make them easier to critique. Chapter 8: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post234532.html#234532 Chapter 9: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post238028.html#238028 Chapter 10: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post246008.html#246008 Chapter 11: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post254216.html#254216 Chapter 12: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post279349.html#279349 Chapter 13: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic25170.html ----------------------------- Rain ----------------------------- “If I were rain, That joins the sky and earth that otherwise never touch, Could I join two hearts as well?” --Tite Kubo ----------------------------- Chapter 1: Craig Selva The rain seemed to come down as if to poke fun at the people who wished for sunlight. It came down from dawn to dusk without stopping. Craig had always liked the rain, so he never wore a waterproof jacket or kept an umbrella with him. He tended to enjoy the pitter-patter feeling of water droplets on his face, so he simply never bothered with covering himself up. In fact, he preferred the rain over a sunny day every time. All he did throughout those gloomy days in the city were talking with his friends on the streets, maintaining his little "gang's" territory, and taking walks in the rain with his clothes saturated with the chillingly cold gift from the clouds. In a way, he, too, poked fun at the sun-loving people in the dark and disgusting city he lived in. With it’s faceless skyscrapers and endless rain, it seemed only fit for the rejects of the world to live. The sarcastic, smoking, drinking, high school dropout had once again found himself walking through the densely-packed sidewalks of the city with a lit cigarette between his lips and his hands in his pockets. Craig was a fairly tall seventeen year-old; about six feet on the dot. His short black hair was matted against his skull, and the rain cascaded down his thick locks in streams. He wore a dark brown trench coat and blue jeans along with dirty white cross-trainers. His mind had been lost in thought ever since he left his parents' apartment, and he had kept walking ever since. The roar of a passing truck jerked him out of his trance, and splashed an entire puddle of water onto his leg in the process. Craig mumbled several curses under his breath and shook out his drenched leg, and continued to walk. He didn’t care if he got wet, what he cared about was when. Only he decided when he was going to get rained on. To him, nobody else had the right to do so. Just as he started to walk on a crosswalk on an intersection, there was a flash of light overhead followed immediately by a blast of thunder. A few people around him cringed at the noise, but he remained unmoved in his renewed trance. “Well,” he said to himself as he spat out his cigarette into the gutter, “I may as well find a hotel for the night.” It wasn’t like he felt welcome back in that apartment, anyway. He stood under a bus stop’s overhang and counted the money in his wallet. Seventy three bucks. It was more than enough for a single night at a shabby hotel. Craig looked around and ran towards the first hotel to cross his sight. It was a simple hostel with a flickering sign standing on the front of it that read “Hotel: one night- $35.00”. It was run-down and dirty, but it would suit Craig’s needs, so he opened the door, which squeaked on the hinges followed by a small bell, and stepped inside. A bellboy was standing behind the counter. He finished talking to a small group of people and gave them a key. Once he saw Craig enter, he said, “Welcome, sir.” “Yeah, thanks. Do you have a room?” Craig said quickly, uncaring. “I’m so sorry, but that group just took the last available room. We’re booked.” “Crap,” Craig said under his breath, and promptly turned around. “Wait, I can call some of the nearby hotels and see if they have any rooms left. It‘d leave a bad taste in my mouth if I leave you out in the cold with this kind of weather.” He stopped just as he put his hand on the doorknob. “Fine, make a call.” He walked over to the counter and leaned on it as the bellboy picked up an old-fashioned tan-colored phone. After a few seconds, the bellboy said into the receiver, “Yes, I have a guy here who needs a room for the night, and we’re booked over here, so… yeah, just one guy… oh, really? Well, thanks,” he hung up and said to Craig, “Looks like a lot of people like you want to get out of this storm we’re having. I’ll make a few more calls if you’d like.” Craig said flatly, “Go ahead.” The bellboy made several more calls, but had no luck in finding a hotel for Craig. “I’m sorry about this.” “It’s fine.” He started to walk towards the door once again. Not once throughout his short stay did he change his expression. “Wait a sec. There may be a place with rooms, but…” “Just tell me where it is.” He said without turning around. “… Okay, then. It’s on Tune Street down a small alley between the video rental store and the pawn shop. It’s kind of hard to miss.” Craig whirled around, tromped over to the bellboy, and said angrily, “That’s a love hotel, smart-ass!” “W-well, there might be other singles like you staying there for the night, so--” “No way in hell I’d go in there by myself. I have an image to maintain around here! And if you think for one second I'll sleep in one of those disgusting beds...” He shuddered slightly, but maintained his angry look. Bellboy let out a sigh, “Fine, stay out in the cold, for all I care.” Well, Craig later found himself walking to Tune Street and sidling in between the two closed stores as stealthily as possible. If any of his street friends happened to be catch him walking there, his reputation of being a tough guy would’ve crumbled in an instant. Once he got there, he was at least relieved to see that it didn’t even look like a love hotel. It seemed only slightly cleaner than the hotel he went to earlier… and had no windows. After mumbling a few more curse words, Craig finally opened the door. Inside, everything was red carpet and draperies, shining hardwood floors, and chandeliers. It may not have looked like a love hotel on the outside, but on the inside, it looked just the part. “Welcome!” A woman, who looked like she was in her thirties, standing next to the staircase said. She had wavy black hair and wore a thick mask of make-up on her face. It was as if she was trying to hide the great beauty she had with a layer of dirt. At the most, she was mediocre-looking with the make-up on, but Craig seemed to be able to tell with those kind of things. The woman wore a red one-piece dress with black high-heels. “Oh. Are you alone? That‘s… rare…” “Yeah, I just need a room for the night,” Craig said with embarrassment. “It takes a lot of guts to come to a place like this alone,” she joked. “If you’d like a room, then you’re in luck. The couple that took the last room just left…” “Then I’ll take that room. How much?” He took out his wallet. “It’s usually forty-five dollars for a couple, but since you’re alone, I’ll cut it down to thirty.” “Awesome.” She grabbed the last set of keys on the montage of room numbers on the wall behind the counter, and said, “This way.” Craig followed her up the stairs all the way to the fourth floor. The smells that emanated from each room were too out-there for him to describe to himself. He was surprised that there was so little… sounds of activity going on throughout the building. He couldn’t help but ask, “Are the walls sound-proof or something?” They walked down the hallway as she said, “Yeah. It guarantees privacy for my customers.” “I had to ask.” “They all do their first time here.” She smiled jokingly as she turned the key to room numbered 406. The door opened, and they stepped inside to the brightly-lit room. “Hm. They must’ve left the lights on. Anyway, enjoy your stay.” “Yeah, thanks.” Craig said as she walked out and closed the door behind herself. He tossed the keys onto the queen-sized bed, and unbuttoned his coat. Underneath it, he was wearing a black t-shirt that read across the chest: 'I’m not crazy, just ask my imaginary friend Bob!' From his lumped-up trench coat, he pulled a box of cigarettes, and bit the tip of one to pull it out. From his left pants pocket he brandished a black lighter, and casually lit the cigarette. He puffed out a small plume of gray smoke. "Ah!" A high-pitched voice squeaked from behind him. He whirled around to see a girl, about a head shorter than he, standing next to the bathroom door wearing a white towel. She had long and wet dirty blond hair that went down past her shoulders and a somewhat petite body. Her dark brown eyes were full of fear and surprise. For the instant their eyes met, their senses seemed to fall numb. The cigarette fell out of Craig’s mouth and put itself out as it landed on the carpet. At the same time the two of them shouted angrily, “Who the hell are you?” -------------------------- I'll leave you hanging for awhile. XD

KingKamor

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Sun Feb 24, 2008 7:03 pm

KingKamor says... · Sun Feb 24, 2008 7:03 pm

read first post for announcement, please.

"I think it goes until it's done."
"Don't we all."

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Angel of Death

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Fri Sep 26, 2008 9:31 pm

Angel of Death says... · Fri Sep 26, 2008 9:31 pm

Hey there!

Well I just happened to be looking at your portfolio, just to find something to read and I picked this! The title is what really caught my eye. Its short and to the point but then you make it seem like so much more when you talk about rain in the story. This was really great and Craig is a very...unique character. Can't wait to find more about him. I hate cliffhangers but this was a good one. Laughed when I read it. I know you didn't post anymore of this story after Chapter thirteen but just because I am very conversational I'll just ask. How's it going with this story? Did you ever decide to continue this after Chapter thirteen? Are you going to get this published? Yeah if you ask anybody whose story I've critiqued they'll tell you that I can sure talk. But the reason for my curiosity is because I have so much respect for people who can write a large amount of chapters. Long ones at that. I would've have never guessed you had Writer's Block. I'll keep reading. Great Job!
-Angel

True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.

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ashleylee

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Sat Sep 27, 2008 12:12 am

ashleylee says... · Sat Sep 27, 2008 12:12 am

Hello, KingKamor. I'm just going to do a chapter-by-chapter review since you posted all of your chapters in one thread.

Chapter One:

This was a solid beginning. It brought about a sense of pity for your MC because he was so lonely. But it also brought about a sense of amusement at the end.

I thought you did well but it kind of dragged at certain parts. My advise would be to pick up some parts, make them more interesting. For instance, the moment in the first hotel with the man calling and stuff...that was dragged out beyond what it should have been. Just leave it simple and to the point. That way, the reader doesn't get bored.

Chapter Two:

This chapter was better. I liked this one. But I felt you kind of exaggered at points with her bawling on the floor. Would someone really burst into tears at the sight of her boyfriend ditching her? Maybe...and yet, she seemed to get over it pretty fast with Craig being there.

My thing is that you need to make it more relatable and not so cliche. Right now, we know that these are the two main characters that will be in this Romance. Try to make it more elusive than that. Leave the reader guessing, you know?

Chapter Three:

There were a few cliches again, like the sunny weather and stuff. But I must give you props on the house you described. So cool! :cool:

It sounds like a scientists madhouse! Really awesome work!

I think that the only problem with this chapter was the lack of info. It was kind of pointless stuff you gave us. You need to make this chapter impacting to the whole plot. But I guess I can't really talk as I haven't read past this chapter....

So just ignore that and keep writing! :wink:

Chapter Four:

This chapter was good. I feel like the plot is slowly coming together as the story moves along. My only thoughts on this would be to try to tie more things together. It seems so ordinary talking about the a**hole, Nathan, and their social lives. I feel like you are missing something...?

I'm sorry. I bet that is super confusing and I guess you can just ignore that comment all together. The best bet I would have for you is to just read through it yourself and try to find what would be best to add, or cut out.

Good Luck with this!

I'll be back later to read the rest...

"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad

"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach

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Angel of Death

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Sat Sep 27, 2008 12:42 pm

Angel of Death says... · Sat Sep 27, 2008 12:42 pm

Hello again!!

I liked Chapter 2. Craig's character is really growing on me so expect to get a lot of comments from me as I continue to read. This story is hilarious and yet you kinda get a sense of reality. It just has that mood that makes you want to keep reading over and over again. I didn't find any mistakes but just to tell you right now I'm not that good with grammar and I don't think I ever will be-so don't take my word when I say there were no grammatical mistakes. The ending of Chapter 2 was what I really loved. Because again Craig's sense of humor was brought out and it was just a refreshing way to end a great chapter. Can't wait to read the next chapter.
Keep writing,
-Angel

True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.

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ashleylee

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Sat Sep 27, 2008 3:36 pm

ashleylee says... · Sat Sep 27, 2008 3:36 pm

'ello KingKamor!

I'm back and ready to read the rest of these chapter. I know you said that these chapters are like a year old but I can't help but read the rest :wink:

Hopefully I can still be of some help.

Chapter Five:

I think you are totally wrong about this chapter! This was my favorite so far! I loved how you refered to her life through her paintings. It really helped us see her in a different light. I thought it was really well done!

But I guess it's up to you if you want to change anything...

Chapter Six:

Your writing continues to improve as the story goes one. This was another one of my favorites. The dialogue between Craig and Amelia was flawless. Loved every minute of it!

I do have to say that the part with Allen with a fat-lip was kind of confusing. I thought Craig said that Allen shouldn't fight? But he did anyway? You might want to clear that up a bit, just so the reader understands more.

Chapter Seven:

Wow, this chapter was really good. I loved the idea of the Friday Night Music thing. Very cool :cool:

I think you should describe the scene with them running away more, though. I was kind of confused at that point on what was happening until Amelia started to fall. Might need to clear that up more.

Otherwise, this was really great. Your writing just keeps getting better and better. I see that you post the new chapters in different threads so I am off to look at more of them!

Keep up the good work, King!

"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad

"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach

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Angel of Death

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Points 2242

Reviews 695

Sun Sep 28, 2008 4:25 pm

Angel of Death says... · Sun Sep 28, 2008 4:25 pm

Hey King!

Chapter 3

I liked chapter three and how you made Amelia and Craig's life seem so similar but really they're living in two different worlds. I had only one problem, and that was Craig's house. It just seems too surreal and far out there, you know? Just a little bit more descriptions and similes here and there would be bring this down to earth. I'll keep reading, and yes, this story is addicting because its like nothing I've ever read. You're an amazing writer and I hope you don't give up on this. Its going to take me a while to finish this because I'm reading so many other's peoples books that its ridiculous. But I won't abandon this. See you again soon.

~Angel

True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.

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