Prince Akkarn - Chapter Two now posted.

I am actually writing two stories at the moment so each chapter may take a little while to complete and post on here so please be patient. This is a story I have been planning for about a year. The other one is just for the sake of writing so I will try to work more on Prince Akkarn than I will on the other one.

It is still a working progress so may take a long time. I might also change the title depending on how the story does turn out.

Enjoy.

-Jack

Chapter One
THE SOUNDS OF WAR





Prince Akkarn awoke to the familiar sounds of war, the echoes of the enemies cannons audible from the opposite side of the Kingdom. He rose and peered, bleary eyed through the window, the light shining onto his naked body. Squinting into the distance, over Balmoor Forest, the front line was visible. Flaming arrows leapt out of the trees towards the attacking hordes. The small figures were smothered by flames, some ran around trying desperately to put the flames out, others drew their hand cannons and fired at their attackers. But no matter how hard the enemies pushed, they were all killed.

“Shit, not again,” mumbled Akkarn as he saw the kingdoms enemy’s fall to the ground.

The day was already hot and sweat started to run down the young Prince's chest and forehead. He walked to his prayer box and opened it, hands cupped around his mouth he blew into them, trapped the warm air inside, thought his prayer and placed his clenched hands into the dark wooden box. His fingers slowly moved until they were as far apart as possible, then Akkarn quickly withdrew his hand from the box and slammed the lid shut, locking it with the pure silver latch.

Akkarn had prayed for the exact same thing everyday for seven years. He wanted the war to end, and peace to return to the land. He had never approved of Trin Sanoo Alacksa, The Great War, and his mother, Queen Demeeter, knew it. Akkarn and his mother hadn’t had a civil conversation for three and a half years. When they did talk it was only ever about Trin Sanoo Alacksa.

The Prince washed himself and changed into his disguise. He put on his white linen trousers and shirt, pulled on his white leather boots, tunic, mask and finally got his bright white sword form beside his bed and strapped it around his waist. Not one part of his skin was visible under the pure white clothes. Akkarn span around and faced the door as he heard the servant’s footsteps approaching. He sprinted towards the window and jumped outside, falling gracefully and silently to the ground below. He looked up at the window and waited a few minutes until he saw a face appear.

* * *

The sixteen-year-old servant walked towards the Prince's quarters with a rolled up parchment in his hands. The servant, Kirtap, didn’t know what it was about; all he knew was that it was from Queen Demeeter, and he had to deliver it to Prince Akkarn. He knocked on the door leading to the Prince's quarters, waited a few seconds for a reply which he didn’t get, then knocked again.

“Prince Akkarn, I have been given a letter from the Queen which I have to pass onto you. I was told it is very important. May I enter?”

When there was still no reply he opened the door and walked inside the spacious room. He looked around but saw no-one.

“Prince Akkarn, are you here?”

No reply. Kirtap walked to the Prince's prayer box and placed the parchment next to it. The servant looked up to Akkarn and sometimes dreamt about being him. They were the same age and were good friends, even though the difference in class was so great. Kirtap was the only person in the Kingdom who knew about Akkarn’s secret disguise and that it was Akkarn who was sabotaging some of his mother's war efforts. The servant knew exactly what Akkarn was up to today so wasn’t surprised that the Prince wasn’t in his quarters. He walked to the window and looked down upon the Prince.

“Hello Kirtap,” the Prince called up.

“Your mother had me bring you a letter, it is next to your prayer box. Try not to get injured. Last time it was a bloody mess! Anyway, good luck. I will see you when you return.”

In response Akkarn held up his hand and ran towards his pure white horse, Rentor. He climbed onto the saddle and rode off into the distance.

* * *

Rentor galloped across the bridge over Listin River and into Balmoor Forest. The horse continued to gallop through the forest and before slowing and turning east about a quarter of a league from the front line. The shouts of the Kingdoms men were audible over Rentor’s hooves and the explosive sounds of the enemies hand cannons.

The enemies were called the Shkaan and they had been trying to defend their country, Kreppin, from the Kingdom ruled by Queen Demeeter. The Kingdom had started Trin Sanoo Alacksa thirty-eight years ago. The lands had once been made up of dozens of different countries before Queen Demeeter had forced her army of Kal-Trentin to invade the surrounding countries, kill the leaders, and take the land for her. The people of the invaded lands ran, many ran to neighbouring countries, others boarded ships and sailed away. The only last place in the land was Kreppin, but that had been under attack by Kal-Trentin for over eleven years. The Shkaan, the natives of Kreppin, had retaliated with force and technology. They had invented cannons and hand cannons to defend the border and they had certainly worked. The huge bombs fired by the cannons had caused craters the size of villages and killed thousands of men.

The Shkaan were a sophisticated race with great knowledge. They looked human like but were far more intelligent and relied on their technology to help them win the war. They were ruled by a mysterious being that called itself Shantiti-Shack. The Shkaan were the only people to know their leaders true abilities and identity. They trusted Shantiti-Shack with their lives and even performed sacrifices to prove their loyalty. The sacrifices took place on an island just off the shore of the capital of Kreppin. The island was called Trynig, Claw.

As Akkarn reached the edge of Balmoor Forest he turned to a rocky mound just east of the front line. A tunnel was concealed between some of the rocks and he galloped into the entrance. He stopped Rentor and stepped onto the ground, then took ten paces forwards and reached into a hole inside the tunnel wall and withdrew a small metal and glass canister. He turned a small knob and a flame burst into life inside. The dark tunnel lit up in front of the young prince. Grabbing the horse’s reigns, he started to walk into the dark.

I enjoyed it. interesting.

I like the part were you switched the characters. but i would of preferred a little more information on who his kingdom were fighting and why.

but overall look forward to teh next chapter.

Don't worry. I will include those types of things in the next couple of chapters. It will all become clear.

Thanks for the comment.

-Jack

"Flaming arrows leapt out of the trees, towards the attacking hordes." - I'd miss out the comma.

"as he saw the kingdoms enemy’s fall to the ground." - "enemies" not "enemy's".

"Akkarn had preyed for the exact same thing everyday for seven years." - "prayed" not "preyed".

It was ok, nothing really happened, you just used this as an introduction to the story. This is good but it needs to have some action or events to make it better.

Looks like you need some critique!

Prince Akkarn awoke to the familiar sounds of war, the echoes of the enemy’s canons audible from the opposite side of the Kingdom.

Cannons I believe is the correct spelling. A 'canon' is something to do with music.

The small figures burst into flames,

Blimey! Instantaneous combustion! Get me some of those arrows! I didn't think fire arrows were that effective but maybe I'm wrong!

No matter how hard the enemy’s pushed, they were all killed.

Hmmm, doesn't quite sit well in the story. Try putting 'But,' at the beginning of the sentence.

The day was already hot and sweat started to run down the young Prince's chest and forehead.

Use the apostrophe if it is the chest belonging to the prince. Not sure about the capital letter either although I may be wrong. It may be that you use a capital when 'prince' is being used as a name. Can you find out?

Akkarn had preyed for the exact same thing everyday for seven years.

Typo. Just pointing it out.

He put on his white linen trousers and shirt, pulled on his white leather boots, tunic and finally got his bright white sword form beside his bed and strapped it around his waist. Not one part of his skin was visible under the pure white clothes.

I can see you're trying to stress the whiteness but you should really try to limit the repetition a bit. (Also, what's covering his head? You forgot the cliched mysterious hood!)
Also, you wrote 'form' instead of 'from'. That's something a spell checker won't solve. Always try to proof read first. Even better, get a friend to!

The sixteen-year-old servant walked towards the Prince's quarters with a rolled up parchment in his hands.

Need the apostrophe, refer to earlier note.

He knocked on the door leading to the Prince's quarters, waited a few seconds for a reply which he didn’t get, then knocked again.

Same again. You won't forget this next time !

He looked around but couldn’t see anyone.

Hmmm, this doesn't really sound right, Maybe: 'He looked around but saw no-one'?

Kirtap was the only person in the Kingdom who knew about Akkarn’s secret disguise and that it was Akkarn that was sabotaging some of his mother's war efforts.

The 'that' in bold should be a 'who'. Also, 'mother's' should have an apostrophe since it's her war efforts.

“Hello Kirtap,” the Prince called up.

I don't really like this. It's just my opinion but it sounds a bit odd really.

“You mother had me bring you a letter, it is next to your prayer box. Try not to get injured this time. Last time it was a bloody mess. Anyway, good luck. I will see you when you return.”

The repetition is a bit odd to read. I'd get rid of the first one (the 'this time') and it would still make sense. Also, the lack of exclaimation marks makes it seem to me like Kirtap is deadpan. Put some expression in either in the form of description or add an exclaimation mark after 'bloody mess'.

He climbed onto the saddle and rode into the distance.

Do you mean 'rode off into the distance'? It seems a bit odd as it is.


Wow, enough line-by-line critiquing, you have a fairly interesting opening. An interesting Main Character who doesn't like war althought that is a fairly contempory view.
I'm sort of hooked. I usually like openings which set enough unanswered questions to make me read on but yours wasn't that bad at all.
I hope to read more! Well done.

DarkLight

Thanks for your crtiques. I have made the changes you pointed out and I really appreciate the help.

As for not much happening it will get a bit more exciting in the next few chapters (I hope). I know the hating the war thing isn't very original, but it will go into more depth a little later on and may become a bit more imaginative.

I am also going to describe why the war started, who the Kingdom is fighting and more about the history of the lands.

Hope you enjoy it, I will try to add more chapters as soon as I can.

-Jack

Right.

I am nearly finished on Chapter Two and it should be added by tonight, maybe tomorrow if I run out of time.

I have also added a few extra paragraphs onto the end of Chapter one to make it slightly longer and a bit more informative and exciting.

Remember, all critiques are welcome and taken seriously. Please feel free to leave a critique at the end of EVERY chapter.

Thanks.

-Jack

I am slightly hooked to the story.

But you need to spice up the sentances. It is like
He did this. he did that.
i used to write like that and still do sometimes untill i stop myself and read over it.

-stephen

Chapter Two
SUNKEN CITY




Prince Akkarn had the light held out in front of him as he marched down the slopping tunnel that led in to Kreppin. Rentor was still walking beside the young prince, his white main glowing a bright yellow from the lamp. The sound of water drops echoed through the cave. Akkarn had been walking down the tunnel for about an hour when sunlight finally flooded in from the exit. His hands reached the knob and the flame flickered and died. He placed it into another well-concealed hole ten paces away from the mouth of the tunnel. The explosive sounds of the Shkaan’s cannons were deafening now and Rentor struggled to run away from Akkarn’s grip but he was holding tight.

The cannons out side of the tunnel were huge, metal tubes at a slopping angle. They were aimed at Kal-Trentin. Each cannon had about sixty shkaans operating it. The mammoth bombs that the cannons fired were sat in a trench behind the weapons. Each bomb was a perfect sphere about half the height of a fully-grown human. It took ten of the sixty shkaan just to move one bomb into position. The shkaans ingenuity was extraordinary. As the bombs landed after being fired, they rolled along the ground and exploded. This explosion sent hundreds of miniature bombs, known as minis, which were stored inside the shell of the big bombs. Once the minis hit the ground or embedded itself inside bodies, they exploded and sent pieces of razor sharp metal speeding through the air. One bomb could destroy a whole village, and it’s people. Most humans and many shkaan feared the bombs.

With the cannons behind them, Akkarn clambered onto Rentor’s back and rode alongside the Listen for about half an hour. He then turned off the river and came across a huge city that had been sunk down into the rocks. It was invisible until a few meters before the edge. All of the houses had been carved from the rock and the town was bustling with life. A huge cathedral carved from the stone stood in the centre of the city. After walking for about two minutes around the edge of the drop, a huge spiral slope was carved from the rocks and led down to one of Yana’s many entrances. Four guards were stood at the top, all holding spears, a sword around their waist and a bow with a quiver full of arrows strapped across their backs. The guard closest to Akkarn nodded at him to go through. He stepped onto the slope that had been dug into the rock and walked down the twisting path.

Another four guards were stood at the bottom of the slope along with a shkaan that looked about twenty. The young shkaan went to bow to the prince.

“Do not bow to me. I am not the prince of your people so do not wish for you to bow to me. I do not even like it much when my own people bow to me. Anyway, who are you? I haven’t seen you around here before! Where is Kohan?”

“Forgive me Akkarn. I am Dalim, son of Kohan. My father is busy with Shantiti-Shack so asked me to cover for him today. I do hope this is alright with you,” the young man named Dalim replied.

“It is fine. I would like to go to the showers to take a wash. Should I meet you at your fathers chambers?”

“No, would you meet me at my own chambers? It is just next to my fathers, next to the library. Would you like anything waiting for you when you get there? Maybe some food or a drink?”

“Ah, a drink of vlavif would be much appreciated.”

“Certainly Akkarn. I shall have it waiting.”

Dalim walked off towards the cathedral in the centre of the city and disappeared into a group of people by the stone market. Akkarn walked towards the showers at the edge of the sunken city that was closest to the Listin. The stone had been carved in such a way that water ran from the river, down a man-made channel, through some holes in the base of the channel and cascaded into the cities shower building. The showers were busy as usual but there was enough room for the prince to take a spot and have a wash. He stripped down and hung his clothes and sword on a stone hook.

* * *

Dalim arrived at the large building just opposite the cathedral entrance in the richest area of the city. He burst in through the wooden door and rung the small, high-pitched brass bell on the inside wall. Another door opened instantly and a small female servant appeared. Her beautiful green eyes starred at Dalim, waiting for her order.

“Lillith, would you prepare a small drink of vlavif for Akkarn? And please hurry!” Dalim demanded.

“Of course, sir.”

The servant was swallowed by the darkness of the doorway as she walked away. Dalim marched around the room, waiting for the young prince to return. He picked at a piece of wood that was coming loose from the large table in the centre of the room.

I wonder, thought Dalim, why the prince of our enemies is really helping us. It just doesn’t make any sense. Why would he betray his own mother, his own Kingdom to help us?

His thoughts were interrupted by the arrival of Lillith with a whole bottle of vlavif and two small vlavif glasses. The bottle contained a bright yellow liquid that sloshed about as the servant placed it on the table. She placed one glass in front of Dalim and another beside the bottle. Each glass was very short and had a small thin indent that ran around the top of the glass. Lillith bowed to her master and scuttled off through the door she had entered through.

A few minutes later there was a knock at the front door. Dalim stood up and walked to the door and opened it.

“Welcome Akkarn. Please, do come in. I have a bottle of vlavif waiting.” A smile swept across Akkarn’s face as the word vlavif was mentioned.

“Thank you, Dalim. I do love your vlavif. It is marvellous. Much better than any of the drinks in the Kingdom.”

Dalim picked up the bottle and filled both glasses to the rim with the drink. The two men moved their open mouths over the glasses, teeth into the indent, closed their mouth around the glass and tilted their necks back so the liquid flowed smoothly down their throats. Their hands never touched the glasses.

“It is a rather odd tradition. Why is it seen as unlucky to hold it with your hands? Why grip the glass with your teeth?”

“It’s unlucky because vlavif can burn the skin from your hands. We shkaan have discovered that our hands have an acid on them, the acid on our hands and the vlavif don’t mix well. It is a very painful experience. Trust me on this one. Look at this scar.”

He lifted his left hand onto the table and showed Akkarn a deep, red indent in between his thumb and forefinger.

“That was caused by vlavif! It isn’t pleasant stuff!” Dalim exclaimed. “So, anyway, what is it you are here for today?”

“Well, I need to talk to Shantiti-Shack. I was told by your father, Kohan, that I should arrive here today at the time I did, have a wash, if I needed one, and a meal then arrive at Trynig by midnight tonight. I am not sure why, Kohan just said Shantiti-Shack wanted to meet me there.”

“Do you know your way to Trynig? Or do you want me lead you there?” Dalim asked, curiously.

“Kohan told me he would take me there but as he isn’t here, I guess you should take me, if you don’t mind.”

“Of course I wouldn’t mind. I shall have a meal made for you. If you want to be at Trynig by midnight I would say we should leave in about two hours.” Dalim stood up and walked towards the bell and rung it again. “Lillith!” The servant appeared at the servant’s door again. “I need you to make a quick but tasty meal for Akkarn and I. Be quick please. We don’t have much time.”

Lillith bowed at Dalim, turned to Akkarn and bowed to the prince too before rushing through the door for a final time.

tell the truth. i enjoyed the first chapter by far. i just found this one a little bit of a chore to read rather than an enjoyable thing.

But then again that is my opinion others may enjoy it more than I

-stephen

I am sorry that it felt like a chore to read but Chapter three should be better. There are ALWAYS chapters in books that feel like a chore to read. Unfortunately, this is one of mine.

I would also like to say that I do have a map to go with the story but I can't attatch it to the post because the file size is too big. If anybody would like to see the map I will e-mail to you (If you trust me with your e-mail address.) The map isn't completly finished because I am adding things in as I need them.

-Jack