go on without me/tell me how it is

it begins with a
pool of vomit
from a girl's
mouth

mucus and saliva on her chin drip drip onto
a night dress soaked orange red
sweat on her face, a million
tears fears and insecurities
reached boiling point her
drink spilled over and all the
while freshman stare
digusted yet determined
to make the moment last

leave me alone she thinks but can't say
her body's dying and she's trying so hard
trying so god damn fucking hard
to look on the bright side, the right side
as everything around her falls apart and the bass
beats thump thump thump he doesn’t love you
he doesn’t love you friday’s going to kill you
he doesn’t love you
who ever could?
you taste of blood and spit and alcohol
you’re a drunk and a fake
you’ll never turn into anything worthwhile
remember when you were the loudest?
you loved college you loved life
your friends were many and so like you
these were supposed to be the best years of our lives
and now, and now you want out
how could you do it?

how could denise leave me here to rot all alone?
she’s off with some guy fucking in the bathroom
and these people these horrible,
disgusting people who i never want to meet won’t stop
looking at me
i hate her i hate her FOREVER just let me
clean myself up, get out on the floor
someone will take me home
it won’t be hard
i’ll dance, i’ll flirt
someone will love me tonight

If it had punctuation, I would come back and read it. Right now, its somewhat too hard to understand without the punctuation in certain areas.

tears fears and insecurities
reached boiling point her
drink spilled over and all the

See? Between 'point' and 'her' it seems like a completely new sentence, but there is nothing there.

So if you went through it and added punctuation to help my reading of it, I'd be more than willing to come back and give a more thorough critique Here is an article I wrote, if it will help: viewtopic.php?t=12474 I'd put it in a nice URL but I can't seem to get the BBCodes to work right now...

I thought this was well written and very good. It really seemed to get inside the head of the girl in the poem.

Whether intentional or not, I think your lack of punctuation really adds to the poem. It made me rush through reading it, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, I think it reflects how the girl is feeling and shows how all these thoughts are rushing through her head.

while freshman stare
digusted yet determined
to make the moment last
leave me alone she thinks but can't say
her body's dying and she's trying so hard

Here, after "the moment last", I think the rest should be another seperate stanza, to show the change in perspective from the observers to the girl.

LuckiestLoser wrote:I thought this was well written and very good. It really seemed to get inside the head of the girl in the poem.

Whether intentional or not, I think your lack of punctuation really adds to the poem. It made me rush through reading it, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, I think it reflects how the girl is feeling and shows how all these thoughts are rushing through her head.

while freshman stare
digusted yet determined
to make the moment last
leave me alone she thinks but can't say
her body's dying and she's trying so hard

Here, after "the moment last", I think the rest should be another seperate stanza, to show the change in perspective from the observers to the girl.

thanks. the lack of punctuation was definitely intentional.

I think punctuation is the least of your worries. This is just...a bunch of phrases. Of course, it's strong in terms of tone and emotion, but as enjoyable poetry? Very, very difficult. Try to make this a little less like a stream of consciousness and more accessible to the reader.