it's friday night and i feel like dancing

bass beats pounding in my head
i shake a meathead's hand
"have a good night alrite"
he looks into my eyes he says
everything's gonna be all right!

tell me is he a faggot

how about another round
we've had six
the others don't feel it
but i do
I FEEL IT
i do so much i stumble when i walk
to the bathroom, to the mirror
where i look and i see
another mirror

dance n grind in smoke
this place is a zoo
full of faces and
spaces and
loose limbs
tongues
fingers
under her dress inhale
exhale inhale
exhale

...and you're getting too handsy fuck off
sorry i don't care
fuck off
i don't care
fuck off
you're a bitch i don't care

(all i really wanted to do was fuck you)

thud
thud
thud
is this like the movies?
can't walk
can talk
shit but what for you're
a loser and a drunk
you're gonna puke you're gonna puke
the girl is gone and so's your hope of
not
being
alone (again)
you're gonna puke, don't
and the night is young

Please rate this "R" that's all I have to say for now, maybe I'll come back later

Cheerios, Chandni

*shakes head* This didn't do much for me. This is just a list of disjointed phrases. It does achieve a certain tone and feeling, but I couldn't visualize it and I couldn't really take anything in. What am I supposed to get from this? What should I take away?

Nice use of voice, but beyond that...too disjointed, nothing precise, no really good subtle points. It didn't speak to me.

Colleen

It was...interesting I suppose? Lacked the capitalization of "I" I think it had some spelling errors, had no general form and was very... unusual.

The only part of the poem I really liked was this part:

dance n grind in smoke
this place is a zoo
full of faces and
spaces and
loose limbs
tongues
fingers
under her dress inhale
exhale inhale
exhale

Except, it could have been punctuated, Which would help flow a lot in this poem, it needs punctuation with all the line repeats etc. It gave very good images and I could feel the club atmosphere. the I wasn't too keen of the 'n' ha ha.

Good try? I guess. Wasn't really poetry for me, though...

Chandni wrote:Please rate this "R" that's all I have to say for now, maybe I'll come back later

Cheerios, Chandni

hehe you're not very nice

dance n grind in smoke
this place is a zoo
full of faces and
spaces and
loose limbs
tongues
fingers
under her dress inhale
exhale inhale
exhale

Liked

Rest, needs work.

x