Hlafweard

Butter thy bread,
lather it in Lard,
sweeten it with honey
and clove.

Immerse it in hot oil,
and coat it a candy red;
bite deep into this apple,
and lick the bitter juices
from your fingers.

Why the archaic language in the beginning but not anywhere else?

What is "Hlafweard"? *is confused*

So. This is about an apple. Right? It made me think of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves (or Seven Doors as I would've said as a kid) but I really have no idea if that's what you were intending. I suppose the title would make it all make sense, but I don't know what the title means, and Wikipedia was unable to help. Is it a riddle? A word scramble? I feel stupid.
If it's about an apple, why the bread? Or is it about a meal?

Other than having no idea what this means, it's really enjoyable. It's kind of mystic and medieval. The last two lines: WOW. Really got me. Like splashing cold water on the face.

It kind of bothered me that the whole thing was one sentence. I would've made the first stanza one sentence, and the second stanza one sentence. Currently it sounds kind of list-like and dragged out. It is a list, but it doesn't have to be dragged out.

Great work! I'd just like to know some context...
Colleen

Yes, it is very much a work in progress. I had Incan look at it before and he said it was lacking in clarity. I'll try to keep the explaining to a minimum.

"Hlafweard" is an Old English word that means something in effect of "keeper of the bread" or "warder of the bread". It later morphed into the word "Lord". (Note the references to bread as in such beliefs as the "Body of Christ" being bread, etc.)

My main intention of this poem was that all these things (butter, lard, honey, etc.) have made the religion into something different from what it originally was (the "bread"). It has been morphed into an apple... which is a very common symbol for the fruit of the Garden of Eden.

EDIT: The "thy" in the first line is another reference to religion.

Okay, that's kind of long for an explanation, but I tried to keep it to the basics. And if you have any ideas for making it clearer or anything, they would be greatly appreciated! I'll take a look at structure. I think you're right about the second stanza. Maybe I'll make it two sentences.

The "thy" is still weird, though, because it's not in the last stanza.

In terms of clarity...the title is the first step. While it's fascinating to have a cool title that means a lot, if its in old English (and not on Wikipedia!), most people aren't going to know what it means. Perhaps you should have it somewhere in the poem, like this:
Oh, Hlafweard, keeper of the bread
No, that sounds stupid and not like your poem at all. But still, it would be neat to see the bread stuff explained. I didn't know this was about religion at all, and the transition from bread to apple was really iffy. I've always loved seeing apples in poetry. They represent so much.

Still, other than the lack of clarity, excellent work!
Colleen

Wait, so is this a metaphor if thy is referring to religion? I couldn't really tell the first time I read it through, so maybe you could somehow add another stanza that gives hints to what the first two stanzas mean (if it is a metaphor).

I really liked this besides the point that it the two stanzas were so different. They were reading around the same subject but it would have been more clear to the readers if the dialect was used throughout the whole piece and besides I really loved that first stanza and it would really "make" the poem if it carried through. Otherwise I'm not so clear on your meaning. The words blend well, but I'm not so sure if your really talking about the apple or if there is some deeper meaning. Just clean that up a bit and this would make a really nice poem. I liked it from the beggining to the end but I just wanted to make sure anything you meant to be understood by the reader gets its point across.

Keep it up!
-Rieda