Blue = Suggestion
Black = Review
*
Fifteen-year old, brunette Clara walked down the dead-empty sidewalk that bordered the dead-empty street connecting her small neighborhood to the town of Andrelana.
The beginning really threw me off. I think you could have had the girl walking before going into detail that she is fifteen and a brunette.
It was usually quite like this, but for some reason the soft fall of snow and yellow street lamps changed the feeling and created an erie atmosphere on Tenna Street.
‘erie’ = eerie
She started to turn back around, but a flicker of movement caught her eye, so she turned slowly to face the disturbance in her conscious.
Repetition of ‘turn’, maybe just: slowly faced the ...?
Only a cat, shimmering black in the pale glow, fished around a gutter for litter yet to be cleaned up. It flicked its tail in agitation for her sudden movement.
‘fished’ = fishing
And I’m sure ‘for’ is supposed to be ‘from’?
Clara’s heart[s]beat[/s] seemed to beat five times faster when she thought about all the horrible, possible things that could happen in the dark street, yet so close to home.
^^^ See quote
As soon as she started running, the driver honked the horn to a familiar beat.
“Andrew, you lunatic! You scared the living daylight out of me!” she yelled at the boy.
Would she recognize someone by their car honking? I don’t always know my sister’s one. And did he stick his head out the window for her to be able to see this ‘Andrew’?
Clara knew him as the comely boy who moved from across the street to across town.
See the repetition of ‘across’, it doesn’t really work well, plus it makes the sentence awkward to read.
Clara turned around as a shoked expression swept over her face and caused her to let out a dry sob.
‘shoked’ = shocked
*
Not really what I expected, so good job on making Andrew seem the friendly guy you’d never suspect of killing anyone (or thing). Though the beginning wasn’t very interesting, I thought it would be a typical ‘walking along a creepy street’ story or ‘silly girl terrified of nothing’, but it turned out quite different.
So, if you make changes, it would have to be the beginning. It really didn’t interest me. Avoid the repetition, especially when she walking and the car matches her ‘pace’.
Also, use spell check.
-- Myth
