Goodbye forever

Do not pay attention to my grammar or anything its only a graph ill revise it later.

Goodbye Forever

Your body is cold
Your face is blue
Your soul is sold
I'm still in love with you

To never hold your hand again
Is the hardest thing ive ever done
You were always the best of men
But for you there will not be any sun

Your buried in the soil
A tombstone on top of you
To me you were always loyal
I know you loved me to

Im saying goodbye for the last time
You were always so clever
But you will always be mine
Goodbye forever

Again, you say not to but I will:

"Is the hardest thing ive ever done" - come on, "I've"

"Your buried in the soil" - "You're"

"I know you loved me to" - "too"

"Im saying goodbye for the last time" - "I'm"


Ok, this was enjoyable but one or two of the rhyming words were a little contrived. There is no punctuation, adding some makes it easier to read. Apart from that it was very good.

I'm ignoring the grammar (and lack of punctuation! *falls over dead*) as strongly as I can, and it looks as if Ofour has already done some of the fixing.

It was a good poem, but it was unbearable to read. The rhyming was too forced, and made the whole poem feel very stiff/flimsy. Rather than creating a flow and beauty to the poem, it made it feel very robotic. I'm not exactly sure how you could FIX this though. You might need a second opinion, but it is very...stiff.

Out of everything, the first verse was the best. Though I still have picks at that, "Your soul is sold" the sound 'sol' only one word apart makes this line funny. "your life is sold" would work better? And the last line "I'm still in love with you" despite being the honest response, sounds cliche the way you have it.

It wasn't horrible, but the rhyming was just....blah. I'm not keen on it. Again, perhaps you should get a second opinion.

Revise the last stanza "Clever" has nothing to do with anything.

You seem to be a prizoner to your own rhyme, as if you just wrote the second or fourth line of some stanzas simply because you needed something to rhyme with the first and third lines. Try putting the same thought and emotion into a freeverse version of the same poem. I think it'll pay off.

The first stanza was good, but after that it completely deteriorated thanks to the rhyming. Don't give up on rhyming poems (though it's fine to experiment with non-lyric freeverse, and that would probably improve your poetry a lot) but work to make your rhymes more natural-sounding, less forced. Keep writing, you'll get there!