A beginning...

Thunder boomed as lightning raced across the darkness of the midnight sky. Rain poured upon the soot black tiles of the terraced houses in the street and pounded a steady thrumming beat on the cars. A deathly chill had descended and the warm globes of light in the street lamps seemed to be strangled by the elements that ravaged the street outside.

A few faintly glowing lights, glimmered from the houses but any sounds which may have come from within were drowned out by the lashing rain.
Suddenly, the rain stopped. The wind abruptly finished its constant howling and the temperature dropped lower still. Cars near the centre of the street slowly paled as frost coated them with an icy shell.

Street lamps dimmed, flickered and then went out completely. Even the glows from inside the houses were snuffed out, one by one. A dog howled a mournful cry in the distance and the mood of the street changed.


It was then that the sky tore open.

That was very good, if not a bit short. It really made me want to see what happens next.

DarkLight wrote:Thunder boomed as lightning arced across the darkness of the midnight sky.

I think you mean raced.

DarkLight wrote:It was then.
Then, that the sky tore open.

Something about that doesn't flow. I think you should just put "It was then that the sky tore open" or something like that.

Overall I thought that was great. It really gave me a mental picture of what was going on. If I read that at a library or bookstore I would definitely want to read more.

Thank you very much HeadInTheClouds, I'm sorry that I haven't written enough but it's a bit of a work in progress. I've made the changes that you highlighted and feel a bit silly about the typo at the beginning . I'd like to add a bit more that I've written on to the end.

A jagged cut tore through the air in the middle of the street and brilliant white light streamed out of it. It was not a clean slice, but a ragged hack through the air that hung a good six-foot off the ground. Fiery light bled from the wound in the sky like a liquid, spilling out and running around it. Clinging on, never dripping.

The frost on the cars vaporized almost as soon as the cut was made, tearing free of the cars with a sudden whooshing sound. The streetlamps exploded back to life and blazed out across the street, illuminating the city. The heavens opened and the rain started a renewed assault, but with a difference. As soon as the drops of water hit the ground around the cut they boiled and disappeared, subject to the heat of the raw energy pouring from it, turning, almost instantly, to steam.

An unearthly sound screeched through the cut, as it got larger, tearing open, like the mouth of a child wailing in agony. The screech rose an octave and a low rumble joined it. The humming was so deep and loud that it shook the street and car alarms started yelping in terror, mere fleas to the noise around them.

Without warning, the cut’s cry of anguish fell away and the light dimmed. The fire in its heart burnt lower and shadows could be seen swirling through it. They were falling, falling inexorably towards the street.
Then the awful shriek returned, this time at a climax. For a moment, the sound even sounded like a song, but that moment passed and the cut retched.

Out of the now blazing maw, eight people fell. All dressed in the same dark clothing, an ear of corn emblazoned on their backs. As they fell, some of the burning light fell too, burning deep gouges into whatever it touched. Each figure plunged downwards, one by one, rolling smoothly up to their feet in the same slick style.

They stood together, in an arc, and surveyed the cut as it died.

“This, my brothers,” a cloaked figure whispered, “is the punishment for failure.”

DANG!! Darklight, this is awesome!!

Even though, as a general rule, you're not supposed to start a story with weather, the sheer forboding of it all kept me reading. You have vivid description that gripped me and didn't let go.

Just a few things:

"Suddenly, without warning," is a redundancy.

"The streetlamps exploded back to life and blazed out across the street illuminating the city."
Comma after "street."

Please let me know when you post more!

Cheers! ~Shafter

Yeah... It was a dark and stormy night... ^_~

Other than that, I did like this. It's especially good that you end each exerpt you post with something different and just jarring enough--it kept me reading and I'm looking forward to seeing more.

Thanks Lilyy03 and Shafter. I've made the changes you suggested and I'll have a look at the beginning when I work out where this story is going . I'll post this for now and then try and write a slightly larger chunk soon.

On the other side of the cut a man had been running for over a year and at last he was cornered. His fingers shook slightly as he raked his them back through his long black hair, a habit he had picked up whilst on the run. As he looked about, he chastised himself for being so easily deceived. He was surrounded by solid rock; the steep walls of the canyon he had been backed into were dry and smooth. He was trapped.

“You are tricky to chase little fox,” a dark robed figure hissed, “but now you have been caught. No more surprises for us!”

At the sight of the shadowy robes he paled and felt his heart skip a beat.

“A soulwrath?” He thought, “I can’t fight one of them!”

For the first time in one hundred years, Reynard feared for his life.

Two men crept round the rock littered canyon floor towards him; their cruel knives glittered in the blinding sunlight. Small clouds of gritty orange dust danced around their footsteps before settling back down onto the rock beneath them. As they edged closer, their soft leather boots creaking in time with their steps, their quarry shifted his feet apart into a steady combat stance and drew his sword. He bent his knees slightly and raised his weapon into a high guard, the thin blade catching the brightest light, before spitting on the floor in front of him.

“Your lives for the cause,” he apologised as he broke the defensive stance and sprinted towards his attackers holding the rapier an inch from the floor.

Green = Comment/Correction
Blue = Suggestion
Black = Review

*

Thunder boomed as lightning raced across the darkness of the midnight sky. Rain poured upon the soot black tiles of the terraced houses in the street and pounded a steady thrumming beat on the cars. A deathly chill had descended and the warm globes of light in the street lamps seemed to be strangled by the elements that ravaged the street outside.

Try not to repeat ‘street’ so often, it is possible to write that paragraph without so many ‘street’.

A few faintly glowing lights[,] glimmered from the houses but any sounds which may have come from within were drowned out by the lashing rain.

I don’t think that comma is correctly placed, it breaks the flow but I could be wrong.

A dog howled a mournful cry in the distance and the mood of the street changed.

Mood of the street? What does that mean? Like the atmosphere or something?

The frost on the cars vaporized almost as soon as the cut was made, tearing free of the cars with a sudden whooshing sound.

This is probably just me and my own opinion but vapour is ‘watery’ and ‘whooshing’ is something linked with the wind element. Or you can just take it out, vaporising is like melting, right?

The streetlamps exploded back to life and blazed out across the street, illuminating the city.

Wow, exploded is so huge for streetlamps. How about ‘flash’ or something else?

I got the impression this was happening in just one area and then you involve the city, does it take place in every street at once?

The screech rose an octave and a low rumble joined it.

My Word says ‘rose’ should be ‘raised’ and I think I agree.

The fire in its heart [s]burnt[/s] [burned?] lower and shadows could be seen swirling through it.

^^^ See quote

Out of the now blazing maw, eight people fell. All dressed in the same dark clothing, an ear of corn emblazoned on their backs. As they fell, some of the burning light fell too, burning deep gouges into whatever it touched. Each figure plunged downwards, one by one, rolling smoothly up to their feet in the same slick style.

Again, avoid repetition of ‘fell’. And ‘whatever’ could be ‘everything’?

His fingers shook slightly as he raked his them back through his long black hair, a habit he had picked up whilst on the run.

Take out ‘his’. Good thing adding the habit, it gives a little impression of what he is like.

“A soulwrath?” He thought, “I can’t fight one of them!”

These are his thoughts and it isn’t really necessary to have them in quotation marks.

Two men crept round the rock littered canyon floor towards him; their cruel knives glittered in the blinding sunlight.

Is this happening just after ‘the cut’ appeared? If so wouldn’t it still be dark? Or did you mean it was on the other side, meaning the other world?

*

Hello Dark Light.

Please, please make sure you keep your comments and the actual story on separate posts—it is annoying and I had thought they were part of the story.

Anyway, you have an interesting beginning here. I especially like the ‘cut’ and how it affects the surroundings around it—vaporising the ice, stopping the rain suddenly, etc.

You tend to be repetitious, it isn’t always bad but you do it so close together that it looks bad, if you know what I mean. And towards the end you do the same with ‘he’. Just start off with the characters name, sometimes it isn’t too great to have a mysterious character running and then throwing a name in later on and expect the reader to say, “Oh, so he is the guy running.”

Soulwrath. Interesting, I’m curious as to what part they play here. Is this still only the beginning or have you started chapter one?

Try to post long chapters, or if you have short chapters then post them together.

-- Myth

ok i ignored the rest of the posts but i read hitc. and all i say besides the typo DONT CHANGE IT!!! i want to know what happens next!! post more! POST MORE!!!

Thanks loads Myth and Author13, I've made the changes and I think it's got a lot better.

Thanks for the warning about too much repetition, I'll try to watch out for that from now on!

I guess I'll write a bit more now I have half term, I'll post the entire edited version after this one then go do some more critiquing .

Thanks everyone for your time.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Prologue: The Cut Opens.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thunder boomed as lightning raced across the darkness of the midnight sky. Rain poured upon the soot black tiles of the terraced houses and pounded a steady thrumming beat on the cars. A deathly chill had descended and the warm globes of light in the street lamps seemed to be strangled by the elements that ravaged the city outside.

A few faintly glowing lights glimmered from the houses, but any sounds which may have come from within were drowned out by the lashing rain.
Suddenly, without warning, the rain stopped. The wind abruptly ceased its constant howling and the temperature dropped lower still. Cars near the centre of the street slowly paled as frost coated them with an icy shell.

Street lamps dimmed, flickered and then went out completely. Even the glows from inside the houses were snuffed out, one by one. A dog howled a mournful cry in the distance and the mood of the street changed.


It was then that the sky tore open.

A jagged cut tore through the air in the middle of the street and brilliant white light streamed out of it. It was not a clean slice, but a ragged hack through the air that hung a good six-foot off the ground. Fiery light bled from the wound in the sky like a liquid, spilling out and running around it. Clinging on, never dripping.

The frost on the cars vaporized almost as soon as the cut was made and tore free from the cars before spiralling into the air above them. The streetlamps flared back to life and blazed out across the street. The heavens opened and the rain started a renewed assault, but with a difference. As soon as the drops of water hit the ground around the cut they boiled and disappeared, subject to the heat of the raw energy pouring from it, turning, almost instantly, to steam.

An unearthly sound shrieked through the cut, as it got larger, tearing open, like the mouth of a child wailing in agony. The piercing scream rose to a screech and a low rumble joined it. The humming was so deep and loud that it shook the street and car alarms started yelping in terror, mere fleas to the noise around them.

Without warning, the cut’s cry of anguish fell away and the light dimmed. The fire in its heart burned lower and shadows could be seen swirling through it. They were falling, falling inexorably towards the street.
Then the awful shriek returned, this time at a climax. For a moment, the sound even sounded like a song, but that moment passed and the cut retched.

Out of the now blazing maw, eight people fell. All dressed in the same dark clothing, an ear of corn emblazoned on their backs. As they dropped, some of the burning light seeped out too, burning deep gouges into everything it touched. Each figure plunged downwards, one by one, rolling smoothly up to their feet in the same slick style.

They stood together, in an arc, and surveyed the cut as it died.

“This, my comrades,” a cloaked figure whispered, “is the punishment for failure.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On the other side of the cut Reynard had been running for over a year and at last he was cornered. His fingers shook slightly as he raked them back through his long black hair, a habit picked up whilst on the run. As he looked about, he chastised himself for being so easily deceived. Surrounded by solid rock; the steep walls of the canyon he had been backed into were dry and smooth. He was trapped.

“You are tricky to chase little fox,” a dark robed figure hissed, “but now you have been caught. No more surprises for us!”

At the sight of the shadowy robes he paled and felt his heart skip a beat.

A soulwrath? I can’t fight one of them!

For the first time in one hundred years, Reynard feared for his life.

Two men crept round the rock littered canyon floor towards him; their cruel knives glittered in the blinding sunlight. Small clouds of gritty orange dust danced around their footsteps before settling back down onto the rock beneath them. As they edged closer, soft leather boots creaking in time with their steps, their quarry shifted his feet apart into a steady combat stance and drew his sword. He bent his knees slightly and raised his weapon into a high guard, the thin blade catching the brightest light, before spitting on the floor in front of him.

“Your lives for the cause,” Reynard apologised as he broke the defensive stance and sprinted towards his attackers holding the rapier an inch from the floor.

it pretty good and i like the description, but a few of your sentences sound kind of strange to say

like in this sentance it sounds like you should say and instead of as Thunder boomed as lightning raced across the darkness of the midnight sky.

And you should make this into maybe two sentanses or put a comma between AND & THE because you switched to a different thought suddenly A deathly chill had descended and the warm globes of light in the street lamps seemed to be strangled by the elements that ravaged the city outside.

and here maybe you should say stopped instead of finished it sound like it was a race or something The wind abruptly finished its constant
howling

you spelt center wrong Cars near the centre of the street

other then that it all really good

lyndzi[/quote]

Thanks Lyndzi, I agree on your point about the wind 'finishing' but I like the other two bits and, personally, think they are better like that.

Unfortunately, you'll have to bear with me as I spell 'centre' incorrectly. This is because I'm British and in England the word is spelt 'centre'. That is just how it is where I live and if I get into the habit of writing 'center' for your benefit I'll get told off by my English teacher!

Thanks guys, working on Chapter 1. Still need more time!

DarkLight

You have good descriptions...but too much of it and the plot was kinda slow.

But I'm interested to see where this will head, this kinda reminds me of kindgom hearts from the robed men.

I also think that your intro was too epic for me, like it was too large scale with the sky tearing apart, but that's my opinion.

Looking forward to chapter 1

it was fantastic, the cut opens, prologue was really good.

I'm Interested. I want to know more.

Probably my fauvorite part so far.

DarkLight wrote:“Your lives for the cause,” Reynard apologised as he broke the defensive stance and sprinted towards his attackers holding the rapier an inch from the floor.

But I wouldn't call a rapier a good choice of a weapon. It's a dueling/fencing weapon. Maybe a cutless or longsword?

I will come by every now and again to see what is new.