Lycanthropy

3.21pm, 18th of May

Hi, my name is…well, you can call me Miranda and I am, as the French would say ‘le loup garou’. Meaning, I’m a werewolf. Now, now, no need to run away screaming or saying ‘she’s deranged, needs mental help’ or the like. I’m not mentally ill as I do not have lycanthropy, where the subject believes that they are a wolf or that they turn into one. I know that I change, simply because others have witnessed my morphing and that there are hundreds of others like me…sort of. There were also photos of me in various stages of morph, unfortunately. Which meant that we had to kill the photo taker and leave. Mother would have happily eaten everyone who knew us but I managed to convince them, and my baby brother, that such a large scale massacre would draw unwanted attentions on the sleepy little coastal town,
and us.

You may have noticed, or you may have not, that what you are reading is not what you ‘normals’ or ‘prey’ as mother loves to say, would typically think a lycan would write about. No gory mess, no mention of bloodlust nor even a hint of a fascination with mating. For me anyway, these things are in the background of my life, for others….well, the hunt, bloodlust and mating are major factors in their lives, what they revolve around actually.

I’m not an average lycan either, I’m one that was not bitten but Born lycan. This means that both of my parents have been lycan for a while and that they mated together, mother had to remain in one form for half of her pregnancy and in the other for the rest. This means that I inherited my abilities and my two sides are more or less in alignment. For most lycans however, those that are bitten, the lycan side overpowers their humanity until even in human form they think like the lycan and the bloodlust is with them constantly. As I’ve said, my lycan and human sides are perfectly balanced, both sides are always present in my life, no matter which form I choose to be. This means that when lycan I do not descend into the mindless frenzy induced by bloodlust that more often than not characterises my races behaviour, giving us our dark reputation.

As I’ve mentioned, we, my mother, father, brother and I, have moved inland to a lazy town called Winterfrost by our pack, it is bordered on one side by a forest. Harold, my baby brother, is as you might have guessed, a Born lycan also, much to our packs delight. Rarely do a couple stay together or wish to breed one Born, let alone two. Most find it easier to bite a pregnant female or rape a female while lycan and claim the child. The Bitten Born are classified if their mother was not bred or if she were human and lycan-raped. We, the Born are like royalty among the lycans, the Bitten Born are a little way below us and then there are just the bitten. Your average lycan are in the bitten category.

I call Harold my baby brother simply because he is pampered and treated like a pup rather than an almost-adult. He always glares at him when I call him my baby brother, for he is barely a year younger than me. Tomorrow we start at our new school, Harold and I. He is confident that everyone will love him and adore us by reflection to him but I am not so sure, there is a strange feeling about this town and I think that they are not so oblivious to the Wolfpacks stalking through their forest as the Pack likes to believe.


This is just the very first part, if you people like it, I'll post the rest but....let me know, okay?

Quote:
Hi, my name is…well, you can call me Miranda and I am, as the French would say ‘le loup garou’.
Firstly, space after the ellipses. Secondly, I recommend I making two sentences from that one. ‘You can call me Miranda and I am, (…)’ Yes, I think that the end should be turned into a period. -But seriously, wait until two more people tell you that before you change anything.

Quote:
I know that I change, simply because others have witnessed my morphing and that there are hundreds of others like me…sort of.
Space after the ellipse.

Quote:
Which meant that we had to kill the photo taker and leave.
Add an ‘-’ there?

Quote:
Mother would have happily eaten everyone who knew us but I managed to convince them, and my baby brother, that such a large scale massacre would draw unwanted attentions on the sleepy little coastal town,

Love this sentence xD
You have ‘mother’, and then ‘managed to convince them’. It should be ‘managed to convince her’, or change ‘mother’ to parents? ‘and us’ to the same verse as ‘coastal town’. Also, a bit down: comma after ‘prey’.

Quote:
well, the hunt, bloodlust and mating are major factors in their lives, what they revolve around actually.
You have four periods before that. If you want to use an ellipse, make a space after it. Because of the period there, ‘well’ should be capitalized. A bit down you have ‘Born’ capitalized. Was that on purpose?

Quote:
This means that both of my parents have been lycan for a while and that they mated together, mother had to remain in one form for half of her pregnancy and in the other for the rest.
Two sentences out of this. After ;mother’, a new one.

Quote:
As I’ve mentioned, we, my mother, father, brother and I, have moved inland to a lazy town called Winterfrost by our pack, it is bordered on one side by a forest.
Two sentences. Till the last comma, it is okay. What comes later should be separated,
Oh, and I just noticed that you have Born capitalized.

Quote:
We, the Born are like royalty among the lycans, the Bitten Born are a little way below us and then there are just the bitten.
Comma after ‘Born’.


The last sentence is a bit unclear. Split it up.


Okay, so that’s it. You have an interesting story here, you got me hooked, lol. I think you should explain the lycan hierarchy a bit more, though. Can’t say any more, because as it is just the beginning, there are obviously many questions to be answered, many descriptions to be written and many thing to be explained. Keep writing,

-elein

Okay, first thing that I'm sure anyone else would say, try to avoid info dumps right at the start. That's basically all this is, in my opinion. While all the ideas your presenting on werewolves/lycanthropes sounds interesting, it gets dull when there's no story. You only start the story at the last paragraph.

Another reason why this passage is an info dump is because I get very little idea as to the personality of Miranda. It's just, information. Also, the first two paragraphs practicaly screamed 'Blood and Chocolate' to me. It's a book with werewolf characters if you're not familiar with it. I feared at first that this would be a rip-off, but fortunately for you it's not, at least once you get into it.

I'd recommend integrating this within the story, either the day before the first day of school (as you mention at the end), or during the first day as certain issues come up. Kind of story-info-story-info back and forth until everything neseccary has been told, then you can focus on the story and only give information when needed.

Nothing stuck out to me gramaticaly, though eleinasari did catch the ellipse thing. Story wise, there isn't really anything I can say as you really haven't gotten into it. This is all background. I do have to agree that the photographer bit was a nice touch, with how breezily she said it giving some hint as to her personality. The foreshadowing at the end also seems a bit obvious as to where the story's going, but I might just be jumping to conclusions.

Anyway, nice ideas, and post a bit more. I'm interested to see just where you plan on going with this.

Edit: Oh, and isn't the 18th of May a little late for the first day of school? Unless it is summer school.

This first section of your story was well written in my opinion but just as eleinasari said, there is way too much information way too fast. Try spacing it out by having your character doing something, if only a trivial something, while all this information is being given. As this is only the first portion (with only plot information) of what would appear to be a much larger story judging by the length of the opening set up, I cannot say whether it sounds good or bad over all to me.

Your presentation of werewolves is interesting... Though, I do think it'd be a better start for the story if you had a bit more action in there. It doesn't have to be huge or dramatic--maybe set the scene of them getting ready for school, and intersperse the information with some interaction among the family?

Though I do like that, although nothing really happened yet, that we're given a taste of Miranda's personality through the tone she uses.

oooh, I feel loved! ^_^ I so rarely get replies...maybe because I don't post much...>_>

First off, my apologies, I start all of my tales with info dumpage, giving the reader a hint at the personality and the plot lines, it's fun, especially when I just have the urge to write.

But my thanks! I'll post the second part on a new thread, since I've got people actually liking it, for once ^_^

I'd give you an answer as to -why- I put the date as the 18th of May but that'd sort of spoil the next part...so I wont, yet.

Cheers!

~Chibi

I'm not one for werewolfs, but you seem to know your stuff as far as legend is concerned. Try not to repeat yourself as often, and adjective are your best friend: remember this! ^_^ Use them to tantalize your readers and hook them in the beginning. Over all I give this story 4 and 1/2 cookies
~Capn't Six

I don't pick out mistakes or anything I just write what I think of the story. It's good. Got a bit of homour in there. Even if it wasn't meant intenionally.

Such incredible feedback.

An interesting choice of character, no mistake in that. Original as far as I'm aware, and something of an enigma; moreso, the response of the werewolf society to a Born lycan.

A curious start to a very interesting story, I look forward to reading more.