Kicked out

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 37
Monica opened her mouth to speak but quickly closed it again at the sight of Mr Brennan’s eyes. He wasn’t a man to cross. Some students swore that he sometimes looked so red in the face they thought he would explode. Right then Monica hoped he would. She had this image of a red faced Mr Brennan blowing up into thousands of pieces. Never to be seen again. She couldn’t keep a straight face despite trying. And this was a big mistake.
“Why you smiling Monica?” he bellowed nearly prodding her with his finger that he jabbed towards her.
“Nothing sir” retorted Monica her smile now replaced by an anxious look which soon intensified with his next sentence.
“Your expelled. Get your belongings and I don’t want to see your face again.”

Monica walked to her front gate and away again. Dreading her parent’s reaction as they no doubt had been called buy Mr. Brennan and no doubt he had made it out worse then it really was. She couldn’t put it off for ever. Taking a deep breath she swung the garden gate open it creaked on it’s rusty hinges before a sudden burst of wind slammed it shut.

“Expelled” screeched a Pail Mrs. Hall at Monica. “Wagging school how could you I thought we bought you up better then that.”
Monica just glared at her feet wondering what she was going to do it was only months away from the year twelve exams and it looked like she wouldn’t be doing them.
“And in year twelve” added Monica’s mother.
“You’ve ruined any hope you had of success in life you’ll be a nobody you’ve made us look like fools to” yelled her father who up until now had been silent.
“Well I always have been a nobody to you haven’t I dad. Never good enough even when I was at school nothing was good enough so why should I bother?” said Monica as tears slid down her now pasty face.
“Don’t you disrespect me” yelled her father.
“Disrespect you. What do you think you’ve been doing to me over the last eighteen years?” asked Monica before answering her own question.
“You’ve disrespected me and mum it’s the only thing your good at.”
Mr Hall pointed towards the door saying one word. “OUT”
Despite the fact he didn’t say anything more Monica new by the look on his face that he meant for good. And that he would never change his mind all because of wagging one stupid day. Monica took a quick glance at her mother, praying that for the first time in her twenty four years of marriage that she would fight her husband make him let her stay but the prayer was unanswered she was out on her own.

When Monica steeped out the front door for the last time the world looked different. As though she was seeing it for the first time. She felt lost and alone. ‘what am I going to do’ she thought. She had six thousand dollars in her account but that wouldn’t last long she had to figure out what to do and where to go. She couldn’t go to her relatives as they where either dead or they would run and tell her parents and her father wouldn’t have a bar of it. Basically she was stranded she wasn’t the most liked person at school her closest friend who she new would take her in had moved a year ago to America and face it she couldn’t get there.

(more to come)
Just belive and you will acheive!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 113
This is very interesting! I like it. I have some things that need help.

"Wagging school how could you I thought we bought you up better then that.”
I noticed that you have a lot of run on sentences. Puctuation! Use punctuatuation, and don't be afraid of short sentences. Try this: "Wagging school! How could you? I thought we brought you up better than that!"

"Monica just glared at her feet wondering what she was going to do it was only months away from the year twelve exams and it looked like she wouldn’t be doing them."
Instead of "year twelve" try "twelveth grade exams". (Again, you have a lot of run on sentences.)

“'You’ve ruined any hope you had of success in life you’ll be a nobody you’ve made us look like fools to' yelled her father who up until now had been silent."
Okay, punctuation! And "to" should be "too", but this is not needed. If you leave it off, it wil make the sentence sound more dramatic. Try this: "You've ruined any hope you had of succes! (in life is not needed) You'll be a nobody! You've made us look like fools!"


"'Well I always have been a nobody to you haven’t I dad. Never good enough even when I was at school nothing was good enough so why should I bother?' said Monica"
"Well, I always have been a nobody to you, haven't I, Dad? Never good enough for you even when I was at school! Nothing was good enough for you! So why should I even bother? declared (yelled, screamed, demanded, something better than said) Monica"

"Monica took a quick glance at her mother, praying that for the first time in her twenty four years of marriage that she would fight her husband make him let her stay but the prayer was unanswered she was out on her own."
"Monica took a quick glance at her mother, praying that, for the first time in twenty four years of marrige, she would fight her husband; make him let her daughter stay. The prayer, however, was unaswered and the girl (put name in here) was out on her own."

"Basically she was stranded she wasn’t the most liked person at school her closest friend who she new would take her in had moved a year ago to America and face it she couldn’t get there."
"Basically she was stranded. She wasn't well liked at her school, and her closest friend, who she knew would have taken her in, had moved a year ago to America. And, she couldn't get there, now could she?"

This was good. As I stated, break up run on sentences! Careful with wording. I hope this helps. Also, you need to give more background, like, where is she living? Why was she expled? Why is her dad like this? Is he drunk normally? Does he have a job? Etc. Keep up the good work! I hope to read more! Writergirl 8)
"It is better to save than to destroy, and that justice is most righteous which is tempered by mercy." Mark Twain




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 690
Reviews 1
I liked this alot but i think that you need tyo build on the emotion in the piece. You need to make it really dramatic because lets face it, not only is she expelled but she gets thrown out of her house, thats alot in a day! :D



Paint me green and call me Shrek because I am swamped >.>
— Plume