Vengeance Ends In Smoke

A while ago, i did a short story randomly, with an image as inspiration. i think the image was a spider on a mans hand, which i had to include in the story. i thought i'd post it and see what people think. its definately not my best, and i already have a feeling as to what you're going to say.

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Vengeance Ends in Smoke

Auron’s hand was numb, a cold fear was spreading through his body as he clutched at the gun in his hand. He felt nothing, not even the small spider crawling over his hand. As he readjusted his grip on his gun the spider became weary of the movement and sank its fang’s into his skin, and penetrated deeply into his hand. But he didn’t feel it, for the fear was too great to allow for emotions such as pain. as the spider scuttled away, Blood seeped out of the wound, falling to the floor with a soft patter, which Auron was also oblivious to.

Auron moved forwards, his footsteps crunching the leaves below his feet. The trees around him became dense as he walked through the forest. His prey was here somewhere, he knew it was. His eyes darted around every tree, searching for movement. He sniffed the air, but smelt only the dry leaves on the forest floor, and the smell of animals around him. But still he knew and still he waited for his prey to arrive…which would be soon. He could tell…

It was three years ago that Auron had walked into his little village home to find his parents and girlfriend dead What should have been a joyous day celebrating his engagement to his girlfriend turned to tragedy when he walked in and found the three of them lying in a pool of their own blood, with various wounds to their heads and bodies. That day, Auron had sworn revenge. And now his feelings of hatred to the killers had brought him here, where he knew somehow, he would finally do it.

His ears were open for the slightest noise that was foreign to him. A noise he had not made. It did not come and he stopped for a quick drink, resting himself on a stump. He pulled out his hip flask and drank deeply, before lowering it and wiping his mouth. Then he heard it. The crack of a branch. Something was overhead.

Before Auron could react he was flung backwards and landed with a thud on the ground. His attacker drew a knife and brought it down towards his chest. Auron saw his family flash before his eyes. This was it, he had failed them. Even as he reached up and grabbed the hand plummeting towards him, and heard the cold breath of two men grappling in the leaves, he knew himself that he could not beat the youth that was pinning him to the ground. The knife drew ever closer as he fought to save himself. It was barely inches from Auron’s chest, when the man gave a sudden jerk and wrenched his hand from Auron’s grip to bring it striking down upon him.

But before it made it there was a loud bang and the person fell limp onto Auron. A second figure stood over him, a gun out, smoking slightly. He held a hand out for Auron to take, which he did so, and hauled himself up to a standing position.

It happened in a flash. Auron’s eyes connected with his saver’s eyes, and his fist with the side of his head. He brought the man crashing down to the floor and his gun was sent out of his hand, skidding across the forest floor. And there stood Auron, his own gun pointed at the chest of the man, with a sick, triumphant smile on his face. Within another second he had done what he had come to do. Vengeance felt good, and rising from the barrel of his gun, a thin line of smoke.

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Uhm, I just wanted to say that I never got around to critique a short story, so I probably can’t give you any tips. I’ll check you’re work as I read.

Quote:
Auron’s hand was numb, a cold fear was spreading through his body as he clutched at the gun in his hand.
You use ‘hand’ two time in one sentence.

Quote:
As he readjusted his grip on his gun the spider became weary of the movement and sank its fang’s into his skin, and penetrated deeply into his hand.
I suggest you make two sentences out of this, the two ‘and’ don’t really help the flow. Also, ‘the spider became wary’? It just doesn’t sound right to me. You use ‘spider’ again (you have it in the sentence before).

Quote:
as the spider scuttled away, Blood seeped out of the wound, falling to the floor with a soft patter, which Auron was also oblivious to.
Unclear sentence alert. Watch out for capitals. Uhm, this whole paragraph is in need of rewrite.

Quote:
But still he knew and still he waited for his prey to arrive…which would be soon. He could tell…
Are the eclipses so really, really, really necessary? Sorry that I’m being so picky… In the next paragraph you missed a full stop.

Quote:
And now his feelings of hatred to the killers had brought him here, where he knew somehow, he would finally do it.
Unclear sentence alert.

Quote:
Auron’s eyes connected with his saver’s eyes, and his fist with the side of his head
Who’s fist exactly?

Okay, so that’s it. The title was interesting - that was basically what caught my attention, as, what I have already, I don’t normally read short stories.

You have a habit of repeating words - you should work on that. There where a few grammar mistakes, but apart from that I found the story quite interesting. However, the beginning was kind of a mess, in my opinion. Well, maybe not a mess, but just a little unclear. Your description where/were good.

-elein

thanks for the in depth critique, although i have to say that its a little hard to read. i know things are a little unclear, that was what i was thinking about as one of the things. ill possibly do a redraft of this after i get more critiques.

Auron’s hand was numb, a cold fear was spreading through his body as he clutched at the gun in his hand. He felt nothing, not even the small spider crawling over his hand.

The "hand" twice is awkward. You could try restructuring these sentences. Or... leave "hand" out in the first one. The fact that he was clutching with his hand goes without saying

As he readjusted his grip on his gun the spider became weary of the movement and sank its fang’s into his skin, and penetrated deeply into his hand. But he didn’t feel it, for the fear was too great to allow for emotions such as pain. as the spider scuttled away, Blood seeped out of the wound, falling to the floor with a soft patter, which Auron was also oblivious to.

I think this scene would be more powerful if the sentences weren't so long. For example, in the last one, "Auron was oblivious to it" could be made a separate sentence.
Also, "as" should be capitalized if it's the first word of the sentence, and I don't think you need to capitalize "blood".

It was three years ago that Auron had walked into his little village home to find his parents and girlfriend dead What should have been a joyous day celebrating his engagement to his girlfriend turned to tragedy when he walked in and found the three of them lying in a pool of their own blood, with various wounds to their heads and bodies.

There should be a period between "dead" and "What". Also, I somehow find the celebration turned tragedy a bit cliche... The word tradegy, in particular.

A second figure stood over him, a gun out, smoking slightly.

I assume the gun was smoking? Because it sounds like the person was smoking.

He held a hand out for Auron to take, which he did so, and hauled himself up to a standing position.

The use of "he" for both people here could be confusing. A clearer way to put it might be "The stranger held out a hand. Auron took it, and hauled himself to a standing position."

It happened in a flash. Auron’s eyes connected with his saver’s eyes, and his fist with the side of his head.

Again, "his" for both of them makes it hard to tell what's going on. The rest of the paragraph clarifies it... But with action like this, the reader should be able to tell instantly what's going on.

He brought the man crashing down to the floor and his gun was sent out of his hand, skidding across the forest floor.

"Floor" twice... Again, you could take out the first mention of it.

Vengeance felt good, and rising from the barrel of his gun, a thin line of smoke.

I don't think this is a great sentence for the ending... "rising from the barrel of his gun was a thin line of smoke" would be more correct. Better yet, you could split this into two sentences. I think shorter sentences are better suited for something profound like this. Maybe "Vengeance felt good. A thin line of smoke rose from the barrel of his gun." Just an idea.

Anyway, this story is quite well-written--I couldn't spot any spelling issues, so good job on that. The idea behind it is interesting, if a bit predictable--but the conclusion has a nice surprise. I'd recommend trying to make your style a bit less wordy and more concise. Also, try sticking to a more active voice. You use quite a lot of "-ing" words. This article might help.